Mything Persons

Chapter Nine:

"My colleagues and I feel that independ-

ents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheep in

wolves' clothing!"

-S.LEE

THE Woof Writers turned out to be much more pleas-

ant than I had dared hope, which was fortunate as my

werewolf disguises were some of the shakiest I'd ever

done. Guido was indeed allergic to werewolves as feared

(he started sneezing a hundred yards from their house)

and was waiting outside, but even trying to maintain

two disguises was proving to be a strain on my powers in

this magic-poor dimension. I attempted to lessen the

drain by keeping the changes minimal, but only suc-

ceeded in making them incredibly unconvincing even

though my assistants assured me they were fine. No

matter what anyone tells you, believe, me, pointy ears

alone do not wolf make.

You might wonder why I bothered with diguises at

all? Well, frankly, we were getting a little nervous.

Everyone we had talked to or been referred to in this

dimension was so nice We kept waiting for the other

shoe to drop. All of our talks and discussions of pos-

80 Robert Asprin

sible traps had made us so skittish that we were now

convinced that there was going to be a double-cross

somewhere along the way. The only question in our

minds was when and by whom.

With that in mind, we decided it would be best to try

to pass ourselves off as werewolves until we knew for

sure the Woof Writers were as well-disposed toward

humans as Vilhelm said they were. The theory was that

if they weren't, the disguises might give us a chance to

get out again before our true nature was exposed. The

only difficulty with that plan was that I had never seen a

werewolf in my life, so not only was I working with a

shortage-of energy, I was unsure as to what the final

result should look like. As it turned out, despite their

knowledgeable advice, my staff didn't know either.

While we're answering questions from the audience,

you might ask, if neither I nor my assistants knew what

a werewolf looked like, how I knew the disguises were

inadequate? Simple. I deduced the fact after one look at

real werewolves. That and the Woof Writers told me so.

Didn't I tell you they were great folks? Of course, they

let us sweat for a while before admitting that they knew

we were poorly disguised humans all along, but I myself

tend to credit that to their dubious sense of humor. It's

Massha who insists it was blatant sadism. Of course, she

was the one who had to eat a bone before they acknowl-

edged the joke.

Anyway, I was talking about the Woof Writers. It

was interesting in that I had never had much opportu-

nity to watch a husband-wife team in action before (my

parents don't count). The closest thing to the phenom-

enon I had witnessed was the brother-sister team of

Tananda and Chumley, but they spent most of their

conversational time trying to "one-down" each other.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 81

The Woof Writers, in contrast, seemed to take turns

playing "crazy partner-sane partner." They never asked

my opinion, but I felt that she was much better at play-

ing the crazy than he. He was so good at playing the

straight that when he did slip into crazy mode. it always

came as a surprise.

"Really, dear," Idnew was saying to Massha,

"wouldn't you like to slip out of that ridiculous disguise

into something more comfortable? A werewolf with

only two breasts looks so silly."

"Idnew," her husband said sternly, "you're making

our guests uncomfortable. Not everyone feels as easy

about discussing their bodies as you do."

"It's the artist in me," she returned, "And besides,

Drahcir, who was it that set her up to eat a bone?—and

an old one at that. If you were a little more conscien-

tious when you did the shopping instead of stocking up

on junk food...."

"Oh, don't worry about me. Hairy and Handsome,"

Massha interceded smoothly, dropping into her vamp

role. "I've got no problems discussing my body, as long

as we get equal time to talk about yours. I've always

liked my men with a lot of facial hair, if you get my

drift."

I noticed Idnew's ears flatten for a moment before

returning to their normal upright position. While it may

have been nothing more than a nervous twitch, it oc-

curred to me that if we were going to solicit help from

these two, it might not be wise to fan any embers of

jealousy that might be lying about.

"Tell me," I said hastily, eager to get the subject

away from Massha's obvious admiration of Drahcir,

"What got you started campaigning for better relation-

ships between humans and werewolves?"

