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Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Have you ever suffered from heartburn, or acid indigestion? If so, what do you do about it?
Oh, I used to get this all the time—I’d wake up at three in the morning with a horrendous burning sensation in my chest. Then one night my bed caught fire, and I realised I’d been going to sleep every night with a lit cigarette in my hand. When I stopped doing that, the problem went away.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Please help me—I can’t stop scratching my testicles at night! It’s getting so bad, my wife is threatening to sleep in another room. And now I’ve noticed a red rash, which seems to be spreading to my wider nether regions. Is this “jock itch”?
Sounds like it to me. The first thing to do is change your underwear. Personally, I find that nylon Y-fronts give me a raging case of ball itch: it’s like they’re on fire, man. Now, I wouldn’t mention this to your missus (if you ever want her to go near you again), but it’s all to do with trapped sweat. So the next thing to do is get yourself some antifungal cream—the same stuff you’d use for athlete’s foot—and it should calm down in a few days.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Thanks to your medical wisdom I already know your cure for a cold—a Hot Ozzy—but what’s the best way to prevent one?
Your local drug store will sell you any old bollocks to “prevent” a cold—they must make a fortune out of virus season—but the fact is, you’ve just gotta ride it out. There’s no harm in having a Hot Ozzy or two as a precaution, though. If it does nothing else, it’ll make your day at work go by a lot faster.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the most effective treatment for the hiccups?
Extreme pain, combined with the element of surprise.
♦ The longest-ever attack of hiccups went on for 68 years—68 fucking years, man!—and was suffered by an American guy named Charles Osborne (no relation). It started in 1922, when he was weighing a hog for slaughter in Iowa, and didn’t stop until 1990. The worst thing is, he dropped dead from an ulcer only a year after he got better. The good news? His hiccups didn’t stop him getting on with his life: he managed to get hitched and have five kids (which proves that anyone can get laid, if they put their mind to it). He was even mentioned in Gui
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the best cure for snoring? I need something to shut up my husband, who sounds like a whale with a foghorn stuck in its throat, before I kick him downstairs to the sofa.
I used to share a room with a guy who had the worst snore in the world, I swear. One night, I got so fed up with him, I filled up a wastepaper basket with water, put it next to his bed, and told him, “One snore, and it’s going over yer head.” And y’know what? It cured him. Or at least he didn’t dare go to sleep until he was pretty fucking sure I’d already nodded off. Having said that, I’m a terrible snorer myself. So is Sharon. Our 17 dogs snore, too. When all of us are in action at the same time, our bedroom must sound like the London Nostril Choir. It’s never bothered me, though. I’m usually asleep.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it really true that chicken soup can help with congestion?
Yes—especially if you add gasoline. Seriously though, I’ve definitely heard that there’s a special chemical in chicken soup that breaks up all the gunk in your nose, making you breathe a bit easier… but in my experience it only lasts for as long as you’re eating the stuff. It’s more likely the heat of the food that gets the old snot ru
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the best cure for depression?
It’s tempting to give you a fu
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it true that “onion syrup”—onions cooked with brown sugar or honey—can help with a cough?
No idea. I do know that if you eat enough onions, it’ll cure people from wanting to speak to you again.
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Magic Medicine
1. Which musical instrument allegedly cures “sleep apnoea” (when you don’t breathe properly at night)?
a) A kazoo
b) A didgeridoo
c) An Auto-Tune machine
2. What the fuck is “Peruvian Viagra”?
a) A squished frog
b) A well-trained hamster
c) A rare type of bean
3. The ancient Egyptians treated blindness with…
a) Tickling
b) Sunlight
c) Bat’s blood
4. Which “cure” for AIDS has actually helped spread the disease?
a) Bonking a virgin
b) Putting the condom on your big toe
c) Smothering your private parts in clarified butter
5. In the 1960s, psychiatrists treated alcoholics with…
a) Alcohol
b) LSD
c) Hospital-grade laxatives
CHAPTER NOTES: HOW TO CURE ANYTHING