Garden of Sins

But I need to know what you’re going to say, so I take a step back and let you in. I’m so stupid, I’d let you back into my life over and over again even though you don’t really want to be in it.

You exhale and push past me. Your scent hits me hard and I close my eyes briefly as soon as your back is turned. You smell so unbelievably good and unfortunately, so familiar, that it makes the emotions within me explode again, almost overwhelming me.

I pull myself together and quietly shut the door behind you before indicating that you should go upstairs because even if my dad doesn’t speak or react, I know he hears what is happening around him.

You nod and start moving. My whole body shaking, I follow you and your scent. My heart is racing and my pulse pounds in my ears.

I follow you at some distance.

You open my bedroom door and for a moment, resistance flares as I think about the last time we were in here together. For a moment, I feel sick because I ask myself every time if you were playing me.

I bite this thought back hard, clench my hands, and enter the room behind you. I leave the door open. It is better that way.

We face each other and you lean your hip against my dresser. I stare at you. I haven’t done that for so long. Damn, you’re so perfect, far too perfect for me. A few rays of light fall through the skylight and brighten the room. Dust particles are dancing in the air.

Your eyes shine as your gaze slides over me again and stings me. I once thought that this ray of light was meant for me, but it was merely an act. Maybe you are playing now because you want something from me.

I cross my arms in front of my chest. When you look at me, I feel naked. You’ve undressed me in every way.

Your eyes darken a little. “I know I ca

I try not to snort in disbelief because I was happy before I found out you were only pretending.

But I remain silent and lean my shoulder against the door frame. You clear your throat again and crack your neck. The sound is so familiar to me that I almost shiver when I hear it.

You reach into the inside pocket of your jacket and take out two envelopes. Frowning, I ask myself what this is all about.

You carefully place one of them on the dresser. “This one,” you say, looking down at the envelope, while I can only look at your face, your perfect profile. “This is two plane tickets to Kentucky. I know your father has family there.”

In a nutshell, I don’t understand anything. Yeah, Dad has a sister, nephews, and nieces there, and his mother still lives there, but why would you get us two tickets to Kentucky? Why would you do that? And, uh... why do you assume two tickets is enough? You know I still have a mother, right?

I’m irritated that you came into my room.

“What?” I exclaim, confused, and you glance back at me.

“There is an institute that can help your father find his way back to life so he can be the father you deserve. The waiting list is long, but Harry Hastings is the lucky man who was just admitted. Don’t ask me how. At the university in Kentucky, you can graduate. At the end of the month, you’ll switch schools. All paperwork is taken care of. Your studies are all paid for too. Your new house is on Ragen Street, almost directly on the river, and in an e-mail, you’ll find the rest of the information you need.” You set the other envelope next to the first one and my frown deepens. I don’t understand anything anymore. “This is a check for fifty thousand dollars. This will cover your rent and utilities for a year. The clinic is already paid for.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing, Caden. In a flash, I try to absorb only the basic information. A clinic. For Dad. It’s a dream. For my dad, it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because we simply don’t have the money.

Why would you do all this? Besides, I don’t really want to leave. Chicago is where I’m from. It’s my home. On the other hand, I don’t feel at home anywhere without you.

However, I don’t understand the reason why you are doing this. You said you didn’t love me. Or are you just trying to push me away as far as you can? Am I still too close to you, Caden? Because it feels to me like there are real oceans and mountains between us.

“Why?” I ask, confused, while staring at your face, waiting for any sign, but it is so smooth and impenetrable.

“Because you deserve it. Because you deserve sunshine and to be okay,” you explain gently.

Naturally, there is an immediate little flame of hope that flares up inside me. A flame that believes that somewhere inside you, you do feel something for me. But you do not.

Why should you care how I feel? Why would you give me such a gift when you hurt me so deeply? Or do you feel obligated to do something?

“Why?” I ask again because I still don’t get it.

You take a deep breath. “Just call it reparations.” Ah, it’s the conscience you so rarely show. “It cost me nothing. It was only a few phone calls and it doesn’t matter if the money sits in my account or I use it for this. It’s the way it is. And you should be reasonable, Alayna.”

Now you’re telling me to be reasonable, Caden. I’m not thinking about how unreasonable you’ve been.

My gaze wanders to the envelopes. I’d like to tear them up and tell you to go to hell.

“Don’t even think about it,” you warn me, which is why I look back at you. Your eyes flash and my brows furrow.

Well I’m certainly not going to rip up and throw away this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for my dad. For you and me, hope may be lost, just like my lost mother, wherever she may be, but not for him. He can still hold on. He can find a woman who loves him. And I can move around outside without the danger of seeing you because seeing you is like reliving that horrible night over and over and over again.

So, I swallow my pride, anger, and personal pain, and look you in the eyes because if I accept this now, I don’t know when or if I will ever be able to submerge myself in those turquoise eyes again.

“Thank you,” I say softly and my hands grasp my upper arms. Everything within me wants to ask if you don’t feel something for me deep inside. Everything inside me wants to kiss you even if it hurts more afterward. But I don’t. I can’t do it again. The blackness you pushed me into is already blinding me.

Not only do your eyes flash, there’s now another storm raging in them. You stand there in the shadows and I’m in the sunlight. There are so many things I wish I could tell you but I can’t. I know that some of the questions I would ask, your answers would crush me even more. So, I’ll do what you tell me to do and I’ll go on. Somehow, somewhere else, and in the sun.

You nod once and I grow even tenser. When I imagine that I won’t see your face again...

“Okay, that’s it,” you say in a husky voice, but you don’t take your eyes off me. I grit my teeth. I don’t want this to be it. I still want so much with you, but it looks like I’m not the one for you. It doesn’t always happen on both sides. Sometimes it is only one. In this case, mine.

For a few seconds, I commit you to memory as we stand there staring at each other without moving. Then you push off and approach me. Now you will leave and this time forever, won’t you?

You stop right in front of me so that the transition from sun to shadow is directly between us. My heart races as I look up into your eyes and my fingers tingle because I want to touch you. You bend over, which makes me catch my breath. As soon as I feel your closeness and your scent enters my nose, my eyelids grow heavy. I can hardly keep them open. Inside me, it rages wildly.