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Chapter 30 (Ricardo)
I watch her as she gets dressed. I can see the questions in her eyes, the lingering what if on her lips, but unlike in the past, there's no protest this time around.
I know it's not easy for Lou-Lou to trust given all she's been through, and I understand just how much of a big deal this is for her, considering this is the worst possible thing to be hit with, but I can't help but feel proud of her for not falling apart right now.
I can see that strength of hers shining through. I can feel her resolve to try.
She shimmies a pair of jeans over her hips, ties her hair in a ponytail, and shoots me a small smile.
I pause and suck in a breath. She's always physically stu
I take a mental snapshot of her in this moment. It's another memory that will flash before my eyes, burned inside me forever.
My stomach starts to twist but I steel myself. It's getting harder and harder to look at her lately.
There's that little voice in the back of my head that whispers, “Maybe it will work out. Maybe you can give her everything she deserves. Maybe it won't ruin her. Maybe this doesn't have to happen.”
But I can't risk her safety and happiness on maybes. Not when I know just how sick I am on the inside. Not when I know that I'll always keep chasing the darkness inside me just as much as I chase the light inside her.
She deserves more than me, nothing will ever change that. Being with me will always be a danger, it's a fact.
I need Lou-Lou like a heart needs a beat, but I need her to be safe more. Her protection comes first, it always has and it always will.
But fuck, if the damn thing in my chest doesn't always yearn for her.
It's why I have to go away permanently, because it won't be enough just to stay away.
I'm selfish and I selfishly want her, all of her. There's no way I can continue living and breathing knowing she's out there in the world and not in my arms.
I'll always gravitate to her, I'll always find her. I'm not strong enough to escape her or the bond between us. I'm not strong enough to fight my obsession with everything Lou-Lou.
She pulls on her bottom lip and finishes tying a braid in her hair. “Do I have to go over there for di
I grab her hand and run my thumb over her knuckles. I know why she's trying to get out of this. I know she's embarrassed and she doesn't want to be judged.
But I also know that no one at that table will judge her...not anymore. I know they'll accept her with open arms, and I want her to do the same with them.
I want Lou-Lou to let them love her, because they're going to be around when I'm not. They're going to be her family. The people in her corner.
“Come on, baby,” I say, steering her toward the door. “Just try.”
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “Fine.” She licks her lips and runs her hands down her jeans. “But the second I feel uncomfortable, or someone at that table starts with me, I'm either decking them in the face or coming back here.”
I kiss her cheekbone and linger there for a bit. “Fair enough.”
We walk across the hall and the door to Jackson’s apartment is opening before I even knock.
Tyrone ushers us inside but not before scooping Lou-Lou in his arms and hugging her tight.
“Your boy Tyrone's got you,” he whispers in her ear. “Ain't nothing go
She wraps her arms around him and hugs him back. Out of the corner of my eye, I see both Momma and Shelby blink rapidly, trying not to tear up.
When they pull apart, I take her hand in mine and lead her to the table to sit down.
Jackson and Alyssa aren't in the kitchen yet, but I know when they arrive that's when things are going to get awkward.
Lou-Lou and Alyssa aren't exactly friends, and combined with everything that's happening now...I'm really not sure where the chips are going to fall tonight.
I know Jackson said he would take care of Lou-Lou, and although I can't force him to—I want him to do more than just take care of her, I want him to care about her. Not because he pities her, but because she really is an amazing person once you get to know her.
Momma and Tyrone see it, but I don't think Jackson and especially Alyssa, ever will. There's too much animosity between them.
That said, I hope like hell there's a way they can sort out their differences...because something tells me Alyssa might end up being a really good friend to Lou-Lou and vice versa.
“Can I help you with anything, Momma?” Lou-Lou's voice is small and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat, refusing to make eye contact with anyone and I feel like a bastard for doing this to her.
Momma puts a hand on her hip and clears her throat. “Momma's ears aren't what they used to be, darlin', you're go
There's a hint of a sly smile on Lou-Lou's face now and she looks Momma in the eyes. “I wanted to know if you needed any help with di
Momma's eyes crinkle and she gives her a wink. “No, sugar. But best believe you can help me out with all these dishes after di
Lou-Lou laughs and reaches for a roll. “No problem.”
They stare at one another for a moment before Momma walks over to her and tips her chin up. “We'll talk later when you're ready. Just you and me, okay?”
She nods and swats away at the tear in the corner of her eye. “I think I'd like that, Momma.”
Then to everyone's surprise, she hops up and hugs her, really hugs her.
Momma starts to sniffle and she cups Lou-Lou's face in her hands.
“We're not go
Jackson and Alyssa enter the kitchen just then and Momma looks around the room, making sure she looks each and every one of us right in the eyes. Making sure all of us know how dead serious she is about this. “Ain't that right, y'all?”
Momma's not one to mince words or to not talk about the elephant in the room, and right now Lou-Lou looks like she wants to crawl under the table and hide, but I reach for her hand and urge her to sit back down beside me.
When everyone nods and says, “Yes, Momma.” She goes back to filling the table with enough food to feed a small army.
When Lou-Lou looks down at her plate, I look at Momma and mouth, 'Thank you'. Her gaze softens and she blows me a small kiss before gesturing to Lou-Lou who's still looking down at her plate.
It's on the tip of my tongue to ask her what's wrong, but I don't have to when I notice Alyssa's belly is pretty much center stage thanks to Shelby and Tyrone making a spectacle over their nephew.
I close my eyes, knowing this right here is one of the biggest reasons I never wanted Lou-Lou to come here and see Alyssa.
Anger burrows in my gut, and for one moment, I have a horrible thought.
The thought that makes me an asshole, but I can't help it.
I wish Lou-Lou was the one who was pregnant instead of Alyssa. I wish the woman I love didn't have to go through the pain of losing our child.
I wish Alyssa wasn't pregnant so Lou-Lou could enjoy a simple meal without having to be haunted by Thumper's memory.
Me too for that matter.