Stay with me

The thought of seeing Ollie kept me pacing my dorm room, all the while keeping an eye on the little hand as it slowly ticked by the second. I couldn’t understand why I was so nervous to see him. He’d told me he was in love with me. His words belonged in movies and romance novels. I didn’t deserve for those words to belong in my life, especially coming from him.

Ten more minutes, I told myself—only needed ten more minutes. No one knew I was back yet, and I’m sure everyone—maybe not Bria, but everyone else—would be happy to see me. But would they be glad to see the new Mia—the Mia who had feelings and shed tears? I was still trying to get to know my new self at the same time as sorting my past, sorting my feelings with Ollie, and sorting this torment with Oscar.

Sorting.

Filling my lungs, I opened my door and walked out into the hallway. When I approached the mess hall, I paused under the archway to scan the room, but Ollie was nowhere in sight.

“Mia?!” A shriek bounced and I immediately knew it was Jake. He stood from his table with wide eyes and his mouth agape. In no time, his arms were around me. “You’re back!”

After he pulled away, he walked me over to the table as warm smiles greeted me from the rest of them.

“Was it as bad as everyone says it is?” Isaac asked.

“No, not really. Honestly, I was unconscious the majority of the time, so I don’t remember too much …” I trailed off as I sca

“He’s not here,” Alicia said. “He hasn’t eaten with us since you left.”

“It’s fucking strange. I’ve never seen Ollie like this before,” Isaac added.

Bria sat in silence as she kept her eyes on the table before her.

“I’m going to go find him. I’ll see you guys later.”

My hands shook as I approached Ollie’s door, and I ran them down the front of my pants before waving them in the air to shake out my nerves. I knocked twice over his door, and his beautiful raspy voice came from the other end.

“Who’s there?”

His voice resurrected my Ollie-smile.

“Water,” I said, this time in my American accent.

Seconds passed, and I imagined seeing his lips turn up into his contagious smile.

“Water who?”

“Water you doing, love? Let me in …” I laughed.

The door opened, and Ollie stood in his black jeans, loose white tee, and a lopsided grin. His hair poked out from under his beanie as he leaned against the open door. “I’m dreaming, yeah?” His body relaxed at the sight of me. “Because if I am, don’t you dare wake me up.” I closed the gap between us and reached for his hand before lacing my fingers in his. Ollie’s eyes closed as a slow exhale left his lips. “I was lost without you.”

He pulled my hand around his waist and wrapped his long arms over me, pi

He pressed his lips against my forehead before his chin rested over the top of my head. “I’m so sorry. I tried to get to you, but I couldn’t, and I don’t know what to do, Mia. Please, tell me this means you’re back …”

“I am, and it’s going to be different now.”

He dipped his head back to see my face. “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t say anything before because I wasn’t sure myself, but Ollie, I remember everything that happened to me. But most importantly, I can feel, and it’s going to stay. I’m staying. All you asked was for me to believe in us, and I do. That belief turned into something beautiful, and now I understand.” My voice broke as my eyes watered. “I’m staying because with you I have a home, Ollie … it’s in here.” I rested my palm against his chest.

A single tear fell from his eye before he wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt. “Emotional intensity …” he reminded me through a mutter as if crying in front of me would make me look at him differently.

I reached for his face and fixed his glossy eyes in front of me. “You should never be ashamed, Ollie, never in front of me. Your heart is beautiful. You’re beautiful.” He nodded as another tear fell and I stood on my toes to press my mouth against his salty lips.

His kiss in return was more firm and urgent, and his lashes were wet against mine as he pulled me away from the door and over the mattress on the floor.

We lay over his bed as he stroked my hair. “No one can know about us, Mia.”

“Why? Does this have to do with the whole Dolor’s anti-relationship clause?” Ollie didn’t laugh when I expected him to, which alerted me to sit up. My eyes searched his. “What happened?”

Ollie sat up with me and leaned his back against the wall, us side by side. “A lot of people here aren’t like Jake, you, or myself. When they see people happy in a relationship, it fuels them to do whatever they can to destroy it. They want to bring everyone down to their level. Basically, if they can’t have it, no one can.”

“I’m still not following the severity of this …”

“There’s a history, but I’ll tell you about the most recent: Thomas and Livy. Their relationship started at the begi

My hand moved over my mouth. “Oh, my god.”

“It gets worse. She ended up getting pregnant. Thomas went ballistic. He already had anger issues to begin with, but between the rape and the pregnancy, it sent him over the edge. He killed one of the guys who raped her and was sent away after. I believe he’s now in prison.”

“But what about Livy?”

“After Tommy’s dismissal, she couldn’t go on anymore. They found her in her room over the summer—” he paused and drew in an unsteady breath. “She killed herself, Mia.”

“No …”

“Yes … two lives destroyed because of a relationship. It’s sick.” Ollie grabbed my hand from my thigh and brought it into his lap. “The moment you walked through the mess hall, I knew I was fucking doomed. And, Christ, when we first kissed …” he shook his head. “I can’t go back to a time before you, Mia. We can never not be together.”

Grabbing his hand from his lap, I dropped my head over his shoulder. “We can’t. We won’t.”

Ollie released a breath and kissed the top of my head. “So, we have two options. We can either say ‘to hell with everyone’ and it will always be us against them until we leave this place, or we can keep us hidden—no one knowing. Both will be equally hard for me, and I wish things were different. But they’re not. I’m okay with whatever you choose. All that matters is you and I, alright?”

First, our disorders tried keeping us apart, and now it would be Dolor. I was sure of Ollie. I was sure what we had was strong, but sometimes the easiest decision isn’t always the right one. “We have to stay undercover.” The risk wasn’t worth it.

Ollie exhaled. “Come here,” he said, picking me up and planting me over his lap. “Then we can’t tell anyone about us …” he sighed.

“I know.”