Ugly girl

Chapter 13

How has this become my life? My whole world is falling apart all over again. Apart from Blake, I literally have no one I can trust. I want to be able to trust Shay and Ben, but adults have a way of being greedy assholes with ulterior motives and so far, while they’ve shown kindness, I still can’t find it in myself to trust them. Maybe it’ll come. Shay is certainly making one hell of an effort. Maybe she’ll claw her way in and refuse to let go. I hope she does, God knows I need her to.

Thick gray clouds cover the sky while the road glistens with water. It’s been raining since late last night. In fact, I could probably tell you exactly what time it started raining seeing as though I haven’t been able to find enough peace to fall asleep, and this time, it has absolutely nothing to do with my knife.

Being betrayed by adults is a non-event for me. I’ve long gotten over the fact that adults are jerks, but being betrayed by someone I called a friend, it stings in a way that I wasn’t prepared for.

I shouldn’t have been so surprised. Maze was hinting that she’s been wanting to fuck Slade since the second I met her. I should have been expecting her to try and get close to him, but the fact that she was telling him about my parents…that hurt. It took a lot for me to open up to her about that and she told him like it was nothing, she told him while he was buried deep inside of her. Who the fuck does that?

I step out into the dewy morning, hating that feeling of everything being damp but after another shitty weekend, I need the space to think. Well, technically I’ve had space all weekend, apart from the insistent texts and calls from Maze trying to apologize. She’s even showed up a couple of times but after thoroughly telling her to fuck off, she finally got the hint.

I can’t handle the bright and cheery car trip with Shay this morning, so here I am, walking with the threat of the skies opening up and making me it’s bitch.

I make my way down the path, trying to do some of that meditating bullshit but let’s be real, I’ve got no fucking clue what I’m doing. What I need to do is find Robbie McDowell and get me a hit of the good stuff.

I look out at the road as the morning commuters busily make their way around, to school, to work, busy moms racing to get a workout in before heading home to their babies, fathers heading out early to get a few hours of overtime to help put enough food on the table for their families, and then there’s me, the most fucked up of them all.

There’s something about the way the road looks after it’s rained. It’s almost refreshing, kind of like all the bullshit has been washed away and is ready for a whole lot of new bullshit. Let’s hope that can be the story of my day. I’ve washed away Maze and now I’m ready for something new.

I let out a heavy sigh and do my best to keep my mind off it. I can’t keep thinking about this depressive stuff, especially today. I want to be strong. I’m about to walk through the door of Aston Creek High and meet my doom in the form of Damian. I’m sure he’s the kind of guy to tell the world that he fucked me and be believed. After all, nearly the whole school witnessed my ass grinding against him.

I’m going to have a sour Rachel who’ll demand an explanation, Kathleen pissed off that I destroyed her bathroom action, Maze demanding my attention every moment of the day begging for a chance to explain herself, and then Slade…

I don’t know what’s going to happen with him. Everyone else is so predictable, but him. I can’t work him out. Two weeks ago when I first started here, I could have sworn I knew exactly who he was. I had him filed away in the school bully/alpha dude category but he’s making me want to reevaluate because the way he looks at me with that deep hunger and need tells me that there’s so much more going on here.

I don’t understand why I allow him to get under my skin like this. It’s absurd. I come from a world where every second guy is an asshole like that, but in walks Slade Cruz and I’m crumbling. He makes me feel as though I have something to feel ashamed of which also makes me want to climb him like a tree.

That very first day, he made me feel ugly. I’m not, I know that, but at the same time, Lucien did a good job at making me question myself.

Why do I find it so hard to escape the ugliness of this world? Once I can finally learn to put it behind me and move forward, then I’ll find happiness and love, but let’s be real, that shit ain’t going to happen for me any time soon. For now, I’m a lost cause.

I step up in front of the school and pump myself up. I can do this. I just have to walk in, remind people that I’m not the chick they want to fuck with and then somehow get through my day.

I let out my breath and start walking. I go through the doors and am thankful that the school isn’t too busy yet. It’s still pretty early in the morning. I guess all my over-thinking on my walk had me set a pace that I wasn’t quite aware of.

A few cheerleaders linger round and I instantly get unimpressed scowls which I return with a devilish smirk and a dip of my chin in thanks. Clearly, they’re either jealous or pissed off for Rachel's sake, but either way, they’ve done the one thing you’re not supposed to do in war; they showed their cards.

I stroll past them, enjoying the bitchy snickering that comes as I pass. The cheerleaders I meet are always the same. There’s the captain, the official top-rank cheer-skank who has control over her team and the majority of the female student body, and then there are her sheep, the rest of the cheerleaders. It’s always the same yet I can’t find it in me to ever get bored of it. It’s always fun messing with them and giving just one of them false hope that they don’t need to be a sheep. All hell lets loose and watching them scramble for the pieces of their perfectly put-together team is always a little mid-term fun.

As I reach my locker and go to put in my code, I can’t help but notice a broody asshole at the end of the hall with his bedroom eyes on my body. I cringe, this is going to be awful.

Damian pushes off his locker and makes his target known while the cheerleaders snicker and bitch in protest. I start preparing myself for the inevitable turndown for when he offers to finish what we started when Maze steps in between us and makes him wait for his turn.

“Just hear me out,” Maze says, coming in strong with her begging.

I pull open my locker with a little too much force and stare directly ahead. “There’s literally not a thing you could say to me that could convince me to hear you out.”

“Please, I just want to explain. I didn’t mean to sleep with him. He just kind of appeared and well, you were practically screwing him on the dancefloor,” she says, hooking her thumb in Damian’s direction. “I figured you didn’t care anymore, and damn, he’s just so hot, I couldn’t say no when he crowded me up the stairs. I swear, I wanted to say no for your sake but I just…I couldn’t.”

I turn on her, hating nothing more than someone’s weak, pathetic excuses for something I don’t actually care about. “You think this is because you wanted to get your world rocked by Slade Cruz? Are you kidding me? I don’t care that you fucked him. I honestly hope you had a fan-fucking-tastic time. I hope he made you come so hard that he destroyed you for every other dickhead in Aston Creek. I care that you told him about me. You told him something that I have never told anyone. I haven’t even hashed out that story for Blake,” her eyes grow wide but I don’t give her a second to cut in. “The second you got a little male attention, your loyalty flew out the window. You betrayed me for dick. So, congratulations, you’re officially a social-climbing whore just like everyone else around here. It’s all about getting to the top and not caring who you have to step on to get there.”