Ecstasy

“This is about you, princess,” Alex’s quiet voice says from the dark hall.

“I’m so sorry,” Kylie whispers, finally pulling back but not dropping her hands from my shoulders. “I’m so sorry but—”

“I’m not.” Alex’s dark gaze is locked on mine.

“You let him in here.” The words are little more than a whisper.

Kylie squeezes my shoulder. “I’m sorry but—”

I lift my hands, knocking hers off me as I turn to face Alex. “You let him in here. You don’t even know him! You let him—”

“Shut up, Zara. You sound like a fucking child,” Alex snaps.

Kylie turns to glare at him, and a laugh bubbles up from my throat.

“Oh, you think that’s bad?” I snort.

Alex takes a step toward me.

“Oh, Kylie. You have no fucking idea what Alex is like. You warned me about him yourself!”

“He said he wanted to help—”

Alex gets up in my face. “I am helping her,” he cuts Kylie off. “You’re not leaving here until I know you’re fucking done with those pills, Zara. Until you get your shit together. Until I stop hearing how you’re slipping out of your chair in class and you’re walking around in a fucking fog and even your dealer is worried about you.”

I laugh again, on the verge of hysterics. I wipe the back of my hand over my eyes and stand on my tiptoes. “And you think you’re actually going to keep me here in my own fucking apartment? You’re as dumb as you fucking look.”

He looks like he wants to punch me in the face and I kind of want him to.

“Zara,” says Kylie.

I turn to glare at her, pointing my finger in her face. “You fucking did this. You set me up. You backstabbing—”

Alex grabs my finger and yanks it down, twisting it as he does. Then he backs me up against the counter, dropping my hand and caging his hands on either side of me. “You’re filthy, Zara. I’m fucking done with you. But I refuse to let you destroy yourself. I won’t have that on my conscience.”

I push against his chest. “What fucking conscience?”

He scrubs his hand over his jaw, places his hand back on the counter beside me. “Fu

“Enough!” Kylie snaps, coming to stand beside us and pushing Alex away from me. His jaw ticks but he doesn’t break my gaze even as he drops his hands. “Just leave her alone, okay? Give me some time with her.”

“I’m right fucking here. You don’t need to talk about me like I’m—”

“Shut. The fuck. Up!”

I flinch, startled as I look up into Alex’s eyes, his face a mask of fury.

“I’m not leaving you alone with anyone.” He shoots a glare at Kylie whose eyes harden. I underestimated my roommate. She’s tougher than I thought, which right now, is not good for me.

But it’s Alex that keeps talking. “I’m not fucking leaving you until you’ve got your shit straightened out.”

I laugh, rolling my eyes, trying to recover from momentary fear. “You go

“You might’ve forgotten, because you’re too busy using your cunt as a Hoover, but fall break starts Monday, princess.”

Kylie’s face turns an alarming shade of red, but she doesn’t hesitate to jump to my defense. “If you’re going to be staying in our apartment, you ca

Alex smiles. It sends a chill down my spine. “You got it, Ms. Jones. I’ll be sure to speak to her exactly how she deserves.”

Kylie’s voice shakes with fury when she says, “Alex, I’m leaving tomorrow. If you can’t watch out for her like you claimed to want to, I’ll take her with me, and you can—”

“I’m done with both of you.” I turn to go, headed straight for the front door. I’m not a child. I’m not an addict. I’m fucking fine and these two assholes just want to blow my high.

Maybe I’ve got a small problem. But it’s nothing I can’t deal with myself. Fuck them both. Surely Alex has better things to do than babysit. I am not his problem. And he’s pissed I fucked his roommate, but he has no right.

He has no fucking right to be mad.

Fuck him.

I don’t want him.

I don’t want anyone.

I just want to be alone.

I unlock the door and just as I’m about to pull it open, Alex slaps his hand against it. “You’re not leaving, princess.”

“I swear to God, I’ll call the police if you don’t let me—”

“Please do.” He steps toward me, backing me into a corner by the door. “Please fucking do call the police, so they can see how drunk you are right now. So I can show them the shit you kept in a goddamn tampon box—”

I slap him.

I don’t think, I just do it.

“You had no fucking right!” I slap him again. He works his jaw, turns back to face me, teeth clenched. “You had no fucking right to go through my shit! Do you know how much that shit costs—”

“If you start fucking your dealer, too, Za, you should get a pretty good discount, huh? Or is your pussy not that good anymore?”

Again, I raise my hand to slap him, and again, he lets me. My hand hurts, the sound echoes in the apartment and Kylie gasps somewhere behind Alex’s big frame.

“Do it one more time,” he tells me, his voice low. “I dare you.”

“Zara, don’t,” Kylie says, pleading with me.

But I do. Or at least, I try to. The rage is blowing my fucking high. I’m ready to fucking scratch Alex Cardi’s face off.

But he stops me.

He grabs my arm, forces me further against the wall, my head knocking against it, his grip on my arm painful. Kylie is calling his name, but he ignores her, getting in my face, his eyes dark pools of anger in the dim light spooling in from under the apartment door.

“I won’t let you kill yourself. You don’t deserve the fucking rest.”

He pins my other arm up against the wall as I try to shove him away.

“Eli never gave a fuck about you, and goddamn, I wish I could say the same, but I do, Zara. I fucking do.”

“That’s not—”

“Eli doesn’t love you. He’s sick, just like you. But I fucking love you just as much as I hate you, and I won’t let you get worse. Now,” he leans his body against mine, and I hold my breath, “I’m staying here with you this entire week. You can make it easy, or you can make it hard. But if you try to leave without me, I’ll fucking call your mom and she will cut you off. Do you understand?”

No.

I swallow down my anger, trying to work a different angle. Screaming at Alex won’t get me what I want. It’ll just make him louder. Worse.

He has no right to be mad but telling him that again won’t help me now. And if he doesn’t let me leave this apartment, if he really took all my shit I can’t survive that.

I open my eyes and relax against the hold he has on me.

He relaxes too, but he’s watching me suspiciously. Skeptically. I know he doesn’t trust me any more than I trust him.

He doesn’t step back and he doesn’t let me go, but I didn’t expect him to.

“It’s not what you think,” I finally say, keeping my tone even. I see his brow furrow, I see him ready to argue, so I keep going, my words quick but soft. “I’m not an addict. Not like you think.” There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because what I’m saying is true and I don’t want to give it to him. I don’t want to feel this vulnerable, but I have to. I need to tell him some truths, so he’ll leave me alone. So he won’t fuck everything up for me. “I’m not addicted. I just…I just feel so weird and alone, and my brain is a fucking mess and the pills help me feel alive. But I know how to live without them.” I swallow down that little lie and hope Alex does too. “I know how, I just thought I’d go out with a bang my senior year and then get my shit together.” I laugh a little, because when I say it out loud, it does sound ridiculously stupid. “I realize that’s not going to work.”