Four Week Fiance

Chapter Fifteen

Mila

The beat of my heart was in perfect symmetry to the sound of the beat of the drum on the radio. I stood there, standing in my room, in the darkness and pressed my hands together. A small cry fell from my lips as TJ’s face passed through my mind. I closed my eyes to try and banish his face from my thoughts, but that didn’t help. I could only see it bigger, brighter, clearer. I opened my eyes again and walked to my bed slowly. I collapsed down onto the sheets, praying that sleep would take me right away, but of course I wasn’t to be so lucky. Emptiness filled me. My heart felt hollow like the inside of the huge conch shell No

***

"I don't think I have a heart anymore. I can't feel it beating. I can't hear it ticking. I think it's left my body." I sobbed to Sally as she sat on my bed and held me. "I don't think I'm going to be okay ever again. I can barely breathe. I can't think. I just want to die."

"Oh Mila. It's okay. It's going to be okay."

"It's not going to be okay." I cried, my stomach feeling more empty than it ever had. I looked up at her bleakly. "I feel like I mean nothing. I'm nothing. I'm invisible."

"You're not invisible."

"And yet I am. I don't matter."

"You do matter, Mila, you're scaring me."

"I'm sorry, I don't even know what to say. I lost No

"TJ didn't mean..."

"I can't even hear his name." I sobbed. "I can't even think about him without the pain burning me up inside. I hate him so much. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. "

"Oh Mila."

"I'm not waiting for him. I'm not crying for him. I'm not thinking of him. I don't love him. I don't love him." Then the tears started streaming even more. "Oh God, I love him so much it hurts."

“Call him, Mila.” Sally looked down at me with a worried expression. “Call him and let him know how you feel.”

“I don’t know how I feel.”

“Just speak to him.”

“Okay.” I nodded finally and grabbed my phone and waited for him to answer.

“Mila?” He asked hopefully and for a second my heart beat just a little bit faster as I heard his voice. Then I quickly banished my momentary happiness.

"We could have had it all." I said not saying anything else.

"Or we could have had nothing." TJ's voice was sad.

"I loved you."

"Loved? I thought love never died."

"It died."

"So then, maybe it wasn't love."

"You're an ass."

"I'm just saying how it is. If you loved me, past tense, then maybe it wasn't really love."

"Yeah, maybe it wasn't."

"Just lust."

"You wish."

"Infatuation then."

"Yeah, that's it."

"Obsession."

"I'm not obsessed."

"Maybe I was."

"You were?"

"Maybe."

"I see."

"Maybe it hurt too much."

"Being obsessed hurt?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"Being in love." His words were soft now.

"With yourself?"

"No. With someone where the thought of ever having to say goodbye was too hard to handle."

"I see."

"Do you?"

"No."

"Maybe some part of me just knew."

"Knew what?" I was a

"It doesn't matter." He shook his head.

"Okay." I said and turned away, then looked towards Sally and smiled brightly. "I think I'm going to go now. I've things to do." My heart thudded painfully, but I didn't want him to know just how badly he'd hurt me.

"It doesn't die." He said softly, his voice tinged with a light of desperation and sadness.

"What doesn't die?"

"Love. If you had really loved me, it wouldn't have died." He paused and I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity before turning back to the phone. “I wanted to tell you about No

Chapter Sixteen

TJ

Dear TJ,

Do you remember the day that you asked me to never forget you? A simple request. I didn't think much of it. We were young then. "Never forget me you said", your eyes bright and hopeful. "Of course, I'd never forget you," I said, as I giggled. I've never imagined a time when you wouldn't be in my mind. How could I forget the boy that meant so much to me? This was even before I knew what that feeling was. How could I ever forget the man whose smiles and frowns turned my heart upside down? I thought I'd go to my grave waiting for you, if that was how long it took, such was my love.

I gave up today. The pain is too much. My heart is too sore. I can't wait anymore. I don't want to keep falling falling falling into your abyss of a soul. I don't want to remember you. I don't want to see your smiles for anyone, but me. It drives me crazy, wanting you so badly, but not being able to tell you, not being able to love you. I never imagined a longing so cutting, an aching so unfamiliar. I never knew what it was to feel brokeninpieces. When you look into my eyes and smile, it still lights up my heart. It still makes me feel like I'm special. How I wish that were true.