Antsy Does Time

Mrs. Ümlaut sighed, and Kjersten shook her head as she got into the taxi. “Why does everyone confuse us with Holland?”

“I know this guy,” says Christina. “His kid’s in my class. He eats pencil sharpenings.”

“Go on,” grunted the pig-man. “Get atta here! We don’t need ya!”

I’m about to tell the guy off—but then I hear a bang, and I see that Gu

’You can’t get rid of me!” he yells to the pig-man. Then he turns to address all the neighbors, speaking loud and clear: “I’ll be everywhere—wherever you look. Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever they’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad, an’ I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry an’ they know supper’s ready. An’ when our folks eat the stuff they raise an’ live in the houses they build—why, I’ll be there.”

I had to smile—I even applauded, because at last Gu

Gu

“Dewey Lopez didn’t get a picture of that, did he?” I asked.

“If he did, it’s your problem now.” Then he jumped in the taxi. “Ciao.”

Kjersten put her hand out the window for one final farewell grasp, and the taxi driver floored it, nearly leaving Kjersten’s hand behind with me. I watched as they accelerated down the street and turned the corner.

“Someday,” said Christina, “I hope to have friends as problematic as yours.”

My thoughts were still on Kjersten. I wish I could have come up with a quote like Gu

But what do you say to a Scandinavian beauty who’s about to get on a plane and fly out of your life?

22. A Weed Grows in Brooklyn

Just as Old Man Crawley predicted, Paris, Capisce? had celebrities dragging their nails over one another’s backs to get in the door. We ended up having to schedule celebrities—one per night—so they didn’t all arrive at once. Dad, still recuperating, took the calls from home, chatting with agents, and the stars themselves. It was great! I got to meet more famous people than I thought I’d meet in a lifetime, then pour water over their heads.

With all this celebrity appeal, the restaurant was packed every night with people hoping to eat a fine meal, spot someone famous, and see them get drenched—either by me, or this guy they hired who looked and sounded like me, which I still find too creepy to talk about.

Christina even got into it, selling the pitchers we used on eBay for prices that could fund her college education someday.

Long story short, by the time Dad was ready to go back to work, Paris, Capisce? was the hottest restaurant in Brooklyn. We were all realistic enough to know that trends pass, that it wouldn’t last forever, but we’d also been through enough to know we gotta enjoy what we got, when we got it.

“It’s go

So he doubled his staff, and cut his own hours in half, leaving the stress for someone else. He even has time to cook at home with Mom again, and watch a game or two on the weekends with me.

“When I finally go, I’m sure it’ll be a heart attack,” he said to me. “But let’s hope I go like your grandpa”—whose ticker didn’t give out until he was pushing eighty-eight.

It’s all about spin, Old Man Crawley had said. Spin makes a big difference, doesn’t it? My father almost died, but spin it a little, and it’s a life-changing warning that taught him to appreciate the important things in life. And the Ümlauts—they lost just about everything they had, but with the right spin, it becomes a shining opportunity to start fresh.

I went back to their block a few months later, out of curiosity more than anything else. The house was still empty, and still at the center of a dust bowl. The bank that now owned the home was still trying to find a buyer—but, see, my sister, in her attempt to keep Ichabod undisturbed, had started a rumor that the backyard didn’t just contain a single cat grave—it was, in fact, a local pet cemetery, and the final resting place of a hundred neighborhood critters—not all of them resting in peace.

Fu

As I approached the house that day, I saw a single weed trying to poke its way up through a crack in the pavement. The first sign that the dust bowl was over! Then, as I looked more closely at the yards all around me, I could see patches of little ugly weeds popping up everywhere. Life was coming back to the street, and I thought how appropriate that the first plants to come back will be the plants all the neighbors will kill with more herbicide. Thus is the cycle of life.

Me, I had better things to do than watch the weeds grow—because for my fifteenth birthday, my parents got me a passport, and a plane ticket. Brooklyn weeds may have their own unique charm—but I hear spring break is beautiful in Sweden!

APPENDIX 1

MORE FAKE QUOTES BY GUNNAR ÜMLAUT

“A family is a collection of strangers trapped in a web of DNA and forced to cope.” — MARIA VON TRAPP

“No luncheon shall ever present itself free from payment in coin or pound of flesh.” —WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

“All right, I admit to having cursed the darkness once or twice.” —ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

“Being rich is nothing when compared to being really, really rich” —BILL GATES

“What no one seems to realize is that there are no bathrooms on the moon.” —NEIL ARMSTRONG

“I do not mourn the loss of my hearing, and in fact, I foresee a time when popular music shall cause entire populations to long for my affliction.” —LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN

“Time is the unquantifiable commodity that greases the gear work of creation. But I prefer Russian dressing.” —ALBERT EINSTEIN

“The fabrication of quotes is like the manufacture of polyester. It may pretend to be silk, but suffocates when the climate is hot.” —MAHATMA GANDHI

APPENDIX 2

THE DEATH EUPHEMISMS OF SKATERDUD

Pushing Posies

Meeting the Mud

The Dirt Dance

Snooze Button Bingo

The Root Rhumba

Sucking Seaweed[4]

The Formaldehyde High

Visiting Uncle Mort

Sniffing Satin

The China Express

Bucket Soccer

The Last Lawn Party

Farm Finale

The Shovel Symphony

Chillin’ with Jimmy

Box Potato

El Sayonara Grande

APPENDIX 3

ANTSY BONANO’S TIME CONTRACT (IN ITS FINAL VERSION)

I, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath one month of my natural life to

Gu