Lovestrong

“You could have−”

“Don’t even say it, Aria

“Spike,” she huffs. I know she’s frustrated with me. I’m frustrated with me. But I’ve made this decision feeling certain that it’s the right one for Lottie.

“It’s not up for discussion. She’s free to live her life now, and when she chooses, she will have a man that can be a man for her. She will find someone that can treat her how she deserves to be treated.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince, but maybe if I repeat this in my head, it will eventually become easier.

“What if someone treats her like dirt?” Ari challenges.

“Then I’ll find that person and make them wish that they were never born.”

“She’s leaving for London, Spike. London!” She flings her arms wildly in front of her, and I feel her frustration. I can only assume Lottie chose to go to London as it was far away from me. I hate the fact that I made her feel like she had to fly across the world to be free of me, but I had no choice but to push her away.

“Don’t you think I know that, Ari? Don’t you think it’s going to kill me not to see her beautiful face every day? Not to hear her voice … Fuck me. I love her, I fucking love her more than life itself. Which is why I have to let her go. She deserves more than I can give her and I’m no use to her like this.” The words pour out of me. It’s the first time I’ve let anyone have a glimpse into how I’m feeling. Ari comes to stand behind the wheelchair and wraps her arms tightly around me, resting her chin on my shoulder.

“I love you, Spike. You’re wrong about not being enough for her. I wish you could see it.” Her quiet voice sounds heavy, weighted with sadness and tragedy.

“I don’t expect you to understand, Ari.” I shake my head gently.

“I know. But I’m trying to,” she says before kissing me on the cheek and releasing her monkey grip.

“My brother got lucky when he met you.” I reach back and place my hand on hers which is still on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’ve made him happy.”

One door closes and another one opens. What if his happiness was dependent on someone else’s misery? What if this is the way the world balances things out? I push those philosophical thoughts away, scolding myself for delving so deep. I never used to be so cynical, but life has a way of testing your strength by showing you your weaknesses. I’ve only ever had two weaknesses. My family and Lottie.

“Okay. I have some things I need to get done. Do you need me for anything?” Ari asks.

“Where is she staying?” I question. I was too absorbed in my thoughts of Lottie leaving that I never thought to ask where exactly she’s going.

“What?” Ari asks, confused.

“Lottie. Where is she staying when she gets to London?” She looks at the ground guiltily and my heart lurches. “Ari, tell me.”

“She didn’t have it figured out. She has a room at the hotel next to the airport for the first day, and then she was going to go in to the city. She wanted to travel freely.” She shrugs and flings her arms out. Lottie would have been adamant at this and I know she wouldn’t have let Aria

“That fucking girl is so stubborn,” I grate out through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, you know exactly what she’s like.” She smirks a little, and I shake my head.

“Yeah. I do.” The silence stretches between us as thoughts work overtime in my head. I contemplate calling Lottie and berating her for worrying everyone with her desire to be free, but I can hardly be so hypocritical after the worry I’ve caused everyone over the last couple of months.

“Okay, I gotta go. I’m sure Denham will be in to see you later after your therapist has been here. You good?”

“Yeah,” I answer, musing to myself exactly how stubborn Lottie really is. “Ari?”

“Yeah,” she answers as she’s just about to open the door to leave.

“I’m sorry for biting your head off.” I offer a small smile and she takes it, giving me one right back.

I clear up the kitchen as best as I can, then make a start on some paperwork that is long overdue. Eight weeks of correspondence, untouched and unwanted, but I can’t ignore it forever. No matter how hard I try, I can’t focus on anything. My movements are still limited with the back brace I have to wear day and night, and I’m secured to the wheelchair in case I slip forward or fall out.

Fall out of a fucking wheelchair. I shake my head at that thought.

Fuck my life and this shitty existence.

Despite the millions of things ru

Feeling happier that I’ve done something to quell my rising fear of Lottie’s safety, I try and figure out how to get her to accept the help. I know she won’t do it if it comes from me so I need Ari to help me out. I grab my cell to call Ari to come over, which I then realize is unfair and just plain lazy. I can go across the hall to them. Sounds simple. But I haven’t left this apartment on my own since I came back here two weeks ago. Denham has driven me to the hospital for a couple of medical appointments but the panic overcame me both times. Leaving the safety of the apartment and going out in to the open caused me more stress and anxiety than I ever thought I could experience. People everywhere. Noise so insistent and invasive that I thought it was going to send me over the edge. It felt like everyone was looking at me, staring at the cripple. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The mere sound of a revved engine or an approaching car sent me in to a tailspin. The air was stolen from my lungs. My vision tu

But I want to do this one thing, for Lottie. So I take a deep breath and wheel my chair to the door. Step by step. I can do this. It’s just across the hall. What’s the worst that can happen?

I force myself to open the door. It’s nothing I haven’t done before, but I fix my eyes down the hall at Denham and Aria

Shit. Not my girl anymore, but I have to do this for her nonetheless.