Hard Beat

And then I begin to move. Slow strokes and soft murmurs, hushed pleas for more, satisfied sighs of disbelief as we are haloed by the sun’s rays as it rises higher in the sky. She comes first, my name on her lips like a feather in the cap of an already perfect moment before I tumble over the edge in what feels like a free fall. And that’s perfectly okay because that means I’ll land back on top of her, and I don’t think there’s anywhere else I ever want to be.

I nuzzle my nose under her neck as we just hold on to each other, still co

Time passes, and as much as I want to stay tangled with her forever, I reposition myself half off her body so that I can prop my head up on my elbow and take her in, shock my mind into believing this tangible truth. She looks the same but different somehow. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I don’t care because that guarded yet liberated smile on her face owns my soul right now.

“I need to explain,” she says.

“I don’t care.” I lean forward and press my lips against hers. “All that matters is that you’re here now.”

“I am, but I need to tell you some things,” she says with traces of caution in her voice.

“Are you going to leave me again?” My chest constricts even asking the question, but I need to ask, need to prepare myself.

“No!” The way the word rushes from her mouth tells me it’s true, and that’s all I need to know. “Not unless you want me to go.”

“Never.” I’ve never felt more resolute about anything in my life.

“You might not think that after I finish explaining things,” she says, and her eyes dart away in an anxious flicker before coming back to mine.

“Never,” I say again. “I’ve already lost you too many times for this lifetime.”

“I’m so sorry for doing this to you, for putting you through this, Ta

“Kids, husband, the white picket fence… I’ve never wanted what I called a real life. Never. After my parents died —” She stops when my eyes flash up from where my fingers trace a line over her abdomen at the mention of one of the many things we talked about. “I broke cover. It just kind of happened that day. It was so easy with you to be myself after pretending for so long that I was someone else. I don’t know… The whole story I told you was true except that my first job after the newspaper was the CIA, not freelance.”

“You’re fascinating,” I murmur, the magnitude of her strength such a turn-on.

“Hardly,” she snorts in a self-deprecating fashion. “You need to know that the time I spent with you, the laughs we shared, opening up and telling you I love you was all me, all real… I never faked how I felt for you, even when we were arguing.”

Her comment draws a chuckle from me, and I just can’t take my eyes or my hands off her because I’m so afraid she will disappear if I do.

“The blast happened. There was chatter of cover being blown and then speculation that the opposition would think that maybe you were in on everything as well. I was out one night, Omid saw me. So stupid on my part really. I was careless, losing my edge. I couldn’t be sure he recognized me, but I’m pretty sure he did. I’d been tracking him for a while, thought he was playing both sides of the fence, and if he was the snitch, that meant that you were in danger too since he may have thought we were a team. It killed me to push you away, but I had to do it to keep you safe. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say I’m sorry enough for what I put you through.”

“Why use Rookie at the hospital, then?” I ask a question I’ve asked myself a million times but couldn’t figure out.

“The agency transferred me there, wanted me to use an alias while they set up the house and the cover there. Rookie Thomas was the first name that came to mind. A way to keep you close to me. Subconsciously, a part of me hoped that you would come looking for me. I just didn’t expect it would be so quickly.” She sighs with a little shake of her head. “I shouldn’t have expected any less from you, really. I thought by the time you’d figured it out, we’d have moved out. It was stupid on my part for so many reasons. I put you in danger, put Dane and me in danger…”

I purse my lips and try to fathom what it was like on her end, because being left in the dark on my end sucked. “Does Dane know you’re alive?”

“No. No one could know except for my CIA handler to keep everyone safe. I’ll tell him, but you were first. I had to tell you first.”

“Is Beaux your real name?”

“Not anymore,” she murmurs with a trace of sadness in her eyes, and I angle my head and stare at her as I wait to find out what it is. “Blair Jane,” she says with the cutest scrunch of her nose, like she’s unsure of it. “So I can still go by BJ.”

“Blair,” I murmur, rolling the name around on my tongue. It feels so foreign, and I know it’ll take me a long time to get used to it, but it’s a lot easier getting used to a new name than to the hole in my heart from thinking she’s gone.

“I’ll still answer to Rookie, though,” she says, a smile spreading on her lips that stirs so many things within me – the strongest of them is peace.

“Good to know.” I lean forward and brush a kiss to her lips. “Because I’m bound to call you all of the above. I love you, Beaux Blair Rookie Whatever-your-name-is.” I finally get to say it, to tell her, and the only thing that I feel afterward is relief because I know she heard it this time.

I love the sound of her laugh, practically drugged with happiness and tinged with relief. “I love you too,” she says, wrapping her arms around me and holding tight.

“So what now, Bea—Blair?”

“I know it takes some getting used to. I might try my hand at real estate or something,” she says, causing me to lift my head up and look at her like she’s crazy. “You know what they say, location, location —”

“Location,” I finish for her with a laugh, appreciating the humor she’s trying to inject into this very surreal moment that I still don’t think my head or heart have caught up with just yet. “And while I don’t quite see that being your calling, at least I’d know you’re out of danger… but that’s not what I meant,” I tell her. “I mean, why get out now? Quit? Why do all of this?”

“Because I love you.” Her answer is spoken with such conviction, I have no doubt of its truth. “And because I always told myself that if there was ever a day I found myself thinking of the husband and kids and white picket fence, I had to give it up. I loved my job, Ta

“What?”

“I fell in love with you.” Her voice fades off softly, the emotion in it so strong, it flames the feelings within me to epic proportions. “Like head-over-heels, can’t-catch-your-breath, can’t-live-without-you kind of love. I tried to play cool, tried to act like I didn’t feel it, but my God, that first night? It wasn’t supposed to be like that. I wasn’t supposed to feel like that about you afterward… and I did, and it scared the shit out of me, so the only thing I knew to do was to frustrate you, make you want to push me away.”

“But you quit,” I tell her with a laugh.