Alien in the Family

“Yeah.” Martini sounded awed. I did my best not to feel anything about that.

A crowd appeared around us. It parted a bit as a group of people came down the stairs. One was old and leaning on a cane. I didn’t buy that he needed it and figured this was King Adolphus.

I looked around. Our group was all on its feet. Sure, some of our group were being held up on their feet, but we were still standing. On cue, Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” came on.

“Barely,” Tim called out. The others chuckled. Nice to know ACE wanted to share my tunes with everyone. I wasn’t sure they worked for the others like they did for me, but I didn’t have any time to worry about it because King Creepola was in front of us.

The king stopped at a stair landing about fifty steps above us and looked around. “The Rituals are completed!” His voice boomed. He wasn’t bellowing like Martini—it was more like he was speaking through a super-duper sound system.

“How’s he doing that?”

“Troubadour.” Martini sounded as unimpressed with that skill as Christopher had when he’d told me about it. “Vocal projection is one of the traits.”

“Well, that explains a lot.” Most actors don’t want to give up the gig of a lifetime, after all. I detached from Martini. “Wait here, Jeff.”

I took off my headphones, put my iPod into a jacket pocket, and started up the stairs at a trot. The king was glaring at me. I didn’t care. He wasn’t getting to win with no pieces left on the board. I did have a question, though. ACE, how is it I can understand him and see him move at human speeds?

ACE is providing translations for sight and sound. All will understand and see each other.

You rock. I looked up. Sadly, I was still a lot of steps away from the king.

“You are found not worthy,” he said to me, voice still booming out.

I shrugged and kept on going. No one tried to stop me. Reached his level without panting. My track coaches had lived by the train and pain method. Fifty stairs was nothing, I’d learned to do two hundred at a go.

“You are not worthy in my sight,” he said. Close up he was kind of icky. If I stripped away decades, he might have once looked good. Now, he looked old and shriveled. He didn’t have old person smell, which confirmed to me he wasn’t nearly as decrepit as he was acting. Happily, I didn’t see Alfred in him anywhere, so I could comfort myself that, should I ever get married to him, Martini wouldn’t age like this.

“Yeah, and you’re really gross, but, hey, we can’t have everything.” My voice was booming, too. “Wow, you a walking microphone or something?”

“Hardly,” he snarled.

ACE is projecting Kitty’s voice.

Thanks, big guy. I looked around. “Nice view. Bet it’s better from way up top there. So, just to bring the populace up to speed with the Reader’s Digest version of current events, you’ve been plotting to overthrow the entire solar system’s planetary leaders, toss a godlike superconsciousness inside yourself, then rule everyone forever from on high. Did I miss anything?”

“How dare you?” He was bellowing, but still, Martini did it better.

“Oh, blah, blah, blah. ACE? Any way you can save us all a lot of time and needless blathering and just show the folks at home what’s been going on across the railroad tracks?”

I felt something radiate out of me. There were gasps and a lot of muttering. I felt it circle this world and send itself out to the other worlds in the solar system. Thanks. Hope it wasn’t overkill.

They deserved to know.

King Adolphus glared at me. Not up to Martini’s standards, let alone Christopher’s. “You are still found unworthy.”

“Whatever, Kitler. It’s time to pick the successor.”

“I am not dead.” He snarled at me. “But you soon will be.” He raised his cane up over his head.

I heard a growl. First one, then several. Poofikins burst out of my pocket, landed in front of me, and went Martini-sized. The other Poofs all joined it, bodies and teeth set to full. I had a Poof blockade between me and the king. All growling.

Adolphus started to back up, but a new growl a

“I am the ruler here!” he thundered.

Poof growling increased. “Doesn’t seem like they care. Or agree. Could be that they know there are several options down below us, all better fit to lead and rule than you ever were, as near as I can tell.”

I didn’t want Martini picking up anything from me right now. ACE, can you make sure Jeff can’t feel what I’m feeling?

ACE has already, Kitty, since Kitty chose to come here. ACE understands.

Thanks.

Adolphus was back with the thundering. “Citizens, you must destroy these invaders and traitors!” I checked—nobody moved.

“I don’t think they like you much any more, Kitler.”

“I am the sanctified ruler!”

“Sanctified? Dude, did you miss it? Your Amazonian Assassin Squad’s been destroyed, literally, so you have no fighting force to support you. Your battle cruiser’s on the way home, pretty much devoid of perso

“You are a failure as a future queen,” he snarled at me. “Even if he stays, you will not stay with him.”

“I know.” I did. My throat was tight and I wanted to cry about it, but I’d realized where we were heading as soon as I saw the outline of the real plan.

Adolphus looked at me. His expression was familiar; I’d seen it a lot for the last year or so—enraged insanity focused solely on me. I was the girl all the psychos and megalomaniacs wanted to hang with, after all.

“You. This is all your fault.”

“Pretty much, yeah. That’s how I roll, Trouble Chick to the Rescue, sort of thing. Destroy the decades’ worth of pla

“I will destroy you.”

“Already tried. Already failed. You saying you’re ready to go head-to-head with me now?”

His answer was to lunge for me. I didn’t have to answer back. The Poofs did it for me.

Adolphus was devoured. There weren’t even any bones left. The Poofs finished up, burped discreetly, then went back to small. They trotted over to me and purred.

I had no choice.

CHAPTER 55

I BENT DOWN AND GAVE THE POOFS lots of pets and lovies. “Good Poofies!” I mean, I wasn’t going to argue with the save. And they were so proud of themselves. The purring was almost deafening.

I stood up to see a man and woman near me. Tenley mewled and jumped onto the woman’s shoulder. She was about Alfred’s age, maybe a bit younger. I didn’t have to ask if she was Alexander’s mother. He looked just like her.

The man was older than she was, but not as old as Alexander had insinuated. That this was Leonidas wasn’t a question in my mind—he wasn’t a big man, but he radiated intelligence, authority, and confidence. He looked around and raised his arms. “The Poofs have spoken!” His voice carried just like Adolphus’ had. I assumed that the troubadour talent went naturally with a political bent.

“Excuse me? The Poofs chowed down, but they didn’t speak.”

He nodded solemnly. “When a ruler is deemed unfit by the Poofs, it’s proof that a new ruler must be found.”

I processed this. “You mean the Poofs’ role in the succession process is more than just making more Poofs?”

“Yes.”

“What about the king’s Poof?”

“Sadly, Heinrich passed on to its greater reward many decades ago.”

I let the myriad comments I could have made slide. Give me credit for the diplomatic effort. “So you’re okay that they turned Adolphus into Poof Chow?”