Wonder

“Only you have to promise me you’ll never open it until I die.”

“Whoa. Why are you talking about death now?”

The Pillar steps closer to me. He gives me that look again. “Something strange happened when I was in the future.”

“What happened?”

“I went to Carroll’s grave to get a stock of Lullaby pills from his corpse.”

“You dug him up?” I don’t like the sound of that.

“Let’s not try to be ideal heroes here. Yes, I dug him up to get the pills and save your life.”

I shrug.

“But that’s not the point,” he says. “On my way out of the cemetery, I came across a tombstone.”

“Whose?”

“Someone dear to me was buried there.”

“Fabiola?”

“That someone is very important to me. You have no idea how.”

“Me?” I say. “But it can’t be me. I was alive in the future. My kids expected to see their mum, so I was alive.”

“It’s not you, Alice,” the Pillar says.

“Who is that someone? Do I know him or her?”

The Pillar steps back, locking eyes with me. “That someone is me.”

There are no words to describe my shock. No words at all. “But…”

“Don’t, Alice,” he says. “I’m going before, or some time within the Wonderland Wars”

“Don’t say that, Pillar.” I step forward. “You will not die. We can do this. We can do this together.”

“No, we can’t. The future will always find a way.”

“But you’re wrong. Didn’t you see I saved Jack?”

“I think that’s why I’m going to die, Alice.”

“What do you mean? What does Jack have to do with this?”

“According to the terrible Guide to Wonderlastic Time Travels, time will take a life for every life you save. For every life the time traveller cheats out of time.”

I didn’t know that. “Are you saying that Jack’s life comes at a cost?”

“Yes. At the cost of another life.”

“So what? It doesn’t say it will be you.”

The Pillar shrugs. It’s one of the rare moments I’ve seen him do that. He tries to evade my eyes, but I don’t let him, locking on with his. “It has to be me, Alice.”

“Pillar?” I tilt my head, realizing I can’t lose him now. “What’s going on?”

“Time let you save the dearest person to you. In exchange, he will take the next dearest person to you.”

And with this I realize the paradox and dilemma. Now that I’ve learned what the Pillar has done for me, and even though he may have his own agenda, I know he is truly the dearest person to me after Jack.

“Time is vicious,” the Pillar says. “I thought I’d live long enough to beat him, but I was wrong.”

“Pillar,” I say. “No. We’ll find a way. We’ll…”

“Just don’t,” the Pillar says. “I’m good to go. Just keep my note. Read it only when I die.”

The Pillar starts to walk away. Even now, he is as arrogant as he’s always been. He is smiling. Caucus racing, and doesn’t give a mushroom about this world. I am out of words — and solutions.

“I think you should look for that future husband of yours,” he says, walking away and happily waving his cane in the air. “Get married after you win the Wonderland War, Alice. Have kids. Teach them how to go down the rabbit hole and beat it.”

I am standing in place, soaked in my tears.

“But I have a question,” he says. “Why name your Tiger and Lily? I thought Lewis and Carol would be neat. But then again, I’m not their father.”

The Pillar disappears from view and I stare at the note in my hand. I am staring at the Pillar’s Wonder. But I can’t open it. I promised. I can’t describe how much I love and hate this note. If I keep it closed, the Pillar lives and I never realize his Wonder. I’m afraid if I open it, I will know his Wonder, but he will be dead.

Chapter 93

THE PRESENT: PILLAR’S CELL, RADCLIFFE ASYLUM

Tom Truckle, having made a deal with the Pillar, keeps me in the Pillar VIP cell upstairs. It’s a lonely place up there in the empty ward. But it’s necessary to have everyone else think I’m still dead at this point. I understand.

The Pillar doesn’t use the cell anymore. He said he wanted to make something useful out of his days alive. When I asked where he’ll be, he said: “Where madness is a virtue.”

I can’t imagine where that would be, but he promised me he’ll have a great time.

All until next week’s monster arrives.

Now in the Pillar’s cell, Tom brings me my Tiger Lily pot from downstairs. He sets it next to me and asks me if I need anything else. I thank him and he leaves.

I spend hours and hours trying to solve a few mysteries in my head. Like why I had to kill those on the bus, where it was going, and who my future husband really is.

And and why the Pillar really helped me.  I keep the note about his Wonder with me all the time, worrying I’ll lose it. I need to find a safe place to hide it.

Sometimes Jack comes to mind, but I cry the thoughts away. And then I’m fine.

Even when I can’t stop thinking about him, I remind myself he is alive and happy. It helps, not much, but it makes me not cry.

I remember my future husband. I don’t know what to think of him. Hey, I’m too young to think of it, even if time pushes me to marry him.

But all I think about are my children. They break my heart. They mend my heart. They make me laugh. Make me cry. I know it’s a weird way to put it, but they’re the light of my life. They’re the reason I will keep on fighting, even though I won’t meet them until several years from now.

It puzzles me how time didn’t consider them my Wonder. Maybe because they didn’t happen yet.

Not that I’m really convinced by the Pillar’s explanation of my Wonder, me saving Jack, but I can live with it.

At night, I hug the Tiger Lily pot and think of my children. Then I realize I need to take care of it in a better way. I need to quench its thirst and make sure its roots are fine.

So I spend the night checking the pot.

This is when an idea comes to me. To bury the Pillar’s note in the mud in the pot. Carefully, I start digging through it with my thumb.

Instead of tucking the Pillar’s note inside, I find another note. One similar to the Pillar’s.

What’s going on? Did I do this before in the loop of time?

I dig the note up, rub away the dirt, and unfold it. It’s in handwriting that I think is mine. The words delight me. They make sense:

This is me, writing a note to me. Don’t panic. Time is a loop we’ll never understand. Just read the note:

A little lower it says:

You’re alive because you found your Wonder. Which isn’t Jack. Your Wonder is YOU, Alice. Beating the evil inside.

My heart flutters with a mix of euphoric emotions. I even hug the thin note. I am fine with the Wonder being mine, although I’m oblivious to how and when I wrote this message.

It doesn’t matter.

I beat the evil me. I beat my recklessness, my anger, and my weakness to Black Chess. My name is Alice Wonder, and I save lives.

Epilogue Part One

ST ALDATES STREET, OXFORD

Two days later, I’m discreetly walking near Oxford University. It’s heavily raining again. I’m hiding underneath my hood so no one knows I’m alive. My hood is grey, the color of rain. The color of invisibility. In order to make the Bad Alice disappear, the Good One has to vanish as well.

It sucks being invisible. It sucks not having friends. It’s been only three days and I feel as lonely as the homeless man on the corner of the Alice Shop I’m passing by.

All I can think about is the Wonderland Monster who is supposed to arrive in a few days. I wonder what I did to him in the past – I wonder what the Bad Alice did to him.

It’s almost impossible to keep saving lives, knowing who I really was and how many people I hurt. This isn’t so much about doing good anymore. It’s more like repenting and giving back to the people I hurt in the past.