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Move on. The fact is, you’re a different person now than when you were a kid, so unless your old classmates have gone into the same kind of job or whatever, it’s pointless going through the awkwardness of meeting up for a beer once every ten years. Having said that, it’s sometimes interesting to see what became of the dickheads at school. I remember this one guy: he always wore the uniform (even though you didn’t have to), always did his homework on time, always came top of everything. Meanwhile, I was the prankster, thief, and school goldfish murderer. He ended up being a bus inspector. I became a rock star. Sometimes I have a good old chuckle about that.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
As a boss, I’m struggling to deal with a worker who’s not a “team player.” Short of firing him, which seems a bit excessive, what’s the best way to manage such a difficult personality? I’m sure you have plenty of experience as the leader of a rock band.
I have a rule in my band: if there’s something you don’t like about your job, or if you’ve been offered a better gig somewhere else, all I ask is for a bit of notice before you leave. And it’s the same in reverse. So if I were you, I’d have a chat with this guy, tell him it ain’t working out, and suggest he finds a new job by the end of the year. On the other hand, if he’s doing excellent work and the only problem is that you don’t like him, I’d suggest you just deal with it, ’cos talented people are hard to find, and your employees don’t have to be your friends. If no-one else at your company likes him, either, then that’s a different matter, ’cos he’ll be affecting morale. In that case he has to go.
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Personal Skills
1. How do you say hello to close friend in Northern Mozambique?
a) Kiss them on the nose
b) Shake your fist at head level and shout, “Wooshay! Wooshay!”
c) Clap three times
2. According to the etiquette people at Debrett’s, what shouldn’t you “glance longingly” at during di
a) The best-looking person at the table
b) Your wife’s tits
c) Your iPhone
3. How many friends does the average person have on Facebook?
a) 130
b) 95
c) 260
4. What did a New Zealand bank manager do in 2006 that made him Worst Boss of the Year?
a) Ordered female tellers to show at least three inches of cleavage
b) Had his staff tied up and robbed
c) Ba
5. When the workers at a Lithuanian-owned car dealership in Atlanta, USA, asked for a raise, what did the boss do?
a) Shoot them
b) Kill himself
c) Sue them for emotional distress
The Jelly Between Your Ears
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It Ain’t Easy, Being Mental
Most of us spend more time washing the dishes than we do taking care of our mental health. It’s unbelievable, when you think about it, ’cos of all the things that can go wrong with us, “not feeling yourself” is right up there with the worst. It ain’t exactly rare, either. According to real doctors,[6] one in four people come down with some kind of major freak-out at some point in their lives. The trouble is, even today, people don’t like to talk about it. I mean, when you go to work in the morning and the boss says, “How are you?” no-one wants to go, “Oh, I’m feeling a bit mentally ill today, actually.” You’d end up in a padded room, wearing pyjamas with no fucking sleeves.
Luckily, you can always come to Dr. Ozzy for advice. I’ve been through just about everything you can imagine: depression, panic attacks, drug abuse, cries for help, alcohol abuse, obsessive compulsive disorder… you name it, man. And the one thing I’ve learned: no matter how much you don’t want to, you’ve gotta talk about it. Go to your GP. See a therapist. Confide in friends (although it’s usually better to find someone who ain’t biased). If you keep your problems bottled up instead, they’ll only get worse over time. Having said all that, if you grew up in England when I did, the whole idea of talking about anything is a fucking joke. If someone had any kind of anxiety or depression when I was a kid, it was called a “nervous breakdown”—and people only ever mentioned it in hushed voices, behind closed doors. But times have changed. Treatments have improved. And people are begi
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My friends have started to tell me that I’m way too paranoid—about my boss, my girlfriend, the government… you name it. Isn’t a bit of paranoia good for you, though?
No. Being paranoid’s a terrible way to live. For example: every so often when I get on a plane, I convince myself that it’s doomed, and that everyone’s go
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Can you finally explain why is it so bloody hard for men to cry?
It’s not that it’s hard, it’s just that we don’t particularly enjoy it. I mean, yeah, every now and again—like once a decade—a good old cry clears the air. But it ain’t something your average bloke wants to do on a regular basis, ’cos it’s exhausting. Women, on the other hand, can’t seem to get enough of it. For example: my wife insists on going to see these awful films—“slurpies,” I call ’em—where you spend the whole time feeling like your gran’s just died. I can still remember the last one I was dragged to: The Notebook. By the time the credits rolled, I was just about having a nervous breakdown—then I thought to myself, “Why am I sitting here, in darkened room, feeling all u
Hi Dr. Ozzy:
I suffer from a condition known as bipolar, which makes me impulsive and harm people when I don’t mean to. It started when my father began drinking a case of beer every night. He would get rowdy and mean and drive me to school when he was drunk. Now he’s divorcing my sweet mom. Could this be the cause of my problems?
I strongly suggest you find a good therapist. And by that I mean someone who has in-depth knowledge of bipolar—not your local GP, who’ll probably tell you to take an aspirin and sleep it off. I’m not bipolar myself, but I’ve been to the dark side more than a few occasions, and therapy has helped me a great deal over the years. It basically gives you a different view of the things you think might have caused your problems—like your old man’s drinking—’cos when you’re in the depths of a mental freak-out, you often don’t understand why, and you end up blaming it on the stuff and the people around you. In other words, you end up telling yourself that the way you see the world is the way it is… when in reality your problems could have been caused by one of many, many things. You might also need anti-depressants, or some other kind of drug, but—as strange as this might sound coming from an addict like me—I honestly believe that in your case, therapy is the best medication. Or at least it’s a good first step.
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At the World Health Organisation.