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He looks down at the blood now dripping from his tattoo and his expression contorts and twists into agony, but I don't care.
“Thum—” I have to stop myself. I haven't said my baby's name out loud in months and I'm afraid if I do...I'll lose it completely. I will lose whatever tiny thread my sanity is barely hanging onto.
This scar from losing my baby will never heal...because I will always want my baby. I will always want to be Thumper's mother and I will forever mourn the loss of never getting that chance.
Thumper was everything to me...and I failed to protect him the way I should have.
It's the ultimate burden that I bare—the one I'll never be able to carry. Because my baby's gone.
“Lou-Lou.” His voice is straining with emotion, begging me to hear the words he's about to say next, but there are no words that he can say. There are no words that can undo everything. There are no words that will bring Thumper back to me.
“You have no right,” I say, pushing him away from me and getting off the bed.
He has absolutely no right to show any ounce of emotion when it comes to Thumper. None at all. He's the reason he's dead.
“My baby,” I scream, my sobs becoming uncontrollable now. “My baby, Ricardo. Not yours.”
He moves toward me but I make a fist and cock my hand back. “You take one more step and I will punch you, Ricardo. I will punch you with everything I have in me...I will punch you hard enough that you feel all the pain you've just caused.”
He takes another step forward and raises his chin. “Then do it, Lou-Lou. Let me have it. But trust me when I say, there's no punch in this world that's hard enough. There's no punch that could ever compare to the pain I have inside when it comes to our baby.”
“Mine,” I correct him, my fist shaking. “And what? You think some tattoo on your fucking arm fixes it? You think putting my baby's name on your body honors his death somehow? The death that you're solely responsible for?”
He closes his eyes and staggers back. For a moment, I think maybe I did end up punching him...but then I look at him again and I see it.
Tears...actual tears in his eyes before he collapses on the floor and buries his head in his hands.
I've never seen Ricardo break...I've never seen a fissure in his suit of armor.
Until now.
“The only reason the baby was yours and not ours was because you didn't tell me.”
I feel like I just got sucker punched in the heart with those words.
I open my mouth to tell him I was trying to protect him, but he glares at me with glassy eyes and says, “I wanted our baby, Lou-Lou. I wanted you to be the mother of our child.” He looks up at the ceiling and another tear escapes down his cheek. “And I would have done anything to protect you both, I swear to fucking God. There's no limit to what I would have done if I only knew.”
“No.” I back away. “You would have made me get an abortion because that baby would have put Jackson and Tyrone's lives on the line. It's why I went to the clinic in the first place. Well, that and DeLuca would have killed you if he ever found out. He was already making moves to get rid of you by that point and I couldn't—”
I couldn't let him kill you.
“The baby would have saved you,” he says gruffly. “I never would have made you get an abortion because our baby would have saved your life.”
“Yeah but DeLuca would have killed—”
He stands up, walks over to me, and grabs my face. “I don't care. I knew what the possibilities were but none of them mattered as long as you were safe. That's all I cared about.”
I open my mouth but he continues, “You're not the only one grieving, Lou-Lou. You're not the only one who thinks about Thumper every day. And I know—my grief doesn't compare to yours, it never will. But I feel it, Lou-Lou. I feel it every damn day.”
His face turns hard. “I didn't get the tattoo to honor Thumper. Because you're right...I don't deserve that honor. I got it to remind me of the vile piece of shit I am. I got it to remind me of the shame I deserve to carry in my soul for not figuring out that you were pregnant in the first place and for not saving our baby. The shame I have for not protecting you and our Thumper the way I should have.”
“I—”
“Say whatever you want, Lou-Lou. Tell me how horrible I am and that you hate me...but stop saying Thumper wasn't mine.” Another tear escapes him and my own tears race down my face. “Because he was, and losing him hurts me in a way I'll never recover from...a way I'll never be able to get past. And I'd rather be acknowledged as the father who didn't protect his baby than not be allowed to grieve and mourn for the loss of my child at all. Please don't take that away from me, Lou-Lou. I'm fucking begging you. Yell at me all you want, tell me all the things I deserve to hear, punch me until your arms give out...but let me grieve with you, because Thumper was mine, too.”
My heart gives out when he falls against me and I hold him as he falls apart in my arms.
And then I'm falling with him, because everything I've kept bottled up over the past few months hits me with a vengeance.
He shifts upright until he's the one holding me tight.
Or rather, both of us are holding onto to each other, too afraid to let the other go. Too afraid to break apart because no one in the world will ever understand the other like we do.
No one will ever understand our shame like we do.
No one will ever understand the loss and devastation we've had to endure.
No one will understand our kind of love.
The kind of love that hurts and heals at the same time. The kind of love that forces you to make decisions that should never be made.
The kind of love that rips away at your heart and soul until you're torn inside out...completely open.
Completely broken.
“It hurts so much,” I whisper and he holds me tighter.
“I know it does, Lou-Lou. I know.”
“Thumper was supposed to be my beautiful.”
He pulls back slightly, brushing his thumbs over my tear-stained cheeks. “I don't—”
“I'm ugly on the inside.” He's about to argue but I continue, “Thumper made me beautiful on the inside.”
My heart spasms and a painful swell filled with agony hits me full force.
I punch my chest and tell him the most honest thing I've ever told anyone about myself. “I have a lot of love inside here. I know what everyone thinks about me, I know what they see when they look at me—the mentally unstable bitch. I know how I act, I know I'm not always nice to people and I push them away so they can't get close and hurt me. But I love, Ricardo. I love so hard, despite being hurt, I can still love.”
He pulls me into another hug and my tears fall down his shoulder. “I couldn't wait to be a mother, Ricky. I wanted to be Thumper's mom so bad. I wanted to give Thumper all the love I have inside me...all the good. I wanted to give our baby everything I never had. I knew being a mother was the only thing in the world I wouldn't screw up. I knew the only thing I could ever do right was love that baby...but I failed horribly.”
I choke back more tears. “I guess it's a good thing I can't have babies anymore, because I don't deserve to be anyone's mother. I actually received the right punishment from DeLuca for once.”
He squeezes me so tight I almost wince. “That's not true, baby, not even a little. I know you have a lot of love to give...I know because the strength of your love saved my life. You saved my life when no one else ever gave a fuck about me. You broke all the rules for me, Lou-Lou and you sacrificed something for me that I'll never be able to give back to you or make up for.”