The Play

So I keep it to myself. But I hope she knows. I hope she can hear it in my voice, the way I laugh at her silly jokes, because bloody hell, can she still make me laugh.

And I know it might be easier if I didn’t talk to her at all. But that’s not what I want. I would rather love her, unrequited, secretly from afar and still have her in my life, then never talk to her at all. That’s not life to me. Life is something that she’s in, in any way, shape or form.

Loving Kayla saved me in the end. I owe her everything.

“Just good?” Kayla asks, bringing the conversation around.

“Well, the dogs are good and boxing is going well,” I add. “My old rugby mate Re

“I quit my job,” she says.

I’m stu

Kayla quit her last job, the one at Bay Area Weekly, a week after her mother died. They were going to fire her anyway, she thinks, and it was time. That much I could see. She then applied to be a staff writer for a local magazine. To her surprise, they took her in and have been teaching her the ropes. It’s an online magazine about Northern California and I read every article she puts out. She really does have the talent, even though I know it will take time before it really pays off. The only downfall is that she had to take a massive paycut but Kayla rolled with the punches. She gave up her apartment and moved in with her brother Toshio.

“I did love it,” she says. “But it was time to move on. I got what I needed, the experience. Now I want a different kind of experience. I’ve been applying to every publication for the last two days here.”

“Any luck?”

“I have an interview tomorrow,” she says.

“Where? What’s it called? I’ll spy on them.”

“Twenty-Four Hours,” she says. “It’s like a daily free newspaper.”

“Sounds familiar,” I tell her.

“They’re in every major city. They hand them out at the train stations.”

I nod. “Ah yes, I’ve seen them. Good for you. Pay raise I hope?”

“We’ll see. I’m hoping it will be enough to continue sharing an apartment. Otherwise sometimes it’s about more than money.” She pauses. “Where are you?”

“Eh, I just took the dogs out for a bit, picked up some groceries. Coming up Frederick Street now. It’s bloody cold out.”

“I know,” she says and I can almost hear her shivering. “Any plans for tonight?”

“Not really. Stay in, maybe watch a stupid Christmas movie since it’s the damn season and all.”

“You’re positively Grinchy. Are you watching the movie alone?”

“Well, me and the pups, yeah.”

“No woman to join you?”

I swallow. “No,” I say softly.

“Are you sure?” she asks.

I frown. “I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I invited a woman over. You’re still the last, uh, well anyway. My memory is sharp now. It’s just me.”

She seems to think that over and I swear I can hear a sigh of relief. “What are you wearing?” she asks.

“What am I wearing?” I can’t help but smile at that. “Well that’s a question I haven’t heard in a bloody long time.”

“Let me guess,” she goes on. “Your old leather jacket. Dark grey jeans. Olive green sweater. Looks slightly Norwegian, like it would itch a lot. Camel Timberland boots. Oh, and fingerless black gloves.”

I look down at myself, as if I’d forgotten I dressed myself. “That’s exactly what I’m wearing,” I tell her, confused. “How did you…”

Then I look up and see my flat across the road.

I see Kayla standing outside of it.

The bag of groceries drops from my hands.

Somehow I clutch the phone and the leashes.

It can’t be her.

But Emily starts wagging her tail excitedly and Kayla raises her hand, giving me a small wave. She dressed in a bright purple peacoat, jeans, boots, a beanie pulled over head. She’s smiling and pulls her phone away from her ear.

I walk toward her in a daze.

“Your groceries!” she yells at me happily.

As if on autopilot I quickly turn around and scoop them up, then march on over to her. She’s not real until I can feel her.

But the closer I get, the more real she becomes until I’m standing on the curb, staring at her, utterly dumbfounded.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, my words floating away like in a dream.

“I was wondering if maybe you needed a roommate,” she says, putting her hands in her pockets and looking away with a sly smile on her face.

“A roommate?” I frown.

“Yeah. My job interview. If I get it, well, I’ll need a place to live.”

I can only stare at her, blinking, thinking it’s a prank of some sort.

She bites her lip, brow furrowed. “If you’ll have me of course. I don’t blame you if I’m the last person you want to see.”

“Kayla,” I say softly, coming toward her. I stop a foot away, the dogs sniffing her legs. She smiles down at them, absently patting them while she looks back to me. “How are you here?” I ask her.

“I told you. I quit my job,” she says, giving me a hopeful look. “I was ready for me to move on. Move on from the life I was living the last three months. That wasn’t really a life at all. I just…I know I should have told you over the phone or something but I was so afraid, you know. I was so afraid that you’d not believe me or you’d tell me not to come. I was so afraid that it wouldn’t happen. So I quit my job and I bought a plane ticket and I’m just…hoping for the best. Because really, I needed to tell you in person.”

I can barely swallow, my mouth is so dry. “Tell me what?”

She stares at me with wide eyes, like I’ve somehow struck fear in her.

“Tell me what?” I repeat desperately.

She gives me a half-smile. “That I’m still in love with you.”

I cock my head. I couldn’t have heard her right.

She goes, on, licking her lips. “And I know I might have left it too late but…I couldn’t ignore it. I tried, you know. I did. I even went on a date with someone else. I thought that maybe it would help. It lasted a minute, then I got up and left. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even look at him. Lachlan, you have literally ruined all other men for me. None of them compared to you before. None of them will compare to you after. There’s just you and only you.”

My heart is beating like a frightened bird but I do what I can to keep as much control as possible. “I don’t understand,” I tell her. “You knew how I felt all this time. I kept telling you I loved you…until you stopped saying it back.” I blink hard, remembering the burn. “Why? Don’t you know how that felt, to not hear that from you?”

She looks away, nodding with a wounded expression. “I did. I don’t know. I was so fucked up Lachlan and I still am. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my mother and how much I miss her, how much I would give to have her back, even for one single second, just enough to smile at her.” She stares up, her eyes watering. “I tried to move past the grief but I couldn’t. But it didn’t mean I stopped loving you. I just didn’t want to love you anymore. I didn’t want for you to have my heart, all the way over here. How ever would I get it back? It was already so fragile. It was easier to just…shut it all away. But I was wrong. Because it hurt me more to pretend I didn’t care. And in return, you did the same.”

“But it was just pretending,” I tell her, clearing my throat. “I never stopped loving you.”

She stares at me, pained. “Then why are we standing here like this?”

“Because,” I start to say.

But the words die on my lips. She’s on me in a flash. She grabs my face in her hands and pulls my head down toward hers, until my mouth is pressed against her mouth.

I drop the groceries again.

I drop the leashes.

I don’t care. I’m sure the dog’s heads are in the bags, eating the food, and I don’t care.

I give myself to her, to feeling the warmth, the ferocity of her kiss. It brings me back to a beautiful world, one I never thought I’d live in again. I bury my hands in her hair, holding her head, feeling her as our mouths move sweetly against each other in a slow, intoxicating hunger. I can’t believe I’m kissing her again, touching her again, feeling her again.