Garden of Sins

37. Shattered, Caden

Alayna

As if paralyzed, I sit in the passenger seat of Mason Rush’s car. I barely see the city we drive through. I hardly notice the raindrops smacking against the windows or the glow of the billboards hovering above us.

I’m still trying to understand what just happened, Caden. You left me. You took me to the sky, pulled me by the hands into the clouds, and then simply, without mercy, dropped me. And I fell so far, so damn far. The impact was shattering, crushing, and painful, like nothing ever before in my life.

The things you said to me mix with images, images so confused that I can hardly sort them out. I see you touching me and then Carter kissing me and pain burns in my chest. You couldn’t have really done that, could you? You didn’t use me like that. You didn’t toy with me, did you?

The idea of it eats through my heart like poison and leaves it shriveled.

I close my eyes and breathe.

I’m so stupid because, in spite of everything you said, one thought bores particularly hard through my head. Namely, how do I go on without you? Since you entered my life, nothing has been the same and I thought that was good. I thought we were good. But you don’t love me at all, do you? You said that. And you’re right, why would someone like you love someone like me anyway? I have nothing. No high IQ like you, no unforgettable beauty, no special radiance, I’m just me, and somehow I thought I was enough for you. But you were merely pretending, like so many other things.

I just can’t believe it. I can’t believe I was so blinded by you that I ignored all my alarm bells.

You fooled me and actually did what I thought you would do at one time or another because some things seemed so strange to me. You shared me with your brother. I feel so used.

I could never really tell you two apart, at least, not until I started to truly love you. Then I saw the differences. The look in your eyes was so different from his. The way you move and the way he moves. You, always so quiet and smooth, him, always loud and uncontrolled.

Now in retrospect, after you told me everything, these moments flash through my mind.

It happened a thousand times, didn’t it Caden? And I was so fucking blind. As they say, love is blind.

I can’t forget that night you were at my house. Were you toying with me then too? In my room, when you were so gentle with me? Opening up to me like that and being there for me, catching me? The first time you told me you loved me, your eyes were so sincere, I believed and trusted you.

And now I have to question all your words, every laugh, every touch, every wink, every time I waited for you. Nothing seems real anymore.

The moments overwhelm me and my brain won’t leave me alone for a second even though I don’t want to think about all this right now.

So many differences between you and yet I closed my eyes, didn’t I? Now I feel incredibly stupid because you are actually exceedingly different and I can’t believe that I missed all the signs.

Actually, for the most part, you act condescendingly and arrogantly, but then that’s your nature, though when it comes to sex you go out of your way to make sure I enjoy it. You have always let me feel so much.

Carter is rude and inconsiderate, isn’t he? He pinches and bites, binds and beats, doesn’t he? Isn’t that what happened? That wasn’t you at all. Whenever I wondered what had gotten into you...why you were so uncontrolled, it was always Carter, wasn’t it? Every time I think about it, I get sick. I just can’t believe it. Do you have any idea what you have done? Are you even aware?

Your fingers are infinitely patient and to the point. I know that. You clearly know what you are doing. But Carter’s fingers are single-minded and rigid, right? His kisses are demanding, burning, and full of emotion because he’s an emotional person, isn’t that right, Caden?

Your kisses are intense and manage to shut off my brain with just a few flicks of your tongue. Like you’ve been doing all along. That’s why you manipulate your women, right? So you can do exactly that, right?

You, Caden, always tap my chin and Carter grabs me by the neck, right? That was him, wasn’t it? Under that willow tree when I looked up and said his name. That wasn’t you. You totally fucked me and used me. Where were you at that moment? Did you know about it? And what were you thinking?

So many differences yet I just went along, constantly telling myself it was about you and your many sides because, otherwise, I would have lost you and would have to admit to myself that you didn’t feel for me what I thought you felt.

Fuck.

You played me for a fool the entire time.

I’m furious and I feel so used, even if I enjoyed the sex because I thought it was you every time, I wasn’t asked and that’s not fair, Caden. In addition to the drugs, the alcohol, all those cover-ups and lies every time, you made me think I was crazy and confused, imagining things. But I wasn’t imagining anything, was I? I put so much pressure on myself and doubted my sanity just because you manipulated me and abused me with your sick games.

Did you do the same with Melissa? Did I wrongly condemn her? Was she merely a victim too, a real victim of yours?

I feel numb and my legs leaden. My breath comes extremely slowly now and my brain is in neutral.

Damn, I imagined a future with you. I truly believed you were the one. I gave myself to you completely, as you wanted me to, because I trusted you. I revealed my greatest secrets to you, opened my soul to you.

When I think that it was all just a beautiful lie, my eyes burn. Was it really all just a game?

In my head the image of how I met you forms and how I just couldn’t believe that someone as perfect as you would speak to me or even look at me.

How you stood in front of me in the club where I work one night, after weeks of eye-fucking that had me so wound up. You were watching me the entire time and I repeatedly made mistakes because of you. I constantly dropped things because my hands were sweaty. Your eyes smiled as you sent one woman after another away. You saw only me and I didn’t know why. A couple of times, I even thought you were mistaking me for someone else or I had something gross on my face.

You made me feel wired. Did you do that to make me long for you before you even said a word to me? To make me as addicted to you as I am now? Did you also consider that your brilliant plan would possibly break my heart or did you just not care?

“I’m going to fuck you now,” you simply said one evening, and grabbed my hand, and led me downstairs to the storage room. I was completely stu

Then, when I was in that room with you, after you set me on the boxes and tapped my chin up, I gazed into those eyes and I knew I was lost. You immediately sucked me in, hypnotized me, and held my gaze even though I’m not the staring-into-eyes during sex type. I don’t enjoy that at all. Actually, I always close my eyes and enjoy it because it’s nobody’s business what is going on inside me. But you wouldn’t let me. Your gaze did not wander as you slowly pushed inside me. I knew then that you were special, at least, to me.

Coming with you was the most intense thing I had ever experienced. From that moment on, I was addicted to you. 100%, Caden. Now it feels like my whole world has been turned upside down.