Blame it on the shame Part 2

Chapter 6 (Lou-Lou)

 

"Lola Copacabana," the nurse calls out.

It isn't until she says the name again that I realize she's calling me.

I stand up and wipe my palms on my jeans.

I tracked down the nearest facility I could find and ran here as soon as Ricardo left for the gym.

He's usually there for a few hours so I figured it would buy me plenty of time.

The nurse appraises me and arches an eyebrow. "I take it your parents are Barry Manilow fans?"

"Look, I'm paying cash so can we just get this over with?"

I have to force myself not to think about what's about to happen.

Because if I do...then it's real and it's actually happening.

And if I think about it...I won't be able to go through with this.

I've always been a firm believer in women having the right to choose...and I'm exercising that right.

This baby will get me and possibly others killed.

She leads me into a small, white, cold room and hands me a gown to change into.

Then the questions start rolling in.

I answer as many of them as I can honestly and then she tells me she needs me to pee in a cup.

I make quick work of it and when I see that stick turn positive something inside me cracks.

This is real and it's happening.

And I won't be able to keep my baby.

"Well, according to the urine test, you're pregnant," she tells me.

"I'm aware. Why else do you think I'm here?"

She opens her mouth but I cut her off. "I need an—" I stall because I can't manage to say it out loud.

"I just...I can't have it," I say, my voice quivering.

Understanding splashes across her face before she speaks. "Well, we're going to need to do an exam, run some tests, and you're going to need to speak to a counselor. Then you'll have to make another appointment for the procedure."

"I have to come back!" I scream, startling both her and me. "You can't be serious. Can't you just get rid of it? Like today...within the next 5 minutes preferably."

Every minute that goes by the harder this will get.

"I know this is a difficult time—" she starts to say.

"Lady, you don't know the half of it."

"I'm sorry, but it won't be happening today. I know that may be hard to hear but there's a reason for the protocol. You can go to another facility but any reputable one will have a similar protocol."

"What kinds of tests do you have to do?"

"Today we're going to do an ultrasound so we can see how far along you are. You don't have to look if you don't want to. After that, you're going to speak to a counselor and go over all your options. The doctor will also hand you a script to get blood work done. The sooner you can get to the lab and get that done, the sooner we can make you another appointment for the procedure."

"Okay. Can we start?"

"Absolutely, I'll start setting up now."

I tell myself to breathe as I lie back and she starts setting everything up for the ultrasound.

Then there's a knock on the door. For a second, I start freaking out thinking DeLuca found me here but it's just someone asking for the nurse.

When the nurse comes back in she brings someone else with her...someone who's wearing bright yellow scrubs and looks way too cheery for the situation I'm in.

"Hi, how are you today?" she coos while giving me a megawatt smile. "I hear congratulations are in order?" she sings.

I want to punch this bitch in her goddamned throat. I glare at her and point to my face. "Does this look like the face of someone you should be congratulating, asshole?"

She balks and I look at the first nurse. The first nurse apologizes profusely and says there's been an emergency and the doctor needs her but that yellow scrubs will be taking over for her.

She then whispers something in yellow scrubs ear and her demeanor changes completely.

The first nurse walks out and I turn my head to the side so I don't have to look at that screen. I hear her fiddling around and I decide to close my eyes.

Thump...thump...thump.

I'm alarmed when I hear some kind of loud, crazy, frantic thumping sound followed by a "Shit!" before the thumping sound stops altogether.

I immediately prop myself up on my elbows. I still can't face the monitor, but for reasons beyond my understanding, I need to hear that sound again. "What was that?"

"I'm so sorry," she squeaks out. "Please, don't tell my supervisor. It's my first day and it was an accident. I mixed up some wires—I didn't mean to turn the sound on."

I roll my eyes because her lower lip starts trembling and I really don't have time for this shit.

I have to know what caused that sound.

"I'm not mad. Just tell me what that sound was. I have to—I need to hear it again."

She turns pale and looks even more apologetic. "It was the heartbeat. You're just about 7 weeks."

"That was a heartbeat? Is it supposed to be so fast? Is that healthy? Is it okay? Is something wrong?"

I stop when I realize the questions I'm asking like rapid fire aren't questions a girl who's getting rid of her baby should be asking.

She looks uneasy and blows her bangs out of her face. "Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes," I say before I can stop myself. "Can you play it again for me? Please?"

She presses a few buttons and that crazy thumping sound fills the room again. "It's so fast," I say. "That's...God. That's so amazing."

It's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.

That's when I turn my head and face the monitor.

My entire world stops....because I fall head over heels in love with something the size of a sweet pea on the screen.

Then I notice something blinking. "What is that?"

"That's also the heartbeat."

"Is it...is that normal? I just can't get over how—" I pause trying to find the right word. When it comes to me I almost break down and cry. "It's strong. Like really strong."

Her smile falls. "Do you want the truth?"

"Yes," I say. "I'd love a truth."

She gives me an odd look, but I gesture for her to keep going. "It's perfectly normal actually. 123bpm." She twists her hands. "Please don't hate me for saying this because it's very unethical of me...but you're right, it is a strong heartbeat. One of the strongest I've ever heard."

"That's because my baby's a fighter," I tell her. Just like their Mommy and Daddy.

And that's when the tears start streaming down my face...because there's no way in hell I can do this.

I don't know what I'm going to do...but I can't give my baby up.

"I can't do this."

She looks nervous. "You don't have to make any decisions yet. You still have time. I didn't mean to make your decision even harder on you and I'm sorry I screwed up."

"You didn't screw up," I say. "It wasn't a mistake."

I look at the screen again and this overwhelming need to protect and love this little thumping sweetpea fills me.

I've never been good at anything in my life. Not a single fucking thing. But somehow I just know I was meant to be a mother.