82 Robert Asprin

"Well, there were many factors involved," Drahcir

explained, dropping into the lecturer mode I had grown

to know so well in such a short time. "I think the most

important thing to keep in mind is that the bad reputa-

tion humans have is vastly overrated. There is actually

very little documented evidence to support the legends

of human misconduct. For the most part, werewolves

tend to forget that, under the proper conditions, we turn

into humans. Most of them are afraid or embarrassed

and hide themselves away until it passes, but Idnew and

I don't. If anything we generally seize the opportunity

to go out and about and get the public used to seeing

harmless humans in their midst. Just between us,

though, I think Idnew here likes to do it because it

scares the hell out of folks to be suddenly confronted by

a human when they aren't expecting it. In case you

haven't noticed, there's a strong exhibitionist streak in

my wife. For myself, it's simply a worthy cause that's

been neglected for far too long."

"The other factor, which my husband has neglected

to mention," Idnew put in impishly, "is that there's a

lot of money in it."

"There is? "I asked.

My work with Aahz had trained me to spot profit op-

portunities where others saw none, but this time the

specific angle had eluded me.

"There... umm ... are certain revenues to be

gleaned from our campaign," Drahcir said uneasily,

shooting a dark glance at his wife. "T-shirts, bumper

stickers, lead miniatures, fan club dues, greeting cards,

and calendars, just to name a few. It's a dirty job, but

somebody's got to do it. Lest my wife leave you with the

wrong impression of me, however, let me point out that

I'm supporting this particular cause because I really

believe in it. There are lots of ways to make money."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 83

"... and he knows them all, don't you dear?" Idnew

said with a smile.

"Really?" I interrupted eagerly. "Would you mind

ru

"Before you get carried away, High Roller," Massha

warned, "remember why we came here originally."

"Oh! Right! Thanks, Massha. For a minute there I

... Right!"

It took me a few seconds to recha

While Aahz's training has gotten me out of a lot of tight

spots and generally improved my standard of living,

there are some unfortunate side effects.

Once I got my mind back on the right track, I quickly

filled the werewolves in on our current problem. I kept

the details sketchy, both because I was getting tired of

going back and forth over the same begi

keep from having to elaborate on Lua

ing our dilemma. Still, the Woof Writers seemed quite

enthralled by the tale, and listened attentively until I was

done.

"Gee, you're really in a spot," Idnew said when I

finally ground to a halt. "If there's anything we can do

to help...."

"We can't," Drahcir told us firmly. "You're behind

on your deadlines, Idnew, and I've got three more ap-

pearances this month... not to mention answering the

mail that's piled up the last two weekends I've been

gone."

"Drahcir...." Idnew said, drawing out his name.

"Don't look at me like that, dear," her husband

argued before she had even started her case, "and don't

cock your head, either. Someone's liable to shove a

gramophone under it. Remember, you're the one who

keeps pointing out that we have to put more time into

our work."

84

Robert Asprin

"I was talking about cutting back on your personal

appearances," Idnew argued. "Besides, this is impor-

tant."

"So's meeting our deadlines. I'm as sympathetic to

their problem as you are, but we can't let the plight of

one small group of humans interfere with our work on

the big picture."

"But you're the one who insists that deadlines aren't

as important as...."

She broke off suddenly and semaphored her ears

toward her husband.

"Wait a minute. Any time you start talking about

'big pictures' and 'grand crusades'... is our bank ac-

count low again?"

Drahcir averted his eyes and shifted his feet uncom-

fortably.

"Well, I was going to tell you, but I was afraid it

might distract you while you were trying to work. ..."

"All right. Let's have it," his wife growled, her

hackles rising slightly. "What is it you've invested our

money in this time?''

I was suddenly very uncomfortable. Our little discus-

sion seemed to be dissolving into a family fight I felt I

had no business being present for. Apparently Massha

felt the same thing.

"Well, if you can't help us, that's that," she said, get-

ting to her feet. "No problem. A favor's not a favor if

you have to be argued into it. C'mon, Hot Stuff. We're

wasting our time and theirs."

Though in part I agreed with her, desperation

prompted me to make one last try.

"Not so fast, Massha. Drahcir is right. Time's

money. Maybe we could work out some kind of a fee to