Blame it on the shame Part 3

Chapter 32 (Ricardo)

I watch the blood start to ooze out of the large gash in his throat. When I hear him start to sputter and choke a moment later, I grin and let myself relish in it, soaking up every second of taking this man's life.

I consider it my pregame for the next 36 hours.

“How's the girl?” I ask Marlene as life leaves his eyes and I throw his body to the ground.

“She's fine. A little shaken up, but she'll be okay.”

She scowls. “She already cashed the check at the 24-hour check cashing place.”

There's a condescending judgment in her tone, and I know what she's thinking—the hooker deserved what was happening to her.

I shoot her a look and she straightens her spine. “Sorry.”

I grunt and pull out the knife, wiping it on my suit. “Tell the men to clean this up.” I stand and start walking. “I have to get ready.”

I can hear her footsteps following close behind me as I walk up the stairs, no doubt freaked out because I've never put her or anyone else in charge of my men before, but it no longer matters. “Ready for what?”

When I don't answer, her steps become more frantic until she's jogging beside me. “Where's Lou-Lou? She's been gone for over a week now. Is she okay? What's going on? Why are you putting me in charge?”

I pause, not because I owe her any explanations, but because she's been loyal to me. I also know she cares about Lou-Lou on some level, despite having hated her in the past.

When I face her, her lower lip starts to tremble. “You're getting rid of them for good, aren't you?”

When silence is my answer, tears brim her eyes. “Oh, God. You're not coming back are you?”

I bend down and kiss her cheek. “I've left instructions for someone to deposit money into your bank account. It's probably less than what you deserve, considering everything you've been through since getting involved with the DeLuca's—but it will be enough for you not to have to be anyone's servant ever again. You can live on the beach, sipping drinks with umbrellas in them that people serve you for a change.”

“Ricardo, with all due respect, I don't think this is the answer. There's—”

I pound the wall beside her with my fist. “It's the only way. As long as there are still DeLuca's in the world, it will never end. It's in our blood, it never goes away, it only festers and grows. I just murdered someone less than 5 minutes ago because I needed to let off some steam and take the edge off. That shit is not normal, not by a long shot. What happens when it's no longer rapists' who are my usual targets, but little old ladies crossing the street?”

I wipe the blood off her cheek with my thumb. “You think Lou-Lou deserves that kind of life?”

She shakes her head. “No, I guess not. I still don't—”

I get close to her face, close enough I can smell the fear coming off her and my heart speeds up. “You've seen me, Marlene. You've seen what I do. You've seen what I become. Do you honestly think I could ever stop being what I am? Even for her?”

Another tear falls down her face. “No. But I—”

“I won't force her to survive another Bruno DeLuca.” I push off the wall. “Because that's where I'm headed. You know it as well as I do. I'm already on the ledge, about to go over. I won't do that to her. This shit ends now. It ends with me.”

I start to walk away but she grabs my arm. “I wish it didn't have to. I wish you'd—you're different, Ricardo.”

I shove her away. “Take care of yourself, Marlene. As far as you and everyone else is concerned, I'm just taking some time off. I trust you—I trust you won't betray my confidence. I'm asking you as my friend to respect my wishes.”

I glance back at her and she nods. “You have my word. Your secrets are safe with me, Mr. DeLuca.”

After I take a shower and wash all the blood off, I slide into bed next to her and pull her close. I have to leave in an hour, but I wouldn't miss these final moments with her for anything in the world.

She's sleeping, probably dreaming of dandelions and all good things, everything I want for her.

And when she wakes up tomorrow, all her monsters will be gone. She'll never have another nightmare again.

She drapes her arm around me and buries her face against my chest. “I love you, Ricky,” she sighs, her eyes still closed.

I kiss her temple and rub slow circles up and down her arms until she's fast asleep again. “I love you, Lou-Lou.”

My Lou-Lou.

I gently maneuver out from under her, being careful not to wake her.

Then I give her one last kiss, this time on those full lips of hers. “Il mio piccolo superstite,” I whisper, for what I know will be the last time.

I expected it to be harder for me to go through with this. I expected it to hurt more than it does, but every time I think about what Lou-Lou actually deserves and the only way of keeping her safe...I find peace.

There's plenty of men who would kill for the women they love if they had no other choice...but there's not many men who would prove it by taking their own life into account.

One day, Lou-Lou will find out the truth, she'll know I didn't just leave her, but left permanently, and it will hurt.

But I know when she thinks about it, really thinks about it. She'll understand. She'll know there was no other choice.

She'll remember every time I told her that I'd love her until my dying day and beyond...I fucking meant it.

She'll know this was the only way I could ever really save her.

I plant one last kiss on her forehead, lingering for a second longer than I should, and place some dandelions on the bed beside her, because I want all her wishes to come true.

And I need one last reminder of why I need to stay away for good.

My heart is making its protests known the further away I get from her. It's damn near pounding right out of my chest, begging me to crawl back in bed with her. Begging me to bury myself inside her and forget everything else.

I put my suit jacket on, grab my bag, and look back at her one last time.

She's the most perfect, beautiful thing on this entire goddamn earth.

A gift someone like me should have never been given—the one thing of his I'll never regret taking.

I watch as she stirs in her sleep, hoping she doesn't wake up right now...because where I'm going...my Lou-Lou can't follow.

I take a few steps and leave her in that bed, in that room where it all began.

The moment I fell in love with her while holding her in the dark...the night that changed everything between us.

I feel a single tear run down my face...and then it happens.

I leave my heart behind with her and close the front door.

I let the darkness consume me once again. This time for good.