Garden of Sins

I love that you don’t push me to explain anything. I’m embarrassed enough as it is, but that’s who you are.

Besides, you have strictly instructed me to stay up here and only to go to the kitchen when I want to eat because Carter is throwing one of his legendary garage parties and they’re off-limits to me. You say that’s where the sickest shit happens and you don’t want me ru

Mason and Emilia aren’t here and won’t return until tomorrow, which is why Ava snuck out and why Carter is throwing the party in the first place. He always does that when your parents are away, but I’ve never been to one.

Nirvana booms down the street and I feel the bass in my bones even though I’m up here in the attic. Carter’s garage is soundproof, but not when he leaves the damn garage door open and the door is open practically all summer long. The window up here is open and a warm summer breeze caresses my body. I wonder when you’ll be back. Sometimes, you’re gone for an hour and sometimes, you don’t return until the morning when I’m sound asleep. Sometimes, you have scraped knuckles, and sometimes, there are red specks on your clothes that appear to be blood...but I don’t ask. Sometimes, you’re so fucked up that you just kiss me without a word and make love to me, which feels like I’m exorcising the demons that haunt you. At least, that’s what I tell myself, trying to convince myself that I’m good enough for you.

I’ve seen Carter leave the house a couple of times at night too and he came back exhausted in the morning when the sun came up and we were all sitting at the breakfast table.

I don’t want to be one of those little clinging ticks, so I never say anything when you leave. The main thing is that you just keep coming back to me. That’s something you promised me, that you’d always come back. Besides, I know instinctively that you won’t cheat on me, I don’t care about anything else. In this one respect, I trust you completely.

I’m lying on the bed and roll over onto my stomach. My feet are bouncing in the air and I have my arms outstretched while listening to the music coming from Carter’s garage. I close my eyes and wish for a joint because I can’t stop thinking about how Dad stroked my cheek today and he came back to me briefly. And how painful it was when he left again. God knows how long he will be gone this time, which is different than when my mother left.

Now Marilyn Manson rises up to me and talks about sweet dreams. I wish I were in a dream because reality sucks. Sometimes, I wonder how I ever attracted someone like you and what you see in me. At first glance, I might appear pretty because others often speak to me. I also notice the glances on the street. However, inside, I am a wreck. I have nothing to offer, so I’m not really for you, Caden Rush. An attractive, strong woman with long black hair and a law degree in her pocket would suit you, one who could stand up to you, who is exciting and challenges you.

Nevertheless, you are still here and I will never understand why.

And you picked me up today and even that didn’t scare you off, although most people would have left after seeing my parents’ house. They would have run without looking back. You should also run from me because I am an abyss and I often drag people into this darkness even if I don’t mean to.

The door opens and surprisingly, there you are. You have been gone for an hour and a half now and I am so happy you are back.

With sweaty, tousled hair, you stand there with your gym bag over your shoulder, wearing, as usual, a white tight-fitting shirt that doesn’t cover your naked tattooed arms and dark jeans that sit low on your hips.

Your turquoise-blue eyes search for me in the darkness and when they find me, a shiver runs through me.

“Hey,” I say as I turn and sit on the edge of the bed, my hands clamped under my legs because, otherwise, I’ll pounce on you. You enter as if you own the world and, perhaps, a bit of my world as well.

I raise my eyebrows and you come towards me, crouch down in front of me, and look up at me. Your pupils are enlarged, so I frown and tilt my head. I want to stroke your hair, but I won’t right now.

“Are you on something?” I ask suspiciously. You grab my wrist, lower it, and breathe a kiss on my knuckles, which makes me relaxed and warm inside. You do that often and I love it. I love the way you treat me.

“A little,” you admit and run your fingertips over my swollen cheek. “You want some too, baby girl? I know I said no parties, but I think you could use a little distraction.”

My throat dries up when you put my chin between your big strong fingers and gaze into my eyes. You want to know how I am. You always do and I love the way you care about me.

“Was Carter with you?” you ask suspiciously.

“He hates me, what would he want with me?” I reply with a frown and you raise a shoulder sluggishly. Yes, now and then, he comes up here and gets something, but otherwise, we don’t see each other when you’re not here.

“Maybe to lure you to his party. You never know with him.” You stroke my hair and look at me with the same fascination you always do.

I roll my eyes. “Oh, please, he can’t lure me anywhere I don’t want to go.”

He smiles softly at me. “That’s my girl.” I love it that you call me your girl. “Let’s go down there and mix it up a little. What do you say?”

I’m so excited, my heart races because it’ll be the first time I’ve set foot in Carter’s hallowed halls. From what I hear, it must be really exciting there.

“Don’t you think Carter will mind? His garage is actually off-limits,” I remark.

“It is for you without me.” You wink at me and I grin idiotically.

“What does he do in there?” I ask. “Skin animals?”

You tap me under the chin like you always do and I’m left hanging in the air again. I want to kiss you, but you don’t do me the favor. I like it a little when you make me squirm and you know it. It is so exciting. You’re so exciting.

“You’ll see, baby.” You take my hand and pull me off the bed. “Change your clothes.”

For some reason, I don’t ask you why. Once again, you speak in a tone that makes it almost impossible for me to disagree and I love to argue.

“The little black number I love so much on you,” you demand and I blush a little. The last time I wore that dress, that incident in the club happened.

“Is something wrong, Alayna?” you ask and search my eyes.

Shaking my head, I go to the shelf that you cleared for me. I feel your eyes on my back as I pick up the dress and pull my current one over my head so that I stand with my back to you in my underwear. In black lace underwear. I used the time while you were away to freshen up so that you’d have something to be happy about when you returned. You also received a selfie from me in the underwear. I smile at you over my shoulder and a cheek muscle twitches as you tilt your head.

Then I put the dress on and go back to you so you can zip me up. Your fingers are rough as you pull it up with a jerk and give me a pat on the ass. I briefly pause as I turn away to put on my shoes. You are shifting quickly today, Caden. But I know this is not a stupid game, it’s simply you.

As soon as I put on my shoes, you take my hand and pull me along, like you did this afternoon when you took me from my mother’s house.

I stumble after you more than I run and we cross the house. The closer we get, the louder the music is and the smell of grass grows, as well as cigarettes, alcohol, and sex.