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But ever since the night I lost Haley, there had been no such place of safety in my mind.
After that, while I was in the hospital, I dreamed I was drifting alone in the infinite vacuum of space, utterly devoid of hope, unable to speak to anything except myself, unable to listen to anything except myself, unable even to feel anything except the terror of my own vast emptiness. Indescribable demons and visions came to taunt me. Random chaos swirled around me. Even my most cherished memories betrayed me. From all directions, unco
It took the shrinks nearly three months to awaken me from hell.
It took them two months more to help me face the fact that there was no longer any calm and distant place where I could go to hide from such a nightmare, because the nightmare was everywhere inside my mind. I would always carry it with me, wherever I was sent. It left no hint of me within my interior universe. That was the entire point. When there is no hint of yourself within your mind, it is the very definition of insanity.
Although I had no memory of how I fell into that madness, they told me it had come upon me at a motion-picture set, during a night shoot on location at a turnout on Mulholland Drive, high up on a cliff above Topanga State Park, with the sparkling lights of Los Angeles below us in the distance. The director had given Haley forty-five minutes while they reset the cameras for the next take. She had asked the caterer to grill a swordfish filet for her and a sirloin for her bodyguard. We also had asparagus, Caesar salads, sourdough rolls, and a half bottle of a Paso Robles pinot noir. We had eaten the di
Again, I had no memory of that night. In fact, I remembered nothing of a space of many days before it, and nothing of the months it took for me to return to sanity, if I had indeed returned. I only knew what the detectives found in their investigation, and what the doctors at Resnick Neuropsychiatric Hospital told me later, when I finally stopped screaming.
It seems the director had sent his personal assistant over to let Haley know the crew was ready. When nobody answered her knock, the assistant assumed Haley wasn’t in the trailer, so she started back toward the area where the crew was waiting. Then she heard the door swing open and bang against the trailer wall behind her. The director’s assistant turned and saw Haley ru
The director’s assistant later told the police that at first she didn’t believe what she had seen. It took her several seconds to accept it. Only then did she run to the edge of the cliff to look down and call for Haley. But all she saw was darkness in the park below, and beyond, the yellow galaxy of city lights spreading to the horizon. The cliff at that spot was nearly one hundred feet high.
The crew didn’t wait for the police, of course. Everybody scrambled for their vehicles and drove down to the bottom of the cliff on a fire road, where they fa
Due to the time it took to find her in the dark, and the shock, nobody thought to check her trailer until the police finally searched it nearly three hours later. That was when they found me. I had stripped off all my clothing. I was on a settee, trying to push the fingers of my right hand through the wall. I had broken two of my fingers with the effort, but I kept trying. One thing about me: I do persevere.
Soon after that, they found a young woman named Nancy Fleming lying unconscious below some scrub brush on the hill behind the trailer. She worked for the caterer and had been sent over to serve the meal. Once she regained consciousness, she said she remembered walking toward the trailer with our food and then waking up in an ambulance, but nothing in between.
Investigators tested the remains of the meal and the blood from Haley’s body and mine. The lab results showed a cocktail of several kinds of amphetamines and hallucinogenic drugs, including lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD. They said it was a massive overdose. One of my doctors said she was surprised when I regained my sanity three months later.
I was still unsure I had returned to sanity, even then. The abject terror of an uncontrollable imagination doesn’t fade easily, or soon. For weeks, which turned into months, psychiatrists worked with me. Eventually I came to understand the challenge. What I had to do was simple: rediscover something I could count on. If the drugs had torn away the calm and distant place that had sheltered me from the fear of combat, something else must take its place. Otherwise, the threat of madness would be ever present.
One day a chaplain from my old unit came to visit. It turned out he had come several times before, but that was the first time I had noticed. Captain Bud Ta
It was Bud who showed me where it says in the Good Book to think about true things. Noble things. Whatever is right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. It was Bud who told me see that such things were always there, even when I couldn’t think of them. They hadn’t died with Haley, and they had never stopped existing, even while I was lost within the chaos in my skull. And because they were always there, because they were external to me and didn’t rely on me in any way for their existence, I could hold on to them, or the idea of them, and in doing that, regain some sense of stability.
I had my doubts about Bud’s theory. Compared to the enormity of my pain, it seemed like clutching at straws. It wasn’t the dependable, calm and distant place that had sustained me in fearful moments before combat. It wasn’t inside me. It wasn’t part of me. It was no more under my control than the madness was. But it was my only chance, if I wanted to live long enough to avenge my wife.
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