Four Week Fiance

“Oh No

“So tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Sometimes I think he could love me,” I said, my voice echoing all the hope in my heart. “Sometimes he looks at me with a light in his eyes that makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world, but then...” My voice trailed off as I looked out at the ocean and watched the waves crashing into the rocks, close to the pier. I felt too sad and too tired to continue. Even talking about the situation had the ability to make me feel empty inside.

“But then what?” No

“But then, I think I’ve imagined it,” I said softly. “The moment disappears. The tenderness in his gaze, the lift in his lips, the knowing look in his eyes. It just fades. And then it’s as if I’m looking into the soul of a stranger.”

“You’re being too dramatic, Mila,” No

“I’m not being dramatic.” I turned to him. “I’m being realistic. I’m being safe. No

“Maybe he does know,” No

“I know his dad is cold. I know his mom died when he was young. He never talks about it. I mean, can that still be affecting him?”

“Mila, of course that would still be affecting him. He’s human. He was young when his mom died, remember that. Still a kid. These things have a way of staying with you for a long, long time. TJ’s a good man.”

“I know he’s a good man.” I sighed and bit down on my lower lip. “I know there’s something inside of him that’s broken. Sometimes I can see it in his eyes. Sometimes when I look at him, there’s a sadness there, a sadness that makes me just want to reach out and hold him. Sometimes he looks at me like he has something he wants to say, something deep, and we just stare at each other and I wait to see what he’s going to say, but then it’s like his brain shuts down and he makes a joke.”

“That’s a preservation mechanism. He’s probably not comfortable with expressing his feelings. He didn’t grow up with a family like yours, Mila. You have to give him time. Reach him in ways that don’t make him feel uncomfortable.”

“I just want to know that he feels something. I just want to know that he knows that what we have is special. I want him to just give me one iota of what I’m giving him. I just want him to feel an ounce of the love for me that I feel for him. I want him to love me.”

“And he will.” No

“Not when he finds out.” My voice was so soft that I wasn’t even sure that No

“What did you do, Mila?” No

“It’s hard to admit.” I sighed. “I was so immature, so jealous, but I didn’t really know what I was doing at the time.”

“What did you do, Mila?”

“When Cody and TJ were in college, Sally and I went up for a weekend to stay with them in the apartment they were sharing. I think it was their senior year and Mom and Dad trusted them enough to show us around the campus. So anyway, it was a Saturday night and they left us in the apartment because they wanted to go to a frat party. They said we could just watch a movie, which is what we did. It was about ten p.m, Sally was on the phone with some pizza delivery place and there was a knock on the door.” I took a deep breath, my face going red as I remembered that night vividly and I could feel myself heating up in shame.

“Continue,” No

“So there was a knock on the door and there was this girl standing there.” I spoke slowly, remembering the look on her face. She’d been worried and scared, her face pale as she stood there awkwardly. I’d known right away that something was wrong—call it female intuition or something. I looked at No

“Go on, mi cara.”

“She asked for TJ.” I chewed on my lower lip. “I asked her why. She started to cry so I told her to come in.” I took a deep breath. “No

“Okay.” No

“I asked her how sure she was that TJ was the father. I asked her what she wanted. I told her that TJ and I were in a serious relationship. I told her that I wasn’t sure we could handle the fact that she might be having his baby.”

“Oh Mila.”

“And then I told her to leave.” Tears filled my eyes. “I told her she couldn’t wait for TJ. I don’t know why I did that, No

“So she just left?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

“And I’m assuming you never told TJ.”

“Nope.” I shook my head. “When he got home that night, I was still too embarrassed, and selfishly I was hoping that he’d notice me, tell me he wanted to be with me or something.”

“Oh Mila.” No

“I know,” I said. “And then the next day, I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I didn’t know how to bring it up. I mean, I tried several times, but it just didn’t seem right. There was never a perfect moment. I didn’t want him to think badly of me, No

“You need to tell him, Mila. Nothing can continue, good or bad, if you’re not honest with him.”