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Damn it all!
“No, man, this is for a friend. I swear.”
“Sure, sure,” he says and gives me a grin.
The jogging suit guy finally finishes up. “Hey Gabe, please don’t say anything to Dad. I swear this isn’t my kid.”
He nods and pats me on my back right before I step forward.
“No worries, dude. This is just between us.”
Back in the car, Elle has added trembling to the rocking and chanting. I place the bag on her lap to buckle my seatbelt and she shoves it off onto the floor. Yeah, this isn’t at all how I thought tonight would go.
“I’m not peeing on a stick, Paul.”
“You’re going to have to, Elle. You need to know for sure.”
“I’m going to wait a few days. Maybe my cycle is off because of traveling.”
I nod. “Maybe. And you said you were really careful about birth control, right?”
“So careful. And Stephan was meticulous about it.”
“Okay, so this test is just for peace of mind. If your birth control was meticulous, then you should have nothing to worry about.”
“Right, right. We went through two boxes of condoms.”
“I really didn’t need to hear that,” I grumble.
“We even used one on the beach.”
“Awesome.” I can’t hide the sarcasm in my voice.
She takes a sharp breath. “The beach!” she wails.
I swerve to the right before gaining control of the car again. “What? What?”
“The sand, the pounding! The condom was messed up when it was over.”
I want to ask more specifics but I’m sure I can’t stomach it. I don’t need to reply though because we’ve just pulled up to her house. I rush around, open her door, and extend my hand. “Come on. Let’s go.”
She paces the living room while I tear open the first package and read the instructions. “Let’s get this done,” I say, pointing towards the guest bath. When she opens the door I hand her the stick. “Pee on this part for five seconds.”
I look her in the eyes and all I see is terror. I can’t blame her. In a few minutes her whole life could change. When the door closes I fold my arms and lean back on the wall across from the door. A nervous minute passes and all I hear is silence.
I step up to the door. “You okay?”
“I can’t pee,” she cries out.
“You’ve got to. Mind over matter, Elle. Think of waterfalls or something.”
“What?”
“Just pee, damn it!”
“Asshole,” I hear her mumble.
A minute later the door opens and she hands me the wand. After slipping the cap back on it, I lay it flat on the counter. “Okay let’s walk away for five minutes.”
She nods and heads to the kitchen. With the stiffness of a zombie she takes a bottle of beer out of the fridge, opens it, and hands it to me. It’s not hard to miss that she hasn’t taken one for herself.
“So, busy day tomorrow?” she asks.
I blink at her. She wants to talk about our schedules? Okay, I’ll play that game.
Besides, her vacant expression tells me that she doesn’t give a shit about what my day is like tomorrow but she needs to be distracted.
“Yeah, pretty busy. You?”
“Yes, I have a presentation to a new client I really want to work with.”
“Well, good luck with that.”
She chews on her thumbnail and nods toward the bathroom. “How much more time?”
“A minute and a half.” Her color is shifting to a grayish hue.
“Oh no . . . I think I’m going to be sick.”
She rushes toward the bathroom with me right at her heels. When she curls over the toilet, I sweep her hair off her face and hold it back as she hurls.
So much for that In-N-Out di
“You okay?” I ask as she wipes her face and flushes the toilet.
She goes to the sink and rinses out her mouth. “How much more time now?”
I glance at my watch, reach out and carefully pick up the wand, and hold it toward the light. It reveals two distinct stripes. That second little stripe indicating positive, feels like a needle jabbed in my heart. I turn away from her so she can’t see my expression. I have no fucking gameface at this point.
“What?” she whispers.
I hold up the stick. “Positive.” I feel like I can’t breath and it’s not even my kid. She wasn’t looking for this. I can’t even imagine how she’s feeling.
“Positive?” she asks in a distraught voice. I hear her choke back tears.
I nod and try to swallow down the lump in my throat. Luckily, I look over at her before she sways and then starts to crumble. I catch her just in time and pull her tightly into my arms. It breaks my heart when she presses her face into my chest and lets out a sorrowful cry. I sweep my arm under her knees and lift her up.
She’s full on sobbing by the time I carry her to the living room and sink down onto the couch, still holding her tightly against me. I slowly run my hand across her head and down her back over and over, imagining what this experience would be like if it were my kid. Would she feel differently than as distraught as she seems to be right now? Would she want our baby as much as I would? I ache because I wish it were mine and that’s messed up to even be thinking about when she’s so defeated by the news.
My shirt is soaked and my arm numb by the time the tears quiet. She tilts her face up to look at me.
“What am I going to do, Paul?”
“I would think you’d want to take a little time to figure out what your heart wants you to do.”
She lets out a long sigh and nods.
I can’t help but be tender with her. My heart is broken—not just for what we could have been, but for the tough decisions she has ahead of her. I brush her hair off her damp forehead.
“I must say, Elle, I think you’d make an incredible mom.”
I watch two streams of tears slowly make their way down her cheeks. “I’m not so sure I would,” she says quietly. “How could I properly take care of a baby with my irregular work schedule and travel? There are some events where I have no idea when I’ll get home.”
“But what about Stephan? He would be helping.”
At the mention of his name she squeezes her eyes shut and grimaces. “Stephan,” she sighs.
“What? This baby is his responsibility, too.”
“Yes, but can you imagine? He’d seal the baby in a germ-free bubble. Besides, he’s the least fatherly man I know.”
“I’ll take your word on that. You’d have a super clean baby for sure.” I try to give her a warm smile. “He’d probably wear surgical gloves to change a diaper.”
“Oh I can promise you that he’d never change a dirty diaper.”
“He might surprise you. Fatherhood changes people. I have a friend from college that could be such an ass, but when his son was born he changed completely . . . at least around his kid. He’s a total mush head now.”
She lets out an awkward laugh.
“What?”
“I just remembered my junior high health teacher telling us to never sleep with someone unless you think they’d make a good parent. She was only trying to scare us out of sex, but now I see the wisdom in her words. I should’ve listened.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know better than anyone that the need for sex can make us do things we wouldn’t necessarily do.”
She nods and leans into my chest again.
“You just need to tell him so you can figure the rest out. Hopefully, together,” I say.
“Okay,” she whispers.
Her eyes glaze over and I wonder what she’s thinking deep in her heart. Elle is a worldly woman. I don’t need to tell her that there are several choices she can make regarding the baby. It’s not my baby, nor my body, so I intend to support her with whatever she chooses.
She makes an effort to sit up and I help her until she’s upright with her legs hanging off the couch. “I think I need to go to bed,” she says.
“Yes, get some sleep. You can call Stephan tomorrow.”
When we get to her front door I turn to face her, placing both of my hands on her shoulders. “Will you let me know how the talk with him goes?”