The Cheerleaders of Doom

The gap-toothed boy nodded. “Of course we are. The world gives us wedgies and purple-murples, but when it comes to saving the human race, they always turn to the nerds.”

The hours it took assembling the atomic harpoon were the hardest of Screwball’s life. Not only did he have to be on his best behavior, putting aside his plots for chaos and destruction, but he had to smile … a lot. He gri

“When we step through the bridge device into the other Earth, we’ll send you a signal,” Screwball said, barely containing his glee. “Once you get it, let five seconds pass and then turn on your harpoon. The beams will reel us back into our proper place. When ten minutes are up, the harpoons should have done their job and Gerdie and I will jump back into this world.”

“And we’ll destroy your inventions once and for all,” Pufferfish said.

“Sure, sure. Just don’t tamper with any of the buttons,” Heathcliff said. “They’re very sensitive, and if you mess with them, I could be stuck in some parallel world forever.”

“We’ll avoid the temptation,” Jackson said.

“All right, so who wants to save the universe?” Duncan said. “Gerdie, if you would be so kind.”

“I’ve programmed the bridge device to find a world similar to this one,” Heathcliff said, tapping some buttons on the machine Gerdie wore on her wrist. “I think we can all agree that the last thing we need is to end up on a planet full of talking bugs, or worse.”

Heathcliff watched Gerdie press the activation button. He had never actually seen the bridge device in action. It was quite glorious to experience its raw power. The ball of lightning grew and grew, as did his pride. He was truly of a superior intellect—if only he had time to reflect on his genius! But he had to get about the business at hand. He hefted one of the two atomic harpoons onto his back and turned to his former teammates.

“Remember, wait for the signal!” he shouted over the noise. Then he and Gerdie stepped through the portal.

There was a flash, and when his eyes adjusted he could see they had entered a Playground that was identical to the one on their own Earth. Everything, from the tiles on the ceiling to the scientists’ workspaces, was exactly the same.

“It’s just like ours,” Gerdie said.

“So it seems,” Heathcliff replied as he set the atomic harpoon on the floor right in front of the portal. The machine was shaped like a gigantic telescope pointing back into their world. Gerdie joined him in pushing buttons and calibrated sensors. Soon the harpoon was ready to do its job.

“Send the signal!” he shouted, but what he was thinking was, “You are a fool!” Still, with his plan’s success only moments away, he held his tongue.

Gerdie, none the wiser, pushed the transmission button, counted to five, and then pushed the activation button. The machine began to hum and glow as radiation blasted into the gaping white hole in space.

“It’s working!” Gerdie said. “Now all we have to do is wait ten minutes and step back through.”

Heathcliff hated when people stated the obvious. What would she declare next? The sky is blue? Water is wet? Screwball was dangerously handsome? Duh! Why was he always surrounded by simpletons? At least his troubles would soon be over.

While Gerdie watched the amazing machine, he took his chance. He ran toward the upgrade room. As he had hoped, it was identical to the one on his Earth. He pushed a button on the podium in the center of the room and said, “I want my upgrades.”

That was when Gerdie appeared in the doorway.

“You’re here to get your teeth,” Gerdie gasped. “This whole thing—giving me the number for the equation, getting the team to give me back my upgrades, building these machines and risking the world—it’s all for your stupid teeth!”

“The teeth are not stupid!” Heathcliff screamed. “They give me power. They make me special. They are the key to my destiny.”

“You said you wanted to change the world for the better, but you don’t care about the world. You nearly destroyed it!”Gerdie said.

“Oh, Mathlete, for once you are not using your brain. I have no intention of causing the multiverse to end in a multi-car pileup on the freeway. How will I be able to rule it all if it’s been destroyed?”

“Where are this world’s NERDS?” she asked. “They have to stop you.”

“I carefully sca

Then the door to the upgrade room slammed shut, locking Gerdie out.

A slab rose out of the floor behind Heathcliff. Straps wrapped around his hands and feet. Then he was tilted upward so that he was parallel with the floor.

“Sca

“That’s right,” Heathcliff said, laughing his maniacal laugh. “I want my big, beautiful, hypnotic teeth back.”

Suddenly, everything stopped. “Weakness detected.”

“What?” Heathcliff said. “What weakness?”

“Sca

“No, forget the other weakness! I want the teeth,” he cried, but the cold, emotionless machine did not respond.

“Subject has elevated intelligence.”

“Huh? Oh yeah. I’m a genius. That’s not weakness!”

“Subject’s head is not big enough for his potential. Size of brain and skull prevent him from reaching maximum intellect. Preparing upgrades.”

“Wait!” Heathcliff cried. He tried to pull himself free of the bindings, but he was tied tight. When the tubes came down and the injections began, there was nothing he could do to stop them. He screamed for Gerdie, but she was locked out of the room.

“Just relax,” the computer said.

When Pufferfish and Gluestick a

“I think you can call it a day, Wheezer,” the librarian said.

“Are you sure you don’t need me? I was hoping I might get to slug Heathcliff a couple times when he got back—you know, just to teach him a lesson.”

“Maybe some other time. Alexander told me he was proud of you,” Ms. Holiday said.

Matilda couldn’t help but smile. Brand wasn’t big on compliments.

“You’re having a good effect on him, Ms. Holiday,” she said.

Ms. Holiday blushed. “Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Matilda scooped up her cheerleading duffel bag and walked home. Once there, she quietly snuck inside to avoid her brothers, who would surely ridicule her skirt. She crept down the hall and into her room. Inside, she took off her cheerleading outfit, collected her makeup, hair ribbons, and pom-poms, and tossed them into the trash.

She took a shower to wash out all the hair product and the layers of mascara from her eyes. When she was completely free of foundation and lip-liner, she slipped into her robe and went to her closet to get dressed. Inside she found her favorite baggy black shirt and her combat boots. She put them on and finally felt like herself.

There was a knock at the door, and when she opened it she saw her mother and father standing there.

“What are you doing back here?” Ben asked. “The junior finals are in half an hour.”

Matilda blushed. “I quit.”

“You quit? Why?” Ben asked.

“It was stupid, Dad. I’m not a cheerleader. I didn’t fit in.”

“We’re very disappointed,” Molly said. “We didn’t raise you to be a quitter.”