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Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I’m a man of very limited stature (5ft). Should I buy platform shoes, or will that make me look sillier?
Depends on the shoes. I ain’t short, but I used to wear these silver, glittery platform things in the 1970s, and I thought they looked the dog’s bollocks. Mind you, I was doing a lot of acid at the time. My advice to you is not to worry so much about what other people think. If you don’t mind being short, be short. And if you want to look like you’re in ABBA, go for it.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How can I get my skin to be as flawless as yours?
All I do is use a good natural cream—nothing fancy, not the two-grand-a-bottle bullshit—every morning and every night. What you’ve got to remember is that your face is out in the elements all the time, which means it has to deal with sun, dust, grime, and all other kinds of other crap. Also, as skin ages, it gets drier, so you need to blast it with as much moisture as possible. Personally I don’t bother with facials, unless Sharon has someone over the house and ropes me into it. She’s got skin creams up the fucking yin-yang—which I suppose is alright if you’re a woman. But speaking as the owner of a pair of testicles, I like to keep my daily grooming time down to the bare minimum.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I was looking at some holiday pictures recently and realised—with horror—that I have a quadruple chin. I look like a cross between my grandma and a concertina. Help!
I used to have more chins than a Chinese phone book. It’s a genetic thing with my family—we all have this balloon of fat under our jaws. When I complained to my GP about it, he told me to grow a beard, but I didn’t want a beard. So in the end I fixed it with liposuction. They stick a needle into the blubber, suck it out, and send you away with a bandage around your face, like you’ve just had the worst dentist’s appointment of your life. Luckily, I didn’t notice the pain, ’cos I was still blasted all the time in those days. It’s like I always say, if something bothers you every time you look in the mirror, and if the technology exists to sort it out—and you’ve got the dough—then do it.
It changed my life.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Plucking my eyebrows makes me sneeze—why do you think this is, and how can I stop it happening?
I have exactly the same problem. Putting on eye make-up before a gig always sends the snot flying in all directions—my green room is literally a green room. The reason it happens (so I believe) is your sinuses, which go all the way up your face to your eyebrow area. When you pluck your eyebrows you’re basically tickling them. The bad news is that the only way to stop it happening is to stop plucking. So you either have to put up with the occasional sneezing fit, or get ready to start looking like a walking hedgerow.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I was born with a pale complexion but would love to get a suntan—people with brown skin look so much healthier. What the best way to do this without resorting to tin foil?
Whatever you do, don’t go to an old-fashioned ta
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the best way to get rid of warts?
Antifreeze and fire. I don’t recommend it, though.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m in my mid-40s and stu
Personally, I’ve never had a bikini wax, and I don’t know why any bloke in his right mind would ever let another bloke anywhere near his nearest and dearest. For women, though, it’s a lot more common—and in your case, it sounds like the lawnmower treatment might not be a bad idea. Just don’t get carried away. Over in LA, some women get this thing done called “revirgination” (where they repair your hymen) while gay blokes are getting parts of their bodies bleached that should never even see the light of day. I wouldn’t recommend any of that. But a bit of hot wax might do the trick.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I recently lost a lot of weight and now I have horrendous stretch marks. How can I get rid of them?
This is the problem with losing weight as you get older: all the elasticity in your skin disappears, so you end up with a big, floppy bag of skin hanging over your arse. Either that, or you get the dreaded stretch marks. I’ve got to ask you a question, though, Michael: where are these marks? If they’re under your clothes, why do anything? Who cares? Otherwise, have a look on the Internet for all the oils and potions you can put on your skin to help get rid of the redness, or ask your doc about laser treatment. Getting yourself zapped can be very pricey, but I’m told it can be very effective.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m desperate to get some tattoos, but I’m broke, and my parents won’t help me out, because they don’t approve. Can I do them myself with a needle and some ink, like you did?
Yes, you can do it yourself, but I strongly advise you not to, ’cos all kinds of things can go wrong if you start stabbing yerself with a rusty fork. Either that, or you need to become a qualified tattoo artist. Personally, I learned while I was doing time for burglary in Winson Green prison, Birmingham: anything to make the day go by quicker. I remember one of the guys drawing a picture of The Saint on my arm with a ballpoint pen—I’d been a fan of the show since it started in 1962—then he used a sewing pin he’d nicked from the workroom and some melted grate polish (the stuff they used to clean fireplaces with) to poke in a tattoo over the top. After that, I was hooked. I once spent a whole afternoon in Sutton Park, a posh part of town, spelling out “O-Z-Z-Y” across my knuckles. Then I put a smiley face on each of my knees to cheer myself up when I was sitting on the bog in the morning. My old man wasn’t very fucking impressed, mind you. He took one look at me, shook his head, and went, “Son, you’re an idiot.”
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Being Beautiful