Cockeyed

“Insipid? Donald, do you think our life is insipid?”

“No, I like it. It’s nice. It’s comfortable. I wouldn’t have it any 56 Richard Stevenson

other way.”

“Then what are you saying? Would our lives — and the lives of our gay friends who are like us — be improved if we were all more like Hu

“No. But you know I like to quote Ogden Nash. ‘Home is heaven, and orgies are vile, but I like an orgy once in a while.’

You’ve even been known to quote him yourself in recent years.

If not in Albany, then certainly from time to time on vacation in Thailand.”

He pretended to bristle, then laughed. “Of course we all have a streak of Hu

“Me too. Except I’m kind of embarrassed to be embarrassed.”

“Yes, you would be. I’d like to be. But I can’t. I’m just embarrassed.”

“The TU story doesn’t mention any gay groups in Albany or elsewhere coming to Hu

“With his billion dollars,” Timmy said, “Hu

“Me, and he’s getting a lawyer to deal with the DeCarlo lawsuit. Plus, we agreed that after last night’s paintball episode he should hire some private security people for his house. I put him in touch with Gray Security, and they should have some people over there by now.”

“You said it was unclear who the paint shooter this morning was trying to hit. Only the TV people and the Marylou Whitney impersonator were on the front steps at the time. But isn’t it possible that somebody who hates Hu

potshots at the house, and they didn’t care who they hit? They just wanted to frighten Hu

“That’s what it looks like. And maybe with a little luck, humiliate a few fags. Not knowing that the Bill O’Malley people were in the line of fire.”

“I am guessing that we haven’t heard the last of Focks News.

I’m sure O’Malley will call for the death penalty.”

“This is a job for the Albany PD, and all the indications are they’ll take it seriously. They know that paint is only paint, but those war-game pellets can do real harm to people who aren’t wearing vests and goggles. What happened last night was assault, and the cops I met seem prepared to treat it that way.”

“Wouldn’t it be interesting,” Timmy said, “if the paintball attack could be traced back to one of the Family Preservation people. fPAAC is up to its eyebrows in local conservative wing-nuts — tea-baggers, birthers, deathers and other types of Obama haters.”

“Except, when Second Amendment crazies lose control, they tend not to just shoot paint. They go in with real Uzis and go down in a blaze of glory taking as many people with them as they can. This thing feels more like a homophobic out-of-control loony or drunk.”

“So, Donald, what exactly is your role at this point? The police will investigate the paint attack and the security people will protect Hu

“There are still a few of Hu

“By short-term, I suppose you mean ranging from several hours down to ten minutes.”

“Yes, speed dating seems to be one of Hu

“And these Briening people. Surely you can be helpful dealing with them. You’ve dealt with extortionists before — though none 58 Richard Stevenson

that I can recall who were quite as grandiose in their expectations as the Brienings.”

“I’m trying to figure out whether the Brienings’ delusional venality will be an advantage or a disadvantage. Lack of rationality is generally an obstacle in situations like this, but these people are so off the wall that I may mau-mau them and they’ll just go poof.

Anyway, I should soon get an inkling as to what I am dealing with. I’m going to drive out to Cobleskill this afternoon.”

Something somebody was saying on Meet the Press caught Timmy’s attention, and then my cell phone went off.

“Strachey.”

“Don, I need your help,” Hu

Gone? “Hu

“No, she’s just not here. And nobody knows where Mom went. ”

I said I’d be there in ten minutes.

§ § § § §

“They say they’re going to have to notify the police,” Hu

I’m thinking maybe they shouldn’t wait. I mean, they found her wheelchair by the front door, for heaven’s sake. It sounds like she somehow just left. Got out the door and wandered away somewhere.”

“There’s a receptionist,” I pointed out. “Or isn’t she always at her desk?”

Art said, “We’ve come in here when she’s back out of sight in the office, catching some zees, or trimming her nose hairs, or whatever.”

“Mom rides around in that chair — she calls it her taxi to nowhere — but she can walk in her slow, rickety way. There was nothing to prevent her from strolling right out the door and —

CoCkeyed 59

what? Hitching a ride to almost anyplace.”

“The other doors are alarmed,” Art said, “but not the front.”

“What was she wearing when she was last seen?”

“Just her bathrobe and slippers. Mom has been meticulous about her appearance all her life. Or she was until recently. She might not have been aware that she was dressed somewhat inappropriately for appearing in public.”

I was standing and Hu

“I talked to Mom yesterday afternoon,” Hu

Art said, “Hu

“Was yesterday afternoon the last time you spoke to your mother?” I asked.

“Not long after I got home from your office.”

“And she sounded normal?”

“Normal? Well, normal for Mom in the past couple of years is not exactly what Dr. Joyce Brothers would call normal.

60 Richard Stevenson

Sometimes she’s her good old self. Other times she forgets things and people. And she gets frustrated and mad. A couple of weeks ago one of the nurses told me that Mom had thrown her Depends at an aide and told people to stop treating her like a baby. I asked her about this, but she said she didn’t remember doing it, and we both had a good laugh over that one.”