The James Bond Anthology

James Bond said that he had. He weaved slightly as he went to the lobby door and unlocked it. ‘E. & O.E. – Errors and omissions excepted’ as the financial prospectuses say, he thought that he had indeed now ‘got the photo’. And it was an exceptionally clear print in black and white without ‘fuzz’.

10 | BELLY-LICK, ETC.

In the back office, James Bond went quickly over the highlights of the meeting. Nick Nicholson and Felix Leiter agreed they had enough on the tape, supported by Bond, to send Scaramanga to the chair. That night, one of them would do some snooping while the body of Rotkopf was being disposed of and try and get enough evidence to have Garfinkel and, better still, Hendriks indicted as accessories. But they didn’t at all like the outlook for James Bond. Felix commanded him, ‘Now don’t you move an inch without that old equalizer of yours. We don’t want to have to read that obituary of yours in The Times all over again. All that crap about what a splendid feller you are nearly made me throw up when I saw it reprinted in the American blatts. I dam’ nearly fired off a piece to the Trib putting the record straight.’

Bond laughed. He said, ‘You’re a fine friend, Felix. When I think of all the trouble I’ve been to to set you a good example all these years.’ He went off to his room, swallowed two heavy slugs of bourbon, had a cold shower and lay on his bed and looked at the ceiling until it was 8.30 and time for di

Mr Scaramanga looked up at him under lizard eyelids. ‘No. If you figure the evening’s not going so good, make it go better. That’s what you’re being paid for. You act as if you know Jamaica. Okay. Get these people off the pad.’

It was many years since James Bond had accepted a ‘dare’. He felt the eyes of The Group on him. What he had drunk had made him careless – perhaps wanting to show off, like the man at the party who insists on playing the drums. Stupidly, he wanted to assert his personality over this bunch of tough guys who rated him insignificant. He didn’t stop to think that it was bad tactics, that he would be better off being the ineffectual limey. He said, ‘All right, Mr Scaramanga. Give me a hundred-dollar bill and your gun.’

Scaramanga didn’t move. He looked up at Bond with surprise and controlled uncertainty. Louie Paradise shouted thickly, ‘C’mon, Pistol! Let’s see some action! Mebbe the guy can produce.’

Scaramanga reached for his hip pocket, took out his billfold and thumbed out a note. Next he slowly reached to his waistband and took out his gun. The subdued light from the spot on the girl glowed on its gold. He laid the two objects on the table side by side. James Bond, his back to the cabaret, picked up the gun and hefted it. He thumbed back the hammer and twirled the cylinder with a flash of his hands to verify that it was loaded. Then he suddenly whirled, dropped on his knee so that his aim would be above the shadowy musicians in the background and, his arm at full length, let fly. The explosion was deafening in the confined space. The music died. There was a tense silence. The remains of the false pineapple hit something in the dark background with a soft thud. The girl stood under the spot and put her hands to her face and slowly folded to the dance floor like something graceful out of Swan Lake. The maître d’hôtel came ru

As chatter broke out among The Group, James Bond picked up the hundred-dollar note and walked out into the spotlight. He bent down and lifted the girl up by her arm. He pushed the dollar bill down into her cleavage. He said, ‘That was a fine act we did together, sweetheart. Don’t worry. You were in no danger. I aimed for the top half of the pineapple. Now run off and get ready for your next turn.’ He turned her round and gave her a sharp pat on the behind. She gave him a horrified glance and scurried off into the shadows.

Bond strolled on and came up with the band. ‘Who’s in charge here? Who’s in command of the show?’

The guitarist, a tall, gaunt Negro, got slowly to his feet. The whites of his eyes showed. He squinted at the golden gun in Bond’s hand. He said uncertainly, as if signing his own death warrant, ‘Me, sah.’

‘What’s your name?’

‘King Tiger, sah.’

‘All right then, King. Now listen to me. This isn’t a Salvation Army fork-supper. Mr Scaramanga’s friends want some action. And they want it hot. I’ll be sending plenty of rum over to loosen things up. Smoke weed if you like. We’re private here. No one’s going to tell on you. And get that pretty girl back, but with only half the clothes on, and tell her to come up close and sing “Belly-Lick” very clearly with the blue words. And, by the end of the show, she and the other girls have got to end up stripped. Understand? Now get cracking or the evening’ll fold and there’ll be no tips at the end. Okay? Then let’s go.’

There was nervous laughter and whispered exhortation to King Tiger from the six-piece combo. King Tiger gri

Bond walked back and laid the pistol down in front of Scaramanga, who gave Bond a long, inquisitive look and slid it back into his waistband. He said flatly, ‘We must have a shooting match one of these days, Mister. How about it? Twenty paces and no wounding?’

‘Thanks,’ said Bond, ‘but my mother wouldn’t approve. Would you have some rum sent over to the band? These people can’t play dry.’ He went back to his seat. He was hardly noticed. The five men, or rather four of them because Hendriks sat impassively through the whole evening, were straining their ears to catch the lewd words of the Fa