Pucked Up

“You’re making me sound like a caveman.”

“If the loincloth fits . . .”

“He’s her ex. They dated for four years, Vi. What if she gets drunk and decides his tiny dick is better than my above average, magical unicorn dick?”

“I think you need to stop worrying about your mythical man unit and focus on the real problem. You’ve made some mistakes with Su

“I can’t take back all the bu

“Nope, you can’t. Which means you have to work a lot harder than most to earn her trust.”

I contemplate that. “I get what you’re saying, but I don’t think it’s fair that I take all the heat on this. All those pictures since we’ve been dating haven’t been intentional.”

“Do you think these are?”

“What if she’s letting him take all these cozy pictures to get me back?

“You mean to make you jealous?”

“I guess. People do that sometimes, right?”

“Sometimes. I don’t see Su

Vi’s right. I exhale loudly into the phone. “Are relationships always this hard?”

“Not always. But the ones that are worth it are the ones you have to fight for.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

VIDEO KILLED THE BATHROOM STALL

I’m half a second away from calling Su

My first thought is phone sex. I don’t know why. I have no real privacy here. I’m kinda pissed at her, and we’ve never had it before. Also, my balls still hurt. I have a feeling it would be almost impossible to get a hard-on, let alone come.

I answer the call. The screen remains black for several seconds before Su

My anger dissolves into worry. “Su

“You promised!” She’s drunk. I can tell by her slur and the heaviness of her eyes. I’ve seen Su

I can only assume she’s seen the pictures of my dick. “Su

“You can always explain! You’re so good at it. Why do you have to look so good? Why do you have to be so sexy and sweet and good at sex? You’re all I can think about and—and—and—” She breaks down in a fit of tears.

I can’t see her face anymore. I think I’m looking at her hair, but it’s hard to tell. Music gets loud and then quiet again. Voices in the background sound male. I wish I had my earbuds. Su

“Su

“We didn’t have very good reception. Well, I didn’t. I shouldn’t have gone with the cheaper phone package. I mostly only had one bar. Sometimes I could see your texts, but I couldn’t reply. Lily’s reception wasn’t any better. I tried to use her phone, and there were all these pictures—” She hiccups.

“Let’s talk it out.”

She lifts her head and looks blearily at me. “Your penis is all over the Internet. It was supposed to be my penis.”

“It is yours, baby. I’m sorry about the picture. I got bit by a spider today. I didn’t know Randy was go

“I don’t care if everyone sees your penis. It’s a nice penis. Except your balls looked really big. Like, not-right kinda big, which I guess is from the spider bite? It was the comments on your wall. I didn’t like them. I can’t—” She hiccups. “Did you know there’s a hooker bu

I sure do. I stumbled on it one day when I searched my own name. I created a fake account under the name Beaver Bu

“Baby, you don’t want to look at that stuff. You know how people like to skew things.” As for the comments on the picture of my balls, I can’t control bu

Su

I’m definitely worried about how drunk she is, based on her inability to stick with one train of thought. I’m also concerned about her location. I have a million questions, such as where the fuck is she sleeping if she’s not in the tent close to the bear poop, and what exactly has been going on with Patch McBushman for her to say he’s not over her. I’m back to being pissed, but I recognize that expressing my frustration is useless with her in this state.

I address the last question, because it’s the most important and likely the only one she remembers. “No, of course I’m not over you. Why would you think that?”

Her eyes drop along with her voice. “We had sex. I figured once you had the milk you’d throw away the cow.” She looks up again, tears sliding down her blotchy cheeks. “Why do you think I held out for so long?”

“You thought I wouldn’t want to see you anymore after we had sex?” This is definitely not a conversation I want to have on the phone.

“Well, yeah. You’re so good at the sex, and I’m not. I bet the hooker bu

Her honesty makes me feel ill. There’s so much about what she’s said that’s unsettling. This isn’t how I want things to be between us. I didn’t push for sex because I didn’t want her to think that was my only reason for being with her. I thought I’d made that clear. But again, she’s not in any condition to have that talk. “I think you’re gorgeous without makeup. And that wasn’t a bu

“I already told you, she’s fighting with Benji.” She shifts around, leaning against a wall. Words are written on it in marker, or scratched into the surface, exposing silver where there was paint before.

“Are you in a bathroom?”

She nods and sniffs. The sound of toilet paper being pulled from a roll follows. She brings the wad to her nose and blows. “It smells horrible in here.”

“I bet. Why don’t you go outside? It’ll smell way better and be quieter.”