Garden of Sins

29. In the mood for chaos, Alayna

Alayna

Carter has been away for two days now and I have to say it is noticeable throughout the whole house. It is so empty and unfamiliar without him. No stupid remarks, no goading, no parties, no smell of grass... It is incredibly quiet. It gives me the opportunity to think because you, Caden, have been quiet too since Carter left. I’ve never really been around you when he wasn’t around for any duration and even though it has only been two days, I can feel what his absence does to you. Besides, your mother is starting to get seriously worried because Carter isn’t answering his cell phone. And because I really don’t like the way she is suffering, I texted him yesterday and told him that your mother is worried and asked where he is, but he didn’t answer. After that, something strange happened — you withdrew even more.

When I sent the message and came back into the room where you were laying, smoking on your bed, there was this look that said: Don’t you have something to tell me, Alayna?

That irritated me because you actually can’t know who I texted and I didn’t do anything wrong. I have written to Carter many times. Where you are, what you’re doing, especially when I can’t reach you. He was always infuriating and answered me in all caps.

But I didn’t bring it up with you now because I don’t want to rekindle your jealousy again, which has just faded away. You still have no reason to worry. I still only want you.

Right now, I sense you staring at me because my whole right side is tingling. You haven’t touched me in two days, not while sleeping or in any way sexually — no fleeting touches when I pass by, nothing. I don’t know why and it makes me feel insecure. Still, it is difficult to approach you when you’re in that mood and since Carter left, you’ve totally submerged yourself in it and can’t get out again. Again and again, I stare at your hands. I would love to take them and press them against me so that I know everything is okay because that happens only when you touch me.

“Maybe you should open your eyes when you’ve been awake for ten minutes, Alayna. Or who are you trying to fool?” I suddenly hear your voice and I can tell from your tone that nothing is good, although I hope every morning that you will come to your senses again.

I stir a little and blink. Immediately, my gaze seeks you out and I look at you. Wearing only pajama bottoms, you lean against the bedframe. Your brow raises when you notice my expression.

“What are you doing, Alayna? Are you trying to turn me on?” you ask listlessly. I inhale deeply and straighten up, ru

I would like to. I’d like to do something to lift your spirits, but of course, as always, I can’t make a sound.

“What, Alayna? What do you want from me?” you persist, as if you are looking for a reason to argue with me. I don’t want to argue. I want you back, but I don’t know how to get you back.

Ever since Carter left, you’ve been cold and emotionless. It’s like he took your humanity when he left or maybe you’re just pissed and that’s why you’re acting so strange.

I swallow and decide not to discuss it right now. Instead, I look at you longingly again. I would love to press my lips to yours, but I’m not going to do that either. You radiate distance and raise your eyebrows in warning, as if you read my thoughts.

“Nothing. Everything is fine,” I murmur and get up so I can freshen up downstairs in the bathroom. I grab some of my clothes from the shelf and glance at you again. “I’m going downstairs,” I say, but you have already turned to your cell phone and nod. So I swallow again. Swallow your cold rejection. I almost feel unwanted and wonder if I should go home and leave you alone for a few days since I don’t want to impose myself on you.

Silently, I leave your room, clutching my clothes against my chest. I’m going to take a shower first and then I’ll decide what to do. I hope your brother returns soon because he has a co

***

Caden

You sit next to me at the breakfast table, Alayna, and I’m bored, so incredibly bored. I don’t like it when my brother is away. It irritates me when he goes away and stays away for so long, although I can guess where he is. We can fight, argue, piss each other off, but if we are apart for more than two days, everything always goes a bit wrong.

With him and with me.

I’m a bubbling caldron, easily a

Today is Saturday, which means everyone is here, feeling the energy I’m radiating. No one is speaking. Ava is anxious and has been hiding behind her hair because she knows what I’m capable of when I’m like this. She has experienced it first hand — several times. Mom keeps glancing furtively in my direction and meaningfully at Dad. My father stares at me constantly, Alayna. He’s afraid I’m going to jump up and go berserk, shooting everyone, which could happen if Carter is gone for much longer. You spread butter on your toast and the scraping of the knife over the bread tugs at my nerves, Alayna. Can you do anything quietly? Do you always have to be so loud? I came close to kicking you out of bed last night because your nose whistled.

“Can’t you keep it down?” I bark and I never shout or bark at you. You freeze mid-motion, swallow, and set the knife down slowly and quietly. I crack my neck, but not even that helps.

“Caden, pull yourself together,” Dad utters admonishingly. His voice is tense.

“Pulling it together bores me, Dad. I’m in the mood for a little chaos.” Mom inhales sharply and Ava exclaims with eyes bulging with fear: “I’m done, thanks, Mom, love you!” and runs to her room like a madwoman. Confused, you stare after her. She is much smarter than you, Alayna, because she knows when to run, even without me counting.

“Oh, baby, please,” Mom says. “It’s such a beautiful day. Don’t do this now.” God, be glad I love you, I think, a

“Shit, Alayna, just stop eating,” I hiss because you can’t even do that quietly and my head is pounding.

“CADEN,” Dad growls, “Leave her alone!” His tone is deep and warning, irritating me even more. Everything except my mom is testing me right now and even she has to watch out.

“It’s okay, Mason, I’m not hungry.” You gently set the salami wrapper on the table. So, you do have a functioning survival instinct after all. Happy birthday, Alayna.

The clock is ticking loudly. Why do we have a fucking clock in the kitchen? Who needs a fucking clock in the kitchen? Everybody has a fucking cell phone in their pocket so they can look at the fucking time. There is even one on the stove.

I lean back, stretch my arms over my head, and crack my knuckles and neck. My body trembles as I stretch to the tips of my toes.

“Caden?” you ask cautiously and I inhale deeply and exhale sharply. Why are you disturbing me now?

“Leave it alone, Alayna,” Dad demands. “Don’t speak to him.” You can hear the alarm in his voice. At least someone in this house is not completely stupid. My eyes wander over to Mom, on to Dad, and then back to you. Everyone seems so tense. I like that. The world is a huge playground for me. You’re all so easily influenced, you little puppets.