Cockeyed

“Probably. Her life at Golden Gardens was apparently calm and uneventful until the state dropped a billion big ones in Hu

“The news at six said Hu

“Yeah, something like thirty or forty people are going to receive a million each. Though Hu

“Cha

“Yes, Hu

CoCkeyed 105

“Good for him. Podiatrists?”

It was ten o’clock, and I turned up the sound on the kitchen TV. Timmy was on a stool enjoying a late-evening snack of raisin bran with skim milk, and I had made a pot of strong coffee for myself.

A lurid bReAking news graphic flashed on the screen, and then the trumpet-accompanied a

“Good evening, my fellow Americans…”

Timmy said, “My fellow Americans? What is he, the president?

Good grief.”

“Welcome to my special investigative report on corruption at the New York State Lottery.” Staring gimlet-eyed into the camera, O’Malley fulminated for several minutes on the immorality and illegality of the Lottery Commission’s refusal to withhold wi

“However,” O’Malley went on, “government tolerance is one thing and government participation in the radical homosexual agenda is not something any good American is willing to put up with.”

“I wonder,” Timmy said, “if O’Malley thinks the dMv is advancing gay rights by issuing us driver’s licenses. God.”

“Shh.”

106 Richard Stevenson

It was hard to imagine Hu

“the dollars of tax-paying Christians must never be used to support immorality.”

Timmy said, “Taxes don’t support the lottery. Gamblers do.

Most of them Christians, I’d be willing to wager.”

“You should write O’Malley and demand a correction.”

“I might.”

Reverend Kalafut went on about suing the Lottery Commission, and gave a post office box where viewers could send donations to help cover fPAAC‘s legal expenses. Throughout the interview, O’Malley nodded sympathetically. He then thanked the reverend for “standing up for American family values” and wished him good luck with his lawsuit, which was

“the Lord’s own work.” O’Malley told viewers he would be back after a commercial break, and then an ad came on for erectile dysfunction pills.

“At least,” Timmy said, “by agreeing to participate in this horror show Hu

“Let’s hope that’s the way it goes.”

After a minute and a half, O’Malley reappeared, Old Glory waving next to each of his ears, and introduced Hu

Slouching in his seat in an ill-fitting jacket and some kind of hand-painted necktie, Hu

“Huntington Van Horn,” O’Malley intoned, “is the first wi

of the New York State Lottery’s Instant Warren drawing. Mr. Van Horn took home a check for a staggering one billion dollars last Friday when he appeared on another network to collect his huge check. Not content to simply say how fortunate he was, however, Mr. Van Horn, an advocate for gay rights, so-called, accepted his wi

Hu

That…that Trinkus woman who works for you said…Trinkus said I could a

“Yes, we’ll get to the so-called disappearance,” O’Malley said, arching an eyebrow at the Matt Lauer reference but otherwise charging by it. “Mr. Van Horn’s mother has perhaps been misplaced by the Golden Gardens home for the elderly in East Greenbush, New York, an institution that state nursing home regulators need to take a close look at. I’ll be doing an investigation of state regulators and their failings at a later date.

There is also a good possibility that your mother’s disappearance, so-called, could be a hoax co

But right now, Mr. Van Horn, I have another photograph that I’d like you and viewers to take a close look at. Just look over there at the monitor.”

Hu

“Well, of course I do,” Hu

Cheney, the lesbian daughter of the former vice president and notorious war criminal Dick Cheney.”

“Absolutely incorrect,” we heard O’Malley say. Then the picture changed to the Marylou Whitney who was Hu

“And do you recognize this person, Mr. Van Horn?”

“That rectal vision,” Hu

reck-a-nize Mrs. Whitney because she is a very dear friend of mine. Marylou was telling me just this afternoon how happy she is that now I am even richer than she is. Isn’t that a hoot? How d’ya like them apples, Bill O’Malley?” Hu