Guilt Tripper

 Having taken the armchair opposite Mr. Curran, Da

 Three days later, the Currans had turned up at the Great Eastern Hotel, returning Da

 “Individuals waste money on phone ringtones, cocaine and furry dice to hang from their rear view mirrors,” she’d said. “Whereas communities, at their best, spend it on brain surgeons and special needs education. As a beneficiary of both, how can I legitimise taking any more money out of the pot? Without a Health Service, fifty thousand pounds wouldn’t even have paid for my bed and breakfast in a private hospital.”

 When Carina spoke, her brain damage had made itself apparent. She’d had to pause every so often to remember a simple word or regain a train of thought and occasionally she’d slurred her words. Apart from this handicap she’d been remarkably eloquent — especially for someone having to relearn how to read and write.

 Carina said that closing a college for twenty kids in order to make one individual wealthy was absurd. If he really wanted to make amends for what he’d done, she’d told Da

 After the first drawing lesson round at the house, Carina had taken a nap, leaving Da

 “So how are the lessons going then?” Judith asked.

 “I’ve been round at the Currans house every other day for the past month. Like a fool, I actually forgot that I was round there to be punished, until last week.”

 “Why, what happened last week?”

 “Carina was struggling to get a grasp of a sketching technique I was showing her and then she erupted. She said she had more contempt for me than for Bob Fitzgerald, and that she’d only asked me to teach her how to paint so that she could see just how far I’d crawl for absolution. She reckons that the fact I even want forgiveness indicates that I’m not really contrite at all. In her opinion, a truly contrite man would accept his guilt as just rewards and suffer in silence, not go trying to buy peace of mind by dropping money through people’s letterboxes. She said that the only person I was really concerned about was myself, and even though she’s since apologised, she’s right. I used her tragic situation to get cash and never gave her another thought. Then, when I learnt where it came from I tried to use her to get rid of it. Just as Bob and other men exploited Carina for sex, I’ve been exploiting the poor girl for my own salvation.”

 “So what happens now?”

 “Well, I either suffer in silence like Carina says, or I put myself in the same misery as those I’ve profited from. I think the latter is probably the only way my remorse can ever be seen as sincere.”

 “Or, you could just forget all this nonsense and start living like a normal human being.” Judith jumped up from the bed, turning to face Da

 “No, no…it’s not the same.”

 Judith laughed, flabbergasted. “You think you’re better than me don’t you.”

 “Eh?”

 “It’s ok for me and everyone else to sin because, we know not what we do. But you, you’re a superior being. There’s no excuse for you.”

 “That’s because of my Christian, socialist upbringing! Have you still not got that? It’s all about caring for others while flagellating yourself. Remember what I told you about Crazy Ferguson hitting me with a bottle? How my mother said it had served me right for defending the enemy against my own? Well, it would have been the same had I just stood back and allowed him to slash Bob. Then she’d he have recited the story of the Good Samaritan and condemned me for being a poor Christian. And that’s how my life’s been for the past forty three years Judith, looking for the best in everyone else and the worst in myself… stopping during every experience and wondering: what would mum think of this? Am I a true socialist? Am I good Christian?”

 “You can shake it off! I saw the change in you at Gairloch…it was amazing!”

 “I must admit, I had started enjoying things without constantly consulting her in my head. I could still hear her talking, but she had to compete with the kids’ voices. In the end they were having far more of an influence over me than I ever could have had over them. Thanks to Hamish, Ryan, Angie and yourself, their intellects were expanding, exposing my own mind as stagnant by contrast. They had myriad points of view to offer at the di

 “Well I think it’s time you heard some new voices then. I’m off to Iceland in the morning, and I know for a fact that there are still seats on my flight. Why don’t you come along?”