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My heart jerks and he grabs my chin. “You are the bravest and strongest woman I've ever known. It's people like me who don't deserve you. I'm your downfall, your villain...but you're my goddamn hero.”
I fold my arms around his neck and pull him nearer, my heart aching for him even though he's right in front of me.
He holds me just as tight, both of us knowing that any more words are inadequate now.
There are no words that either of us can say to one another when it comes to this. There's nothing that can fix either of us when it comes to Thumper.
There's no way the tiny part of my heart where Thumper will always reside can ever forgive him...or myself.
But still...it doesn't mean I don't still love Ricardo with every part of my heart.
There's a comfort in this moment between us. It's far from healing...but maybe, just maybe, it's the first step.
Maybe our pain needed to be dragged out of the shadows.
Maybe I needed to see that Ricardo was hurting over Thumper, too... that I wasn't stranded all alone in my grief. That he would hold me close when I needed him to...because no one else can understand this loss between us like he can.
“Tighter,” I whisper as I sink into him. “I need you to hold on to me tighter.”
He grips me harder and I do the same for him. And for the first time in such a long time...I feel like maybe one day...I might be able to breathe again.
That maybe it won't always hurt so much. That maybe it's okay to mourn. That even though I'll never be able to forgive myself, maybe it's okay to forgive him for a little while.
Because I need him—I need him in all the ways that you shouldn't need someone else.
The ways they don't tell you about in fairytales.
I need him in ways that are unhealthy, illogical, and all consuming—because our love isn't the typical kind.
It's the kind that kills...it's the kind that takes no prisoners. It's the kind that will wreck you and leave you mutilated.
If I had to choose between life and him—and I have. I'd still choose him every time.
I won't have anything else in this world. I won't have the life that other people have...but I have my Ricardo.
I have the other half of my tarnished and fucked up soul and I will never let it go because without him...I won't exist.
I close my eyes as every beautiful moment we've ever shared crashes into me. Every laugh, every smile, every kiss and whisper and promise in the dark.
“Tell me what you need, baby,” he murmurs into my hair, his hands grazing the small of my back. “Tell me what I can do right now. I'll do anything, Lou-Lou.”
“I miss my safe spot,” I say against his skin. “My safe spot is where all my good memories are. The only good I've ever had in my life is there.”
He plants a soft kiss on my cheekbone and his eyes co
“Really?”
He nods and pulls me in for a kiss. “The complex is already on lock down, but I'll tighten security even more for the night if that's what you want.”
“Oh.” I try to hide my disappointment. “I thought we could stay for longer than one night. I was thinking maybe permanently?”
He exhales deeply. “The most I can give you is a few hours in the middle of the night tonight.” He leans his forehead against mine. “Please don't argue or ask why, Lou-Lou. Work with me here...trust me for once.”
“I—”
His eyes bore into me and I feel the impact right down to my bones. “Please, baby. For me.”
“Okay,” I whisper. “I won't fight you on this...for now.”
He smirks and then his lips are on mine. Sucking me further under his spell, making it impossible to argue with him.
“Is this one of your torture methods?” I ask between deep kisses that leave me breathless.
“Only for you,” he says against my lips. “I save these specific methods for you and you only.”
He pushes me so I'm lying on my back and continues planting the sweetest, tender kisses down the length of my body until he nestles between my legs—where he proceeds to spend the entire afternoon and most of the evening, beautifully torturing me with that talented mouth of his over and over again.