The Play

I turn and leave the room, heading out into the hall. Paul, Brian and Toshio are staring at me and Toshio immediately gets up to give me a hug, holding me tight. I thought I was out of tears but being in his embrace is enough to bring more out of me.

“Your turn,” I whisper to him. I look over at Paul, at his red eyes and nose. “And then we all say goodbye together. At the very end.”

Paul nods and Toshio pulls away, head down, looking so lost.

“She’s waiting to hear from you,” I tell him, putting my hand on his shoulder. “Just try not to bitch about Sean too much, okay? She has a lot to process from five children already.”

“She’s used to it.” He smiles sadly then walks off into the room.

I sit down beside Brian and Paul and wait.

I sleep curled up in a chair.

Two p.m. rolls around, the twenty-four hour mark. Of course this is something that doesn’t have to follow an exact schedule or timeline. If we tell the nurses we need more time, they will give us more time.

But we’ve all said our goodbyes now.

The time is up.

“Are you okay about this?” I ask Toshio gently as we head into the room with the doctor.

He nods. “She’s not coming back. I know this now.”

I put my arm around him, my head on his shoulder while we stand around the foot of the bed, staring down at her.

We each offer our little goodbyes.

I raise my hand, palm out, and tell her I’ll miss her every day for the rest of my life.

I guess that’s not a little goodbye at all. It’s the biggest one you can ever say.

The nurses go about, gently removing whatever things were keeping her alive. I know that we were told it could take a few hours or even a few days for her to pass away. The doctor had said our mother will go when she’s ready to go, it’s hard to know how long the body will cling to life for. But the heart monitor shows her blood pressure dropping rapidly. Her heart rate slows and slows and slows.

She’s going.

She’d been waiting.

And we’re watching her leave before our eyes.

And just like that, she’s gone.

She’s really gone.

The stillness of death lingers above the room.

“I’m so sorry,” the doctor says and I know she means it.

I sob against Toshio. Paul and Brian come over and we hold each other in a circle by the bed.

“I love you guys,” I whimper, gutted. Absolutely gutted. Absolutely ruined. “You’re my brothers. And you’re my blood.”

“We love you too,” Paul says softly. “It’s just us from now on. I’ll need you all more than I can tell you at times.”

“Do you think she’ll be proud of us?” Toshio asks, sniffing hard onto his sleeve.

“Always,” says Brian. “As long as we don’t forget what we are to each other.”

“Otherwise both her and dad will deliver the smack down from up above,” I say, attempting a joke. We pull away from each other and even though their smiles are sad, at least they are smiling.

I feel like I might not ever have a genuine smile again.

We leave the room and look over my shoulder one last time at my mother.

Gone from us forever.

But so, so loved.

I step out into the hallway.

And Lachlan is standing there.

I stop in my tracks, trying to see through the haze of my tears, to see if it’s really him or some sort of apparition.

But my brothers all stop and regard him, wary, tired, and I know that he’s actually here. How can you not see a tall, inked, beast of a man standing in the tiny waiting area.

“Lachlan,” I say, my voice raw. I can’t believe it. His beard has grown in more and he looks as tired as I feel, but he’s here. He’s actually here. How is this even possible?

“I didn’t want you to go through this alone,” he says quietly. He opens his arms for me and I immediately rush into them, collapsing against his chest, my feet giving away. He holds me with strength I desperately need and I cry into his chest. So overwhelmed in so many, too many, ways.

“I’m here,” he says softly, his voice gruff, sinking into my burdened soul. “I’m here.” He breathes in deep, his chest rising against my face. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Kayla.” He squeezes me tighter and I grip his back, my fingers twisting into his shirt.

“How did you get here so fast? What about your rugby?” I mumble into him and then I can’t believe I’m actually saying these words in his arms.

He’s here.

God, I had no idea how much I needed him, needed this, until I got it.

“I took the first plane out in the morning. Came straight here,” he says quietly. “We don’t have a game for a few days. Alan said it was fine. But I would have come even if it wasn’t. I don’t ever want you to think you have to handle everything on your own. I’m here for you, I always will be.”

“Thank you,” I say, feeling so much sorrow and so much gratitude just swirling around in my chest. My skin is burning beautifully under his touch. I’ve missed him so much. Slowly I pull back and stare up at him. There he is.

I’m not sure if he’s my Lachlan anymore.

But he’s here.

So he’s mine for now, for a brief time, once again.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Lachlan

I’ve wished a lot in my thirty two years but I’ve never wanted anything more than to be the one who could take away her pain.

The moment she called me, I knew nothing was going to prevent me from reaching her. I got the first plane out in the morning, then I called Alan and told him I was missing a practice. He wasn’t happy about it but I told him I was doing it anyway.

I packed my bags, dropped the dogs off with Amara, and then got my arse over to San Francisco. I’d hoped to be there in time before Kayla had to say goodbye but I got there just after.

Seeing her walk out of that room, a world of agony on her thin shoulders, heartbreak ravaging her face, undid me like a spool of thread. I could barely stand the sight of her in that much pain and sorrow but I needed to be as strong as I could for her.

She collapsed into my arms. She collapsed into my heart.

I held onto her with both and told her I was there.

There was no protest, no anger. She accepted me and just for one, small flash of a second, I had her and everything was right in the world.

My beautiful world.

But of course, everything is still so very wrong.

I go back with Kayla that evening to her apartment. I told her I’d gladly stay in a hotel, that if she didn’t need me around, I wouldn’t be around. But she wouldn’t have any of that.

It’s weird being back in her place. It feels like decades ago when I first came in here, blind in my lust for her, with no idea what could happen between us. I must have known, deep down, that she was going to be the love of the life. I just didn’t know that our love would be so fraught with so many challenges.

Or maybe I did know that. I still said “fuck it” and went for her anyway.

I can’t say I would ever do it differently.

“I’m going to take a shower,” she says, dropping her purse on the table. “I haven’t been clean for a long time.”

For a moment I think she might invite me, like she always had in the past. But she just gives me a tired smile and closes the door behind her.

I sit down on her couch and let it all sink in.

I wish I knew what we were to each other.

She said she loved me over the phone.

Could that matter right now, through all of this?

And if it could, what does that mean for us?

She’s in the shower for a long time and when she steps out, her hair wet around her shoulders, her towel wrapped around her, she takes my breath away. So beautiful that it feels like a knife.

“Will you come to bed with me?” she asks. Her voice is quiet and she looks at me shyly, like she’s unsure if I’ll say yes, unsure that she should even ask to begin with.