Cam Girl

My truth was out, now.

All of our truths were.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Ellis said. “I just wanted to be here when you woke up.”

I caught her hand before she turned. “Don’t go.”

Her jaw tensed. She looked at my hand instead of my face.

“You remember that night,” I said. Not a question.

She nodded.

“You know what I did.”

“Yes.”

“Max knows, too. I’m going to jail.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I did it on purpose.” My hand clenched. “I tried to hurt us, Ellis.”

“For a second. And then you tried to stop. It was a mistake. He knows that.”

“I could’ve killed us. I killed Skylar.”

“You stopped Skylar from hurting anyone else. It was an accident. She was trying to kill herself.”

“And I ended up doing it for her.”

“Listen to me.” Ellis worked her hand free and then laced her fingers back through mine. “We couldn’t change what was going to happen that night. She had the gun in the glove box. She knew what she wanted.”

How can you hold my hand right now? “Ellis, I tried to hurt us. You.”

“I know.” She gripped harder. “I’ve tried to hurt you, too. You make me feel things so much I can barely stand it.”

I kept swallowing, but my throat stayed dry. “I couldn’t have lived with myself if something happened to you. I wish I was the only one who got hurt. I’m sorry. I’m such an asshole. So selfish.”

“Baby, don’t cry.”

Oh, that’s why my throat was dry. All the water was coming out of my eyes. “I knew about it, okay? About your boy side. Not the exact details, but I’ve always accepted it, subconsciously. That’s what came out in my art. Part of me recognized it while part of me was still in denial. I’m not as brave as you. I couldn’t face it—who I am, who you are. Who we are together.”

“I lied about it,” she said.

“Because I made you too afraid to be honest. I’m sorry I made you afraid.”

“You didn’t.” She bowed her head. “You’re the only one who knows. The only one who really understands me.”

“Look at me, Ellis.”

She looked. Glassy-eyed, hair raking across her forehead. Not a boy or a girl, not any binary, rigid definition of a person. Just my everything.

“I love you. No matter who you are. Okay?” My throat felt all mucky and thick. “You’re the best person I’ve ever known. You make me want to be better.”

Ellis brushed my tears away with her hands.

“Know how much I like you, nerd? You made me fall in love with you twice.”

“One of those wasn’t real.”

“It was all real.” I brought her hand to my chest. “When I was camming, half the time I felt like somebody’s therapist. But Blue was mine. He helped me work through my depression. To see myself as the person I want to be. I loved him for that.”

“That’s how I felt, too. You made him—you made me feel like the person I’ve dreamed of being.”

I stared at her hands. “How did I look right at you and not realize?”

“Because you see who I am inside. Not outside.”

“Sometimes I wanted so badly for you to be him. It almost feels like cheating, that you are.”

“You didn’t want him to be Max, or Dane?”

“No.” I kissed her hand. “You’re perfect. You’re all I want.”

“I’m sorry I broke your heart.”

“Yo también, pajarito. Maybe we needed to break a little, so we could put ourselves back together more beautifully than before.”

She was doing that squinting, this-is-too-much, I-can’t-even thing.

I let her go. “It smells really good in here. What is that?”

“Oh. Almost forgot.”

Ellis crossed the room and returned with a foam takeout box.

“They’re not hot anymore, but I thought you’d be hungry.”

Unmistakable. The scent of my childhood. Fried plantains and caramelized sugar. “Oh my god. Maduros? In fucking Maine?”

“I had to call a million restaurants to find them.”

I flipped the box open. Golden plantain slices, still warm, topped with a dollop of cream cheese.

“My sweet prince,” I said.

“My rebel princess.”

I swear, my smile could’ve swallowed the sun.

I motioned Ellis closer and mimed for her to open. She let me feed her a slice, then took the box and fed me the rest by hand.

Things were finally starting to feel normal again.

I closed my eyes, sighing. “Why are you so sweet to me?”

“Because I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I said, immediately, easily.

“And you’ve got a great ass.”

I laughed. “You sound like Brandt.”

“Why was Brandt looking at your ass?”

“This may shock you, but men often find me attractive.”

“I can’t imagine why.”

“Ask Blue about it.”

She glanced away. “Brandt knew. He tried to throw you off the trail, with the knife and stuff.”

She was that terrified I’d reject her. That afraid of losing me, when I’d been so scared of losing her once she knew the truth.

“It’s okay. It’s kind of nice, actually, that he’s so loyal to you.”

Ellis peered at her shoes.

“Hey,” I said. “Tell me something.”

“What?”

“Do you actually have Superman underwear?”

Her face went red. “I’m leaving.”

“Nope.” I caught her arm, yanked her back onto the bed. “This patient needs supervision. And superstrength. Superspeed.”

“Will you shut up.”

I couldn’t stop snickering. Her expression softened.

“Still cold?” she said.

I wasn’t, but I nodded.

She took off her glasses and hoodie and shoes and slid under the blanket. For a moment we looked at each other, hesitating, and then I pulled her into my arms. It felt no different from always. Holding too tightly, hearts beating in sync, her pulse matching the quick staccato in the background. I pulled the stupid metal clip off my finger so the monitor went quiet. Now we could only feel it, my rhythm against hers.

The headstone was blank.

We stood on a moor overlooking the ocean. Below us the drowned coast tumbled down to the water, shards of chopped rock jutting against the rush of black waves. Tide pools churned and breathed mist. At night they’d freeze solid, starfish and barnacles and other strange sea creatures trapped in ice like clear quartz. Up here, in the muddy scrub, we faced the wind and the grave without a name.

Ellis walked along the precipice. Max stood beside me, his coat flapping against his legs.

We didn’t talk about what happened in the water, or on the road. Neither of us was good at expressing our emotions verbally. We spoke better with our hands. I cooked food and brought it over. Then I started inviting him to di

When the weather warmed, Max said, he’d teach me to swim. You can’t live beside the ocean without knowing how to swim.

He didn’t say it, but I knew he left the stone uncarved because he couldn’t accept either fact: that Skylar was gone or that she was a she. If he left it blank, he could keep denying it. Committing to it meant the past was over, that the future had started. A future without his only child. That pretty face, those sparkling blue eyes.

“Accept her the way she was,” I said. “She still needs that from you.”

“Don’t you see?” Ellis said, touching the headstone. Her hair streamed in the wind, a torch of color against the gray. “You’re not cutting off her future by carving a name. You’re giving her memory a future.”

Blood pulsed in my head like the heartbeat of the ocean. Ellis was speaking to both of us.

She caught my eye for a second before I looked away.

Max and I understood each other in this. We hung back, hesitating.

Afraid to raise the chisel.

“Tell me what it’s like,” I said, lying on my side, gazing at her across the pillow. “What do you feel like inside?”