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“Sorry, Choppers,” Matilda said.
“Wrong!”
“Right, so what was it? Oh yeah—Simon.”
He snarled. “I’ve cast off that name as well for a more appropriate moniker. You may call me Screwball! Isn’t that hilarious? You see! I’m in a mental hospital for the criminally insane. I’m completely cuckoo! You get it, right? Right?”
“I don’t care if you call yourself John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!” Matilda said. “Tell me what you’ve done!”
Screwball took a deep breath and sat back down. “Wheezer, relax. If I have learned anything from my stay in here it’s that you need to just chill out.”
“Every second we sit in here the bridge device is making things worse outside,” she said.
“But you’ve got it all wrong, agent. Gerdie’s machine doesn’t build a bridge to other worlds. It pushes the worlds apart. That’s what’s causing all the troubles.”
“Can everyone in the world just for one moment pretend that I am not a supergenius,” Matilda said, slamming her fist on the table.
“Touchy, touchy. By now I’m sure you’ve heard that there are billions, maybe even trillions, of Earths that exist in their own dimensions. What you probably don’t know is that all these Earths exist in the exact same place in those dimensions. It’s called the universal constant—Earth’s location is the only place that is the same in every dimension. When Gerdie turns on her machine, it shoves the Earths around, knocking them out of the constant, and when that happens it stretches the multiverse and sometimes even tears it, creating a hole from our world to another. That’s what’s causing all the crazy phenomena, Wheezer. Her machine is making Swiss cheese out of our dimension.”
“So if we find the machine and never turn it on again, everything will go back to normal?” Matilda asked.
“Nope,” Screwball said, he smiled behind his mask. “The first time Gerdie turned on her machine, she pushed our world hopelessly out of alignment. It’s floating outside the constant. The more times she uses it, the worse it gets, but even if you never turned it on again, the holes would still be there. In fact, they’ll probably just get bigger.”
Matilda was silent. He could see her trying to understand what he had said.
“Which will destroy the world,” he added helpfully.
“Yeah, I kind of figured that out,” Matilda said. “How do we stop this?”
Screwball rubbed his hands together eagerly. His scheme was working exactly as pla
“Yeah, right!” Matilda cried. “I’m not letting your crazy behind out of here. You’ll just try to take over the world again.”
“Matilda! I am shocked. Can’t you see I’m a changed person?”
Matilda eyed him disapprovingly.
Screwball laughed. “OK, fine. Busted! But I’m your only hope. I can build a machine that will put our universe back where it belongs. It’s your choice.”
Matilda tapped her nose to activate her comlink. “Have you been listening?”
Screwball watched her, listening to what he guessed was a lively argument.
“He can’t be trusted!” she said, then frowned. She tapped her nose once more to turn off the communication device.
“We have a deal,” she said. “You’ll be under twenty-four-hour surveillance and in the custody of the team. You will get to work on this new machine, but know this—if you try to pull any shenanigans, I will drop you in a volcano.”
“I consider myself warned,” he said, though he couldn’t help but grin. His plan was working—but then again, he was a genius. Of course it was working! “Oh, and Matilda, I do have a few demands. Nothing a secret society of spies should have a problem acquiring …”
Attention, Lesser Beings,
It has come to my attention that you require my help. Let me start by saying … Ha!
I knew this day would come. Double ha!
But there will be enough time to gloat later (trust me, it will occur). There is work to be done! To get started, I have compiled this list of demands. I’ve taken the liberty of putting them into two categories: Deal Breakers and Wish List. As you can imagine, Deal Breakers are must-haves; the others I would enjoy, and obtaining them would go a long way toward your continued survival when I inevitably take over this planet.
Deal Breakers
1. I want to be released from this hospital.
2. I want my goon to accompany me. Please call his service and inform him that his presence is required.
3. I want all my enemies to be destroyed.
Wish List
1. I tire of kittens. Find a place to put them and never let me see one again!
2. I want a lifetime supply of the delicious candy treat called Circus Peanuts. All of the people who think they are gross should be pushed into the ocean so I never have to see someone give me that look of revulsion when I sit and idly eat an entire sack of them.
3. I want my driver’s license, and yes, I know I am only eleven, but I still want it.
4. I want to be able to carry a bazooka with me wherever I go.
5. I want someone to carry the bazooka for me when it gets heavy.
6. It would be totally awesome of you to give me back my upgrades so I can take over the world;) Just kidding!
7. I want a major city in this country to change its name to Screwball City and this major city ca
8. When I went rogue, my parents’ memory of me was erased. I want them to remember who I am.
Your lord and (inevitable) master, Screwball
Official Note: After careful review, most of Screwball’s requests were denied. We recommend close supervision of Mr. Hodges—anyone who likes those icky Circus Peanut candies ca
An hour later Screwball was taken out of the hospital. Unfortunately, he had missed lunch—and it was taco day.
“If I am going to save the world, the very least you can do is feed me,” Screwball said as he was led in chains through the halls of Nathan Hale Elementary. Of course he knew he was a prisoner and responsible for the calamity that threatened to tear apart the universe, but would it have killed them to go through a drive-through or something?
“The cafeteria’s closed, bub,” the lunch lady said. The big brawny brute was escorting him, along with Pufferfish, Braceface, Flinch, Wheezer, Gluestick, and his goon.
“I will have tacos!” he pouted. “Pizza! A hot dog! I must feed my body and mind!”
“Kid, if you don’t calm down, I’m going to feed you this chain,” the lunch lady growled.
At once, the goon stepped forward and the two men shot each other deadly stares.
“You feeling froggy, pal?” the lunch lady said. “Why don’t you take a leap?”
The goon flashed his hooked hand.
“Am I supposed to be afraid? What are you going to do, open a can of SpaghettiOs on me?” the lunch lady asked.
“Calm down, my friend,” Screwball said to the goon.
“Listen to Nutball,” the lunch lady said.
“It’s Screwball!”
“Does it matter?” the lunch lady argued. “Tell your paid monkey not to be fooled by the dress. I got a right hook that feels like a hammer.”
“Let’s just get these two into the Playground, please,” Pufferfish said. “My feet are swelling up. Something dangerous is about to happen.”
“What do you think is causing it?” Braceface said.
“I think it’s radiation!” Pufferfish said. “I felt it when we met those talking dogs, and it’s all over Wheezer.”
“So, I’m radioactive?” Wheezer said. “Great! Couldn’t that be what you’re reacting to?”
Pufferfish shook her head. “Nope. This is bigger.”
“Graggghhh?” Flinch said, then turned the knob on his harness to calm himself. “Do you think it’s one of those tears?”