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Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My boyfriend and I have split up a few times but keep getting back together—we can’t live apart! Recently, though, the excitement we had six months ago has vanished (especially for him). If ending it all isn’t an option, how can we get the spark back?
Listen: at the age of 17, your excitement level is go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
After about a year of dating my girlfriend, I’ve finally realized that I enjoy jerking off more than sleeping with her. Is this fucked up? Should I break the news to her?
Let’s face it: it’s hard to beat a good old five-knuckle shuffle. For a start, you don’t have to take your right hand out for di
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I have been with my beautiful wife for twenty years, and our sex life has always been wonderful—but instead of making love every day, like we used to, it’s now just two or three times a week. I’m starting to worry if it’s me or her—and if, as I’m getting older, my desire is fading (I’m 65). Please help, this is such a huge part of my life.
Three times a week—at the age of 65?! Come back to me when it’s three times a year. Seriously, man… you ain’t in a bad place. You need to enjoy yourself while you still can and stop moaning.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a 42-year-old single man who lives with his mother. Worse than that, I’m a bedwetter. I’m convinced it’s the reason why I’ve never had the confidence to ask a girl out on a date. Please help.
As I’ve said before, I used to be a bedwetter when I was still drinking. My wife Sharon would have to put on a life jacket when she went to sleep at night. It wasn’t the just bed, either: I’d take a leak in the wardrobe, over the edge of the balcony, in the fridge-freezer, you name it. Eventually I went to my doctor and said, “Look, I don’t want to p*** the bed, but I don’t want to stop drinking.” He told me, “You can have one or the other, but not both.” So if you’re a drinker: stop. In the meantime, go and see your GP. You ain’t go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
One of my old boyfriends (he dumped me) has just become engaged to a very wealthy, very good-looking, and very well-known French woman. I know it’s not healthy, but I’m obsessing over it. In your experience, what’s the best cure for a jealous heart?
You could always do what I did when I was dumped by a girl at Silver Blades ice rink in Birmingham: I got the word out to her friends that I was so upset, I was go
Dear Ozzy,
My ex-boyfriend left me for my best friend last summer. Just to rub salt in the wound, I recently found out that he proposed a year to the day after breaking up with me. I’m now considering sending them a steaming bag of shit as a wedding gift. Should I do this, or let karma run its course?
Think of it this way, Ashley: your steaming bag of shit IS his karma. Having said that, if you’re go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
A really good friend of mine went on a couple of dates with a very minor celebrity. Each time it felt like a Bachelor episode, because he never made a move. Now, a month later—under a lot of pressure—he’s confessed he has herpes. She still wants to date him, but in my opinion he can’t be trusted. Who’s right here?
Are you absolutely sure he has herpes? I might be wrong, but I don’t think most guys would mention the H-word at all—especially not after two dates—unless they had a raging attack of it that was making their balls glow florescent green. To me, it seems like he might be using it as an excuse to cover up an even deeper secret. I mean, you never know: maybe he has a boyfriend on the side, and doesn’t want to sleep with your friend at all.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I’m a heterosexual man—honestly—but found myself becoming stimulated in the most embarrassing way while getting a Swedish rub-down from a male masseuse. Even worse: it was a couple’s massage, and my wife was lying next to me. She noticed, and hasn’t talked to me since. What can I say to her to make this better?
Oh, Eric. You could always say to your wife, “I’ve never kissed a man—but I might have kissed a man who has.” Seriously, though… I suppose the question is, would your wife have been more or less pissed off if you’d reacted in the same way to a female masseuse? If you think she might have been cooler with it, you could always tell her it was the thought of a menage-a-trois that set you off, not the big glistening hunk of love muscle who was stimulating your deep tissue. Actually, no, don’t do that. All I can say is that in future, you might want to try avoiding other blokes when you’re down the parlour. Personally, I couldn’t think of anything more uncomfortable than being oiled down by some ex-Chippendale while Ke
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m still “friends with benefits” with my ex-boyfriend, even though he now has a new girlfriend—the same girl he cheated on me with for almost a year and a half. Should I tell her what the hell has been going on, since he hasn’t had the balls to be honest?
If you’re looking for revenge, go ahead. But don’t kid yourself—it sounds to me like this is a play to get him back. You might also want to consider that if he’s cheated on you, and cheated on her, he’s probably screwing a few other people, too. I mean, the bloke doesn’t exactly sound like the faithful type. My advice would be to find a new guy and move on.