Garden of Sins

“Two...” You gently release my hand from the handle, which is sweaty and shaky.

“Three.” With that, you slam Carter’s door shut over my head and I wince violently, finally torn out of the trance. “Your time is up, Alayna!” With a jerk, I whirl around and exhale as I look up into your face. Your face, Caden. Right? It’s definitely your eyes. I can see that now. The blue lights are dancing over your skin and you stare down at me, waiting, seemingly unmoved. I swallow. My heart is pounding so loud I can barely hear the music, only the dull thumping in my ears. This is simply too much for my mind and I feel like I’ve been clubbed over the head. As if the answer was so clear and right in front of my nose, yet I couldn’t grasp it.

“Caden?” I whisper shakily and know that you can’t hear me, merely read your name on my lips.

You tilt your head. “What’s wrong, Alayna?” you ask softly.

“What’s this sick shit?” I gasp. I can hardly stand on my legs and I cling to the railing. A foreboding washes over me that threatens to shatter everything I have ever believed in.

“Did it turn you on to see him fuck like I fucked you?” you ask, curious.

My brow furrows and I lean my hip powerlessly against the metal next to me. It’s hot and sweat runs down my neck. I try to get my racing heart under control. God, I don’t know what to think anymore. Okay, if I was in there with Carter... Just thinking about it makes me sick. But if I was, there’s no way you could know how we...or would you? You were standing in the doorway. That was you, wasn’t it? No, that was Carter. He was angry because we were in his room. You were behind me and then you went to take a shower before coming back to your room, and Carter was in his room, at his party.

Right?

Caden?

I rub my sweaty forehead and avert my eyes for a moment since my mind is muddled. I’m so confused. “I don’t know...” I mumble and look up at you again. I feel a bit sick. Something flickers in your eyes that I can’t place. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of this fucking garage, this fucking hell.

“Can we go back to your room, please?” I ask, exhausted.

“Sure,” you say softly, making room for me to go first. On wobbly legs, I push past you and walk carefully down the stairs deep in thought. My thoughts always revolve around the same questions, but I have no answers. It is frustrating and with every second, I grow increasingly exhausted. It almost seems as if I woke up from a dream, but could not find my way back to reality because I landed in a cursed labyrinth consisting of your faces.

We finally exit Carter’s garage and enter the house, where it is quiet and dark. In here, the noise is negligible when the door to the garage is closed.

First, I take a deep breath. I always feel safer in here. In there, I always feel exposed and the images are still muddled in my mind.

I fumble for the light switch, but your soft voice stops me. “No,” I hear you say.

So I lower my hand again. You are close behind me, but don’t touch me. Somehow, I feel as if you are pushing me even though I always feel safe with you at my back. But now, I have the impression that I must move and keep moving. So I do. I set myself in motion and fly up the steps because you are so close behind me. It is so quiet I even hear breathing coming from the bedrooms. Someone is snoring and I think it is your mom.

We reach the stairs. “Stop,” you demand gently and I obey and falter in my steps. I don’t glance over my shoulder at you, but up the stairs. I just want to get into your bedroom, into your bed, and stop thinking. Just not to think.

“We’re going to play a game, Alayna. I love games,” you whisper and run your nose through my hair, making my belly instantly tingle, as it always does when you do that. “I’m going to count to three and on three, you have to run. Do you understand?”

I’ve seen you do that counting thing a few times now. You even do it during sex. I have to hold back my orgasm until you count to three. And I like that during sex, but now I feel rushed by you.

I would like to say no, but I feel myself nodding. I just nod. I don’t like that. It’s like I’m not in control of my senses, you are.

“One!” you whisper and my muscles tense. I clench my teeth. I really don’t like this, Caden.

“Two!” you whisper, and my throat becomes parched. It is a bit threatening when you stand behind me like this and count. I try to tell myself it’s only you and you won’t hurt me if I don’t run on three. And yet, I ca

“Three!” It’s barely audible, yet it vibrates through my entire body. Immediately, I set myself in motion. I almost trip over my own feet as I run up the stairs to the second floor. I hold on to the railing and gasp. I. Do. Not. Really. Like. This. Anger wells up inside me and I glance down over my shoulder. On the wall, I see your shadow as you move upward. That’s a bit intimidating, I have to admit, and my anger ebbs.

“Stop!” You don’t even raise your voice, but I falter. My heart pounds wildly, hammering against my chest, almost painfully. As soon as you are near me, a hot and cold shiver grips me. I ca

Again, you position yourself behind me.

“One!” you murmur into my ear and where your breath caresses me, it grows warm. However, my stomach feels icy cold.

“Two!” Again my muscles tense. I don’t want this! I hate this!

“Three...” With an angry snort and a clenched jaw, I set myself in motion again. It’s like you pushed me, but without touching me. I run again, straight upstairs to your room, where I rip open the door and push onward into the room. Immediately, I fall breathlessly onto the bed and rub my sweaty face. The pulse hammers in my ears.

After you stroll in, you close the door behind us and lean against it. Your eyes are fixed on me and I return your furtive gaze because I don’t know what is coming now. You seem so isolated, not at all like you, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through to you again when you are this way. If so, how. Maybe I should talk to your mother. Maybe I should talk to somebody about it because I don’t want to give up on you. God, I’m so confused.

“Good girl!” you whisper. It’s a little bitter because, on one hand, my heart is racing as if you asked me to marry you. On the other hand, I feel like a dog. I’m not your dog, Caden. I’m me and I too have my limits, I just don’t know where they are with you. I just want to forget everything. I just want you close to me, to stroke my hair and kiss my forehead. Anything.

“Now get undressed,” you order and I swallow.

The bitter realization that I simply love you too much to say no now, to withdraw from you, to question all this, eats through my soul like poison. And I would give a lot to be close to you, so I push the straps of my dress off my shoulders and pull it off my body.

You watch me closely and let your gaze wander over me. That is you. I love you. I trust you. Everything is good. I’m safe with you. You love me.

“Get up, Alayna,” you demand somewhat defeated and I carefully push my legs off the bed and stand beside it, waiting as you push away from the door. I wait because of fear, the desire to back away from you because you showed me another side of you today.

But there is...nothing, nothing but the love I feel for you, nothing but the need to feel you, nothing but the desire to forget.