Garden of Sins

18. Three words, Caden

Alayna

Everything still hurts, but I wanted peace and that’s what I have now. Around ten in the evening, we are in Carter’s car, the top down, on our way to a party at Lake Michigan. Nothing spectacular, but just right for a weekend summer evening. Luckily, the storm cleared up and the night is warm and clear.

Carter is driving and you are sitting next to him again, with me in the back on the left so I can see your profile better. I admit it, I like to watch you and enjoy my view of you. I think about what happened the last time I was in this car and restlessly tug at my red airy summer dress. Carter wears black even though it is hot. Black chinos with a shirt in the same color over them, which, as always, is snug around his chest.

You are dressed all in white. White linen pants and a snug V-neck shirt of the same color. Your tattooed elbow hangs out the window and the wind blows through yours and Carter’s black hair. So much perfection all in one place is sometimes a bit intimidating, Caden, because you are perfect.

You glance over your shoulder — your turquoise eyes sparkle and I lift the corner of my mouth and brush my hair back so that it falls loosely and in waves over my shoulders.

Why do I feel so uncomfortable and restless?

You stretch your hand back and place it on my knee. I put mine on top of it and lace our fingers together. I immediately calm down a little. How do you do that? As if you have me on invisible strings.

Carter, of course, is going much too fast. The music is so loud that we can’t speak, but we don’t have to. I enjoy the wind and the feeling of freedom, which I only feel with you because, through you, I always get to know new sides of myself, which I like.

I no longer wonder about yesterday or what was happening at Keaton’s.

When we arrive, campfires are already lit with small groups sitting around them. Music booms from the beach bar’s speakers and alcohol is being served. With the city some distance away, the stars twinkle above us. It is warm and smells like summer. I love summertime and the warmth. We get out of Carter’s car and you put your arm around my shoulders. Immediately, I lean on you and sigh as your scent enters my nose. We cross the parking lot and enter the beach that extends around the massive lake, the other end of which ca

We walk toward a group gathered around one of the campfires. Some of the faces I know, but I find it so hard to remember their names. You and Carter are greeted from all sides. Strange handshakes are exchanged, but you never let go of my hand. You never do that when we’re out or, at least, only when you have to. You always touch me in some way and I like it.

The women in the group, like drooling hyenas, stare at you both. I notice a pretty, black-haired woman whose gaze freezes as soon as Carter and you come closer. She wants to jump up, but her friend holds her back and speaks to her. You haven’t noticed her yet since she is sitting a bit to the side in the dark, but my radar is always focused on the women because I know I always have to keep an eye on my boyfriend. Really.

“What’s up, bro?” a guy named Jonas calls out and high-fives Carter. We continue since you dislike Jonas. We sit down with one of the groups on a fallen tree trunk and you search for Carter, who is still talking to the others. You are so popular and everybody knows you. Or is it fear? None of the people present stand in your way, speak stupidly to you, or even look at you for too long. Or me. You can see panic flickering in the eyes of guys whose gazes accidentally graze me.

A few shady characters greet you from time to time, really bad motherfuckers whom I don’t want to know how you know them.

Miraculously, Carter approaches with three beers, from wherever he acquired them.

He hands us one each and we toast. Carter is taking a drink when a timid voice sounds behind him.

“Carter?” Whoever she is, she recognized him right away and didn’t mix you two up. Even your oldest friends constantly ask who is who and even your mom mixes you up occasionally.

Carter freezes with the bottle stuck mid-air and I notice the color fading from his face.

You raise your brows and stiffen as Carter slowly turns around. Within five seconds, he has grabbed the little black-haired girl by the arm and pulled her away.

“Who was that?” I ask, amazed at his sudden departure.

You take a sip of your beer and stare at them. “That’s Melissa,” you answer and crack your neck again. I can no longer see the two of them as they have disappeared into the crowd.

“Were they together or something?” I ask with interest, because, otherwise, I can’t explain it. And why am I always so curious, Caden? I always have to know everything, just like you.

Now you look at me with that hard expression that could cut stone and I flinch. “Why do you care, Alayna, who Carter has been with?”

I look back in surprise. “I’m simply asking.”

You pull your fingers from my knee. “Maybe you should ask him if you want to know about him and his exes, Alayna!” Okay, I think I missed the co

“I asked a perfectly normal question, Caden. You’ve been so pissed off all day, ever since I opened my eyes. What’s going on?” I continue looking into your eyes, searching for something in them, for whatever’s bothering you, and I know there’s something or you wouldn’t behave like this with me. Obviously, the first thing I ask myself is if I’ve done something wrong...

You stare at me as if you want to say so much but not a word leaves your lips. I can’t understand you right now. What is going on with you? We had an incredible night where we laughed and had fun. I left my worries behind and became fully involved with you again. I wish you would open up and tell me what the problem is instead of reacting so passive-aggressive.

“Sit here,” you growl in a barely controlled ma

“What?” I ask, confused.

“Sit here and don’t move,” you repeat and I panic for a moment. You move purposefully towards something and my gaze follows you. A guy is standing in the distance. His dark brown hair is slicked back. He is wearing dark clothes and seems a bit dangerous. I don’t like that you are dealing with such people. His dark blue eyes take aim at you as you walk towards him. You shake hands and talk. When he turns a bit, I notice he has a shiny silver weapon in his waistband and I pale.

Okay, Caden, I really don‘t like you talking to men like that who are armed. Maybe I should tell Carter. Or, maybe I should just sit here. Damn, I am insecure all of a sudden.

Stressed, I wipe my face. I have to do something or I’ll go crazy because I am nervous. So, I get up and see the man say something to you before you walk away. Caden, where are you going with this armed man? And why do you seem so calm? I down my beer even though I hate beer, throw the bottle into one of the designated trashcans, and walk towards the bar. From there I have a better view of where you went.

As soon as I arrive, I position myself so that I can see you. You lean against a black Mercedes and hand him something. I frown. Are you dealing drugs? What is this, Caden? I don’t feel good about it and I really need to talk to you. I need to find out what you’re up to. You shouldn’t get involved with trouble like this. I don’t like it. You have a future ahead of you and you don’t want to screw it up messing around with the wrong guys.