Ecstasy

Zara

I’m going home.

In the middle of the night, or morning I guess, Jax is taking me home. Because I begged him. I begged him to let me sleep in my own bed. He fell asleep beside me, not touching me, and I woke up begging.

Because I need to get to my supply, and I know he won’t give it to me.

Jax rolls down the windows of his Camaro, and I stick my arm out, letting the cool breeze blow against my skin. I don’t think he’s super happy to be driving me home at this time of night, but he’s doing it.

“Whatcha go

The fall air smells amazing; like woods and campfires and life, even though I don’t think there’s a single campfire happening along this stretch of the road right now. I can smell it anyway, the scents alive in my brain.

I love fall.

Mom used to love decorating for Halloween, too. She made her husband-of-the-year join in with that, too. I think I should call her soon. I think next weekend, I won’t cancel on her di

I think I’d like to see her soon. I miss her. I think I need someone now, and she’s my mom after all.

I close my eyes, floating my fingers through the air as Jax drives on. But behind the blackness of my eyelids, I see Alex. I see his deep brown eyes, those flecks of amber.

My stomach churns.

I open my eyes just as Jax finally answers, “A drug dealer,” in a flat tone.

I turn to stare at him, but I see the hint of a smile tugging on his lips.

I burst into laughter that rumbles through my chest and he joins in, one lazy hand on the wheel, his eyes half open as he drives.

“Really?” I ask him between fits of laughter. “Seriously?”

He shrugs. “Easy costume.” He glances at me before his eyes go back to the road. “What about you?”

“A slut,” I deadpan, watching him carefully.

He shakes his head, a little frown tugging on the corner of his mouth. “You’re not a slut,” he says quietly.

I roll my eyes, turn back to watch my fingers dancing on the wind out the window, barely visible in the darkness of the night.

“I am, but that’s okay.”

“You’re not.”

“Whatever.”

I think about what Eli said, about the word ‘whore’. You say the word like it’s a bad thing.

Alex thought it was a bad thing.

Alex only ever wanted me.

Jax and I don’t really talk much after that.

I stumble up to my apartment, head spi

Mainly watching Alex walk out without coming back.

Mainly thinking about Eli holding me underwater.

I let myself into the apartment, close the door at my back. It’s quiet, and I think about blasting my music when I get to bed. I head toward my room, jangling my keys. When the drugs hit my system, I’ll be fine. I’ll be strong. I’ll be brave and everything that happened all those weeks ago will be fine.

“Zara.”

Kylie’s voice shatters my invincibility. I come to a stop, halfway to my room. It’s completely dark in the apartment, just the lights from the microwave and the time on the stove glowing green.

I turn my head in the direction of her voice, make out a shadow on the couch.

Fuck. I thought she was gone for the weekend. For the week, actually, because fall break starts Monday.

“Kylie, what are you—”

“Alex called me.”

My stomach churns, my high dropping. I think about Eli. He wasn’t lying. He wasn’t fucking lying about that. “Why the fuck—”

“He told me where you’ve been. He wanted me to make sure you were okay.”

How does he fucking know?

And then I think about Jax asking for my phone.

That mother fucker. They’ve all betrayed me.

Kylie clears her throat and I see her stand to her feet. “Zara, I think you need some help.”

I drop my keys to the floor with a clatter and turn to face her fully. In the dark, it’s easier to tell her exactly what I think about Alex fucking Cardi and her in my business. And her as a person, while I’m at it. If she isn’t going to be on my side, then fuck her. I thought we were friends.

“Alex and I aren’t together. I’m not his problem, and what I do isn’t his business anymore.” I take a step toward her. “Or yours, Kylie.”

Silence.

I think I can hear her breathing. Or maybe that’s me, I don’t know.

And then she flicks on the light in the living room and I stumble back, shielding my eyes. Fuck, that’s bright.

I blink a few times, lower my arm. Kylie has mascara streaked down her cheeks, a tissue balled up in her hand. I didn’t even know she wore mascara. I have no idea why the fuck she’s crying.

She’s wearing fuzzy long pants and a hot pink t-shirt, which is so unlike her usual sensible, matching pajamas.

“Kylie?” My voice comes out as a croak. In the light, I almost regret what I said to her.

Almost.

I think about Alex and my heart aches. I remember him walking out. He had no right to leave me.

I clutch a hand to my chest.

Kylie’s red-rimmed eyes track the movement and she sniffs, brushing the tissue over her nose. “Oh, Zara...” Her shoulders shake.

Alex’s eyes.

His gorgeous eyes.

The way Eli set me up.

Eli fucked with my head and he set me up.

“Zara. What have you done?” Kylie asks.

I shake my head, shaking off the memory, too.

“Zara,” Kylie sobs again, stepping toward me.

I take a step back. “No.” I close my eyes and say it again, “No. I’m fucking fine.”

Kylie comes closer. I can feel her in front of me. Hear her sniffle. “Zara. Alex said you...”

I clamp my hands over my ears. “I fucked them both.” I say it again, and again, and again. “I fucked them, I fucked them, I fucked them.”

Kylie pulls me into a hug, and I drop my hands, sagging against her. This is the end of it.

Everything laid bare.

This is the end.

“It doesn’t matter,” I whisper into her shoulder as she holds me, the sweet scent of her raspberry-scented shampoo filling my nostrils. “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter.”

“Zara...”

“Alex can go fuck himself.” My voice cracks, and I feel tears pricking behind my eyes, but I close them tight. No, no, no. He tried to drown me. He embarrassed me. He slipped a pill into my mouth.

He hurt me.

God, he hurt me so bad.

He almost made me think I deserved love. He almost made me love myself.

“Alex can fuck off,” I whisper, letting the tears spill down my cheeks as Kylie tightens her grip on me. “He thinks I’m crazy. He thinks I’m a slut. He...he...”

“He cares about you.” Kylie’s voice is a whisper and I feel my heart ache at her words, but I shake my head against her shoulder. She doesn’t know that. She warned me away from him. She doesn’t know him. She doesn’t know me, either. She has no idea.

“No. He hates...he hates me...”

“This isn’t about him, Za,” Kylie whispers, stroking my hair. “It’s not about him.”

I swallow down the lump in my throat.

“This isn’t about Alex or Eli...”

He told her. That motherfucker told her.

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, my chin trembling. “I don’t understand...”

I hear the door to the apartment open. Cold air gusts in.

The door shuts.

I try to pull out of Kylie’s grip as I open my eyes. Footsteps come closer.

“This isn’t about them,” Kylie says again, still holding me.