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“We don’t know what she looks like?” Pufferfish asked.
“No one knows what she looks like. Not even her mother and sisters—as you know, she ran away from home.”
Matilda rolled her eyes. Why would someone have surgery to change their appearance? She liked how she looked, and who cared what other people thought of it?
“Let me get this straight,” Jackson said. “We’re searching for someone who has been trained as a spy. We have no idea what she looks like. If we find her, she has a machine that lets her escape into other worlds.”
Brand nodded.
“Grubblin-oogh!” Flinch said, pounding on his chest. The sugar from the candy was coursing through him.
“We do think we have a lead,” Brand said. “The National Cheerleading Association is hosting several week-long camps for its elite performers that end with a national competition here in D.C. We believe Gerdie has tried out and made one of the junior teams and is now practicing at one of the camps. Based on more strange electrical activity, we think we know which camp.”
“The bad guy is a cheerleader?” Jackson asked.
“Aren’t they all?” Matilda said. “I hate cheerleaders with their stupid skirts and phony smiles. I don’t know how anybody could have such little self-respect to cheer for a bunch of muscle-heads throwing a ball around. Well, I’m going to enjoy this mission! We go to the camp, figure out which one is Gerdie, then lay the smackdown on her! Better yet, we lay the smackdown on the entire squad until one of them confesses, and I get to try out a few new submission holds. Everyone wins!”
Brand shook his head. “There will be no laying of the smack. We’re thinking something subtler than a steel-cage match. One of you is going undercover. The rest will act as information and tactical support.”
“Awesome! I always wanted to go undercover. I finally get to be James Bond,” Jackson said.
“Not you, Jackson.”
“What?? I’m perfect for this! I’m the most charming, I wear clothes that fit—”
“Unless you want to wear a skirt and a wig, I don’t think this job is right for you,” Ms. Holiday said.
The lunch lady overheard as he passed through the lab and grunted angrily.
“This camp is girls-only. The perfect agent for this assignment is Matilda,” Agent Brand said.
“Me?”
“Yes. You’re going to become a competitive cheerleader.”
Matilda stared at Brand and Holiday like they were speaking a different language.
“I can’t be a cheerleader!” Matilda cried. “Didn’t you just hear me? I hate cheerleaders! Besides, if you haven’t noticed, I’m nothing like a cheerleader. They have to be nice and friendly and full of positive energy. I have season tickets to the monster truck rally. I arm-wrestle college students for money every Saturday in the park. I spend my free time analyzing Ultimate Fighting. I’m not cheerleader material.”
“Plus, she’s a spaz,” Jackson said.
Matilda reached for Jackson and put him in a headlock. He struggled but could not free himself. “See what I just did? Do cheerleaders put their friends into choke holds?”
“Agent Wheezer!” Brand bellowed before Ms. Holiday interrupted him.
“Matilda, you are the most agile member of the team—cheerleaders have to be agile. You are also the most fearless—and cheerleaders have to be fearless.”
“You are also loud and obnoxious. You’re perfect for this mission,” Flinch argued.
“You want to be in a choke hold, too? Send Pufferfish!”
“I’m allergic to pom-poms,” Ruby said, scratching at her arm. “And organized sports and … being peppy. And talking about organized sports and being peppy.”
Matilda released Jackson’s head. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m like leader of the tomboys.”
“We’re bringing someone in who can help,” Brand said. “She’ll teach you all the moves.”
“It’s going to take more than that,” Jackson said. “She’s kind of a mess.”
“Oh, that’s not offensive at all,” Matilda said, then forced him back into the choke hold.
“Your cheerleading coach will teach you the routines and make you look the part. She’s got a lot of experience,” Brand said. “Mindy?”
A door opened, and a gorgeous platinum-haired girl in a black bodysuit stepped into the room. Her legs had knives strapped to them and her belt was lined with razor-sharp throwing stars.
“Brand, if you call me Mindy one more time, I’m going to give you a makeover with my boot. The name is the Hyena.”
AFTER THAT LAST QUIZ, I’M CONVINCED THAT YOU AREN’T WELL. BUT DESPITE THE FACTS, THE HEAD OFFICE STILL WANTS TO CONTINUE THE TESTING. COMPLETE. WASTE. OF. TIME.
AGAIN, ANSWER THE QUESTIONS, THEN TOTAL YOUR POINTS.
______________
1. A DOG BITES YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO?
a. RUN CRYING TO THE HOSPITAL (4 POINTS)
b. ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL PAIN AND THANK THE DOG (9 POINTS)
c. TRACK THE DOG BACK TO ITS FAMILY AND EXACT REVENGE ON ALL OF THEM (9 POINTS)
d. BITE THE DOG BACK (10 POINTS)
______________
2. A STRANGER SMILES AT YOU. WHAT DO YOU DO?
a. RUN TO YOUR SECRET PLACE WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU (7 POINTS)
b. SMILE BACK (1 POINT)
c. SHAKE YOUR FISTS AND CHASE HIM THROUGH THE STREETS (9 POINTS)
d. REMIND HIM THAT BARING HIS TEETH IS A SIGN OF AGGRESSION IN THE ANIMAL KINGDOM—THEN ATTACK! (10 POINTS)
______________
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH ON TV?
a. DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT RUTHLESS DICTATORS (7 POINTS)
b. STATIC (7 POINTS)
c. I DON’T OWN A TV. “THEY” CAN SEE ME THROUGH IT. (10 POINTS)
d. I HAD A TV. I HIT IT WITH A BAT. NOW IT DOESN’T WORK. (10 POINTS)
______________
4. IF YOU HAD A BILLION DOLLARS, WHAT WOULD YOU SPEND IT ON?
a. DEATH RAY (10 POINTS)
b. SECRET FORTRESS (5 POINTS)
c. ARMY OF GOONS (7 POINTS)
d. ARMY OF UNICORNS WITH HORNS THAT SHOOT FIRE (TRICK QUESTION!—WHO WOULDN’T WANT AN ARMY OF UNICORNS WITH HORNS THAT SHOOT FIRE?)
______________
5. CONFESS SOMETHING THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT YOU.
a. I ATTEND A SCHOOL FOR WIZARDS (10 POINTS)
b. I DATE A VAMPIRE (10 POINTS)
c. I’M THE CHILD OF A GREEK GOD (10 POINTS)
d. I’M A DETECTIVE WHO INVESTIGATES CRIMES COMMITTED BY FAIRY-TALE CHARACTERS (10 POINTS)
OK, LET’S HEAR THAT NUMBER.
GREAT GOOGLY-MOOGLY! I DIDN’T KNOW NUMBERS WENT THAT HIGH! EXCUSE ME WHILE I BACK AWAY FROM YOU … SLOWLY.
The Hyena dashed into the hallway, heart racing, and slammed the door behind her.
“I told you it wasn’t safe to go in there unarmed,” Jackson said.
The Hyena gingerly touched the red welt around her eye. “No one told me she was such a pit bull. I fought a rabid tiger with a Wiffle ball bat once, but it was a kitten compared to her.”
“Wheezer’s not happy about this mission,” Duncan said.
There was a terrible crash from behind the training room door.
“Well, she needs to grow up. She’s a secret agent and this is her job. What’s the big deal about a little exfoliating and a hot-oil treatment?”
“No one wants to hear that they could be pretty if they just tried. It’s insulting,” Ruby explained.
“Listen, her hair looks like a Swiffer sheet in need of a change. Her skin is sandpaper. She’s got one eyebrow, and her clothes look like a pile of dirty laundry.”