Cam Girl

God, fuck. Fuck, what was I feeling? Something vast and powerful stirring in my chest. Like an ocean swell. A massive wave rising over my heart, begi

We checked into our hotel on the harbor. I’d booked a suite with a bay view, hardly glancing at the price. A year ago my pulse would’ve skipped. Now I had enough cash to put a down payment on a house, or invest in a business.

It was intimidating. I felt like a kid. Could I just feed my money into a machine and twist the dial and get something that’d make me smile, please?

On the harbor, lanterns lined the piers, golden rings scalloping the dark water. A luxury yacht glided past, glimmering like a jeweled dagger as it cut through the night. Tiny paper-doll people moved on deck.

“Think they’re happy?” I said as Ellis came up beside me.

“Right now someone’s leaning on the railing, looking at us, wondering the same thing.”

“Think we’re happy?”

No answer. Her eyes were far away.

“Okay.” I crossed the room, flicked a lamp on. “One of us should go and one stay. Two girls walking into a mostly male gay bar is way too conspicuous.”

“I agree.”

“Good. So I’ll go.”

“No, I will.”

We faced off.

“Ellis, his name is Sergio Iglesias. I’ve kinda got a lock on the Latino thing.”

“And he’s gay, and works at a gay bar. And you’re not. But I am.”

“So you’re going to walk into a bar full of gay men and be like, ‘Hi, I’m the cute token lesbian, please confide in me’?”

“No. I’m going to walk into a bar full of gay men as a gay man.”

My jaw dropped. “What?”

“I can pass.”

“Elle.” I moved toward her, half smiling, trying not to seem condescending. “You’re not that androgynous.”

“Yes, I am. You’re not looking at me like they will. You’re seeing our history, our baggage. They’ll just see me.”

I stopped, taken aback.

“He’ll open up more to another man. No offense, but you’ll come off as a fruit fly, Vada.” She grimaced apologetically. “I can do this. I’ll show you. Just . . . wait here.”

She grabbed our duffel bags and disappeared into the bathroom.

I collapsed onto the king bed, feeling oddly winded.

We’d come all this way and now I was being sidelined. And Elle judged me for not seeing her as she really was. And I missed Blue.

And damnedest of all, I wanted to talk to someone I never turned to when I was feeling down.

I brought up my phone contacts. Hovered over the name.

Tap.

She answered after one ring. “Is this intentional, mija, or is it a butt dial?”

I laughed. “It’s not a butt dial. Hola, Mamá.”

“Oh, your sweet voice, cariño.”

Hers trembled, and I felt the instant prick of tears starting.

How the hell did mothers do that? From zero to gut-wrenching guilt in three seconds.

“I can’t talk long,” I said, switching to Spanish. “I’ve got plans tonight. But I just—I missed you.”

“That is all I wanted to hear from you, sweetheart. Those words will make me smile for months.”

“Keep twisting that knife, Mamá.”

“What does that mean?”

“Uh-huh.” She knew damn well. “How’s Ariana?”

“Devastated. Her young man had wandering eyes. The engagement is off.”

Surprise, surprise. “Sorry to hear that.”

“She’s seeing someone else already. I told her she should start taking some college classes, like you.”

“I’m a dropout. A failure.”

“No. You’re taking a hiatus. How is the freelancing?”

I’d lied to her, said I was doing freelance photography for cash. Her heart would shatter if I told her I was a cam girl.

“It’s okay. I’m saving up money till I figure out what I want to do with my life now.”

“Good. Smart girl. Like Ellis. And how is my flaca?”

“She’s . . . fine.”

“You patched things up?”

“Yeah, we did.”

“Cariño, listen. There’s something I want to say to you.”

Oh god. “You really don’t have to—”

“No, please. I’ve been thinking about it, and praying. God does not make mistakes, Vada. Only we do.”

“Okay . . .”

“If someone makes you happy, that is not a mistake. Falling in love is not a mistake. God made you how you are. Everything good comes from Him.”

“Elle doesn’t believe in God, Mamá.”

“I know. I love her anyway. And I love you, no matter who you are, or who you love.”

Everything went all shimmery and bright. I closed my eyes for a second.

“I’ll let you go, sweetheart. Be safe tonight. Have fun. And call your mother more often. Then the knife won’t twist so much.”

When we hung up I lay there clasping the phone to my chest.

The bathroom door opened. I sat upright.

Ellis—someone—stepped out and walked toward me.

This person looked like my best friend, at first. But little differences started pinging my consciousness. Hair styled in a quiff, the cut that had looked cute and punkish on a girl becoming suave and rakish on a boy. Shoulders set squarely, head held high but relaxed. Slow, deliberate movements. Sustained eye contact. Even the way this person breathed was different—it came from deep in the diaphragm, the core. This person looked so much calmer and more confident than my best friend. So much more centered.

I stood and said, ridiculously, “Ellis?”

“Hi.”

Her voice was lower, but not in an affected way. It came from the gut.

“Holy shit,” I said.

I moved closer, circling, evaluating. Glasses off, revealing all the angles of her face. Slight squint, flattened lips. Hints of hardness. She wore slim jeans and a button-up shirt, tucked in and belted. Elle was ultra ski

“Where are your boobs?” I said, trying not to laugh.

She answered in that smooth, low voice. “Under two sports bras. I’m kind of hot.”

I stopped in front of her. “You are kind of hot.”

No blush. She merely looked me in the eyes with a glimmer of satisfaction.

I touched her throat, the faint shadow sculpting her Adam’s apple. “Is this my makeup?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you so good at this?” I leaned out a bit, taking in the whole package, and gaped. “Oh my god. Are you packing?”

She tucked a thumb into her pocket. “I’m a perfectionist. Does it look fake?”

“No. It looks legit. What is it?”

“Pair of socks.”

I laughed, but in awe. “You are blowing my mind right now. What do I even call you?”

“Ellis.”

Again there was a strange moment that felt like a revelation, but also something I already knew. Like what she’d said about me driving earlier.

“Of course.” I stepped back. “I can’t believe you did this with some hair product, a couple of bras, and a pair of socks.”

At last she cracked a smile. “All the world’s a stage.”

When she smiled at me—a smile I’d seen thousands of times in my life—my heart fluttered in a weird new way. Because I wasn’t seeing my best friend, Elle. I was seeing some handsome, slender, sensitive-looking guy named Ellis smiling at me. A guy who could stand next to someone like Dane and completely pass.

This was way too much for me to process.

“You okay, Vada?”

“Fine. Want a ride to the bar?”

Her phone buzzed. “My cab’s here.”

“Your cab?” I eyed her askance. “You knew this would work. Going in drag. Why didn’t you mention it till now?”

“It seemed simpler to show you.”

And then to bounce, before I could ask questions. Before it could sink in.

I turned away, pretended to do stuff on my phone. “Text me if anything gets skeezy. I’ll wait up.”

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yup.”

I peered into the hall and watched her leave. From the back the illusion was flawless. That was not the girl I knew.

That was a guy.