Desertion

I hold her stare for a moment, willing myself to comfort her somehow, but it becomes apparent I can’t even bring myself to do it. “You don’t think I want to?” I sit forward, resting my elbows to my knees, holding my face in my palms. “Jesus, I really wish it were that easy. This darkness is something I carry with me, Kadence,” I finally admit, allowing myself a moment of pity.

“And you always will,” she cuts in. “But there has to be a way for you to live without hurting everyone around you.”

“You don’t understand.” I attempt to stand again, needing the space. The sudden movement has my head spi

“I understand a little, Jesse. You saw me at my worst. When I didn’t want to go on. Sure, maybe it was different, but I still understand the hopelessness of it.” Her voice is sweet, calming and I let her words wrap around me for a minute before looking at her.

“You spend your whole life in this darkness, Jesse, you’ll never know how much light there is around you.” Something in the sound of her voice pulls me into her comfort, showing me what I need. What I’m missing.

“You think I want to live with this kind of bitterness, with this pain?” My own words shock me so I allow myself a moment to understand what they mean.

“If you didn’t, why haven’t you tried to conquer it? No one is making you hold on to it, Jesse. You haven’t even tried to fight.”

“I spent my whole life fighting. I don’t know if I have any fight left.” My worst fear falls from my mouth, getting lost in my anger.

“So that’s it then. You lose?” Her tone shifts from understanding to disbelief. Her eyes blaze with determination.

“Yeah, I did lose, Kadence. I let it control me. It stopped me from fixing my relationship with my father. He fucking died before I pulled my head out of my ass. I push everyone away. I’m fucked up, more than you could even imagine.”

“Look at me, Jesse Carter. Yes, you have your issues. I’m not going to argue that you have some work to do, but you can’t continue to hold onto this blame. It’s only going to bring you down. Your father is gone and I’m sorry you didn’t get the peace you needed, but tearing apart your life is only going to let him win. You are not him. You are everything he could never be.” She doesn’t hold back and I realize it’s what I need. She’s right, and the more destruction I create, the more I hide from everything, the more I hurt the people I love.

Fuck how could I be so clueless.

“I don’t want to be him,” I agree, needing someone to understand that.

“You’re not, never were and never will be, Jesse. You remember that and get your shit together.” She takes my hand and squeezes. The contact soothes me. Blankets my insecurity and begins to pull me out of my doubt.

“I don’t even know where to start.” I laugh a bitter laugh, not knowing how far down this rabbit hole I am.

“Well, this is why I’m here to help you. You’re going to start going back to your support groups. Start talking again. Co

“Don’t argue with me, Jesse. We’re going to take baby steps. The club is awaiting your arrival home. Hell, I might even surprise you with my cooking.”

“Jesus, you’re on a mission.”

“I am if it’s going to help you, Jesse.” She stands from the coffee table and extends her hand. I think about it for a minute. I know she’s right. I need help to get me through this shit, but it doesn’t make me feel good knowing I’m go

“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed is he?” I take her hand and let her help me up.

“Jesse, I can’t even count that high. But it’s okay, because we love you. And you’re going to fix this.” She says so matter-of-factly, I want to believe her.

“And Bell?” I ask, wondering how I could possibly fix anything with her.

“Right now, I don’t know what your chances are. You messed up the most with her.” The frankness of her words is like a slap in the face.

“I fucking love her, Kadence, and still managed to hurt her the most.” I shake my head, wishing I could take it all back.

“Jesse, we always hurt the ones we love, but what hurts more, is being loved by those who we hurt. She still loves you. It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do with that love.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist. “But to make it simple for you, you should just let her love you,” she whispers, laying it out.

“You’re cute when you’re smart.” An undertone of teasing slips past my lips, my attempt to lighten the mood.

“Don’t lay it on me, Jesse Carter.” She laughs, steps back and smacks at my chest.

“Don’t fuckin’ flirt with my woman, fucker. Why are you still not in the shower?” Nix walks back in, breaking our moment.

“Yeah, yeah, asshole. I’m going.” I wave him off, kiss Kadence on the cheek, and then head toward the bathroom.

Before I leave I stop and turn back. “Thank you.” I wait for them to look up. “I know I fucked up, but thanks for not walking out on me.”

“We’re family, Jesse. As much as you’re a pain in my ass, we stick together. Don’t forget it. Now for the love of God, get in the fucking shower.” Nix throws a shirt at my head. Catching it, I turn, knowing he’s right. We’re family. Not by blood but by love. And sometimes those families are stronger.

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Co

“Not you too.” I roll my eyes at his choice of words, but don’t say anything else. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been back. Small jabs from my brothers. Pissed off glances from Jackson. And unspoken words shared between everyone around me. To say it’s been a long week would be an understatement.

“How you been, brother?” He turns, steps forward and extends his good arm out to me.

“Better than before.” I reach forward and take his hand in mine. I knew out of everyone Co

“How’s it going with you? New leg settling in okay?” I look down at his new prosthetic, and berate myself for not checking in enough.

“Yeah, much better fit. Hopefully, this was the last round of surgery.” He shrugs, still not letting it get him down. “How about you, how you coping?”

“Getting there, just one day at a time, you know?” Ever since I got back last week, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things. The club had a di

“You spoken to Bell yet?”

I look up at her name but shake my head. “Not yet. Working up to that one.” The truth is I’m not even sure what to do about Bell. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve spoken. I’ve wanted to call every day I’ve been back, but something is still holding me back.

“Good plan. A woman like Bell deserves more from you, Jesse.”

“What would you know about women, asshole,” I joke, but falter when I see his smile thin out.

“I know you had a good one. Know you lost her too. Also know she deserves more, Jesse. This guilt bullshit, it’s gotta end if you want a life with her.”

“You warning me off my girl, Co