Garden of Sins

47. As if you were never here, Caden

Alayna

I’m rearranging my room. The window is open and the church bells ring deafeningly loud for what feels like an hour. Soon, I won’t be able to stand it anymore.

Trying hard to find my way back to reality, I fold some clothes I washed. And even though I haven’t gone to school in so long, I also haven’t left the house. The advantage is that it is clean now.

It’s been two months since you broke my heart, Caden. Since you ripped me apart. Since you told me I was merely a game for you. Since you told me you didn’t love me. I wish I could hate you, but I just can’t. My stupid heart still longs for you and all I can do is wait it out. Wait for it to get better. They always say that it eventually gets better, right?

I keep wondering what you’re doing right now, how you’re doing, if you have someone new to play with now, if you’re still lying in the garage with Carter, laughing at me. Of course, there hasn‘t been any contact since then. My cell phone is usually turned off so I’m not tempted. You’re right, I have to stay away from you because when only one loves, the scales do not balance.

When I think about what I had with you, it feels like I won a million-dollar lottery and then found out the next day the names were mixed up and it was a mistake.

Was I a mistake, Caden? Was I just one of many? Honestly? I get the picture. There is only one great love for you and that is your brother.

It will always be him and I would never have tried to change that fact. I love how you love him. But you didn’t have to rip my heart out because of that. I feel so empty since you sent me away. Everything just sort of passes me by. I miss you all so much, but I would never say that out loud. I’m too hurt for that. Still.

One side of me wishes you would change your mind, stand in front of the door and say, “I lied, baby girl. I want you. Come back. I was just being a bastard again because I couldn’t find another way out.” I know that’s not going to happen because this time it wasn’t a game, it wasn’t a lie. This time it was the truth. Your eyes were so clear, so full of scorn. Inside me, it aches when I think of the way you looked at me.

I miss you so. I want to kiss you and beat you. I want to lie in your arms, smell your scent, and know that everything is okay. At the same time, I want to push you off a cliff so that you fall into the same blackness you shoved me into.

What will happen now and what are you doing?

Will you meet someone new? Have you already? Will you play your games again and move the next chess piece back and forth across your board? Until it is pushed off the board, making room for the next victim?

It kills me that I can’t touch you anymore when I want to because you are no longer mine. Were you ever really? Or have you always been his? Were you always Carter’s? Who’s pulling whose strings with you?

He holds you so tight and you know it, but you don’t do anything about it. You hold him just as tight and in the end, you’ll crush yourself. Your devotion to him is absolute and vice versa.

These thoughts have plagued me for weeks now.

I feel so empty and my tears have all dried up. There were many the first weeks and now, I feel as if a part, the most important part of myself, without which I am dead, has been ripped from me — that light you let shine in me. I’m not going to school because I can’t see you. I can’t just walk past you. I don’t go to work because everything there reminds me of you. The first three nights I slept in Jamie’s old room because I couldn’t stand my bed.

When is this shit going to get better?

When the doorbell rings, my heart pauses for a moment and I freeze with the red sweater between my fingers that I was about to fold.

We don’t get many visitors since my parents have been out of sorts. My mother has been gone for a while now, which is unusual. Naturally, I have tried to reach her, but her cell phone is off. A week ago, I reported her missing to the police, but so far they haven’t found her. A part of me doesn’t like that at all. I’m afraid something has happened to her. Maybe she hooked up with the wrong man. I try to fight that fear and instead, I keep busy trying to get Dad to react in some way and make him eat, but he has moved even less since she left even though he didn’t physically react to her not coming home.

As you can see, Caden, my life is a mess.

I leave my room and move almost mechanically down the stairs. The exciting sounds of a game show thunder from the TV and the sun shines through the windows. I have been diligently cleaning so much over the last weeks that there are absolutely no critters crawling around the house anymore. It also smells cleaner and there isn’t a speck of dust anywhere. I have even been busy repairing the damn dresser and that step on the porch. I piled the slats in the garden and made a campfire with them. As I gazed into the flames, I imagined you standing behind me and me leaning against you.

But you were not there and you won’t be coming back either, Caden.

The doorbell rings again, this time more urgently, and I take a shaky breath before I glance at the sofa again. Dad laid down and pulled the blanket I spread over him earlier over his chin. His eyes are constantly glued to the TV.

Sighing, I enter the hallway and open the door. The sun blinds me, so I have to blink a few times before I recognize the figure across from me. I stop breathing at the same time as my heartbeat. Immediately, my hands grow clammy and my knees weak.

For a moment, I wonder if my brain is playing tricks on me because I look directly into your turquoise eyes, which are illuminated by the sun, Caden.

Am I imagining you now? Or are you really standing in front of me in your black leather jacket and your white turtleneck sweater? Is it really your immaculate, shaven features that I am seeing right now? And your even, ta

My stomach rumbles and violently knots up as the emotions inside me go crazy. The one side wanting to slap you battles the one side wanting to grab your collar and pull you down to me.

Oh, my God, you’re at my door, Caden.

And I don’t do either. Nor can I speak because my throat is raw.

Your eyes inspect me and every inch of me that your gaze touches tingles. I feel more alive than I have in weeks because, without you, I am nothing but an empty shell.

You clear your throat and I have even missed a banal sound like that only when it comes from you. I am so stupid.

Perhaps you’re here to tell me that you love me like in a fairy tale. Or maybe you’re here to toy with me so you and Carter can pick up where you left off. Maybe you’re just bored and want to hurt me again.

I stiffen a bit and exhale softly. Something twitches in your eyes and a cheek muscle throbs.

“Can I talk to you?” you ask and I cling more firmly to the door handle because everything inside me weakens as soon as you open your mouth.

YES, I want to shout because whatever you have to say, I want to hear it. But I have to be careful, I don’t trust you.

“About what?” I ask softly and clear my throat because my voice is hoarse.

“About some important things. I promise it won’t take long.” Of course it won’t. It didn’t take long for you to rip my heart out of my chest either. After all, it was just one deliberate gesture.