Affliction

“What are you doing now?” I find myself asking after we pack up our equipment and walk out. I’m not sure what that whole session has done to me, but I’m feeling fresh, alive, and for the first time, present in the moment.

“Day off today, so nothing pla

“Same, but I have to do some pla

“Sounds good,” he agrees. “Give me ten minutes. I’ll meet you at the front?” he questions, walking the rest of the way to the male locker rooms.

“Okay,” I nod in agreement. I can shower and look half decent in that time. Pushing through the doors, I stop and call out to Sy, “Thanks for today. It helped,” I add, not sure if he understands how it helped, but just letting him know is enough.

“Anytime.” He gives me his signature head nod and leaves me standing like a goof. Gathering my wits, I get through my shower and meet him out the front in less than fifteen minutes.

“You ready?” he asks, looking up from a fitness magazine when I come to stand in front of him.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The walk to the juice bar is silent. The quietness is settling, even taking us to a comfortable place again. I don’t know what this is with Sy and me. I can’t pick the exact moment everything changed, but nonchalance now flows easily between us.

“Have you ordered here before?” I wonder when we walk into the bright green juice shop.

“No, first time.” He raises his brows playfully before reading the board above the counter. I’m going to have to get used to this new side of Sy.

After ordering my new favorite, Raspberry Reflex and Sy choosing a post workout smoothie, we sit out in the morning sun.

“We should work out like that again,” he mentions, taking a sip of his Bone Crusher. “What the fuck is in this one again?” he queries, his face scrunched up in distaste.

“It can’t be that bad?” I smile, picking it up and sipping it. The chocolate and peanut butter smoothie is disgusting. “It’s all right.” I shrug, hiding my distaste and handing it back to him. “We should do this again. I had a good time. Who knew punching you could be so much fun,” I joke and he looks taken back for a moment. “What?” I ask when he keeps looking at me.

“Nothing,” he shakes his head. “I’m free tomorrow. Tell me what time and I’ll meet you here.”

“Okay,” I agree. I’m not sure what I’m getting into with him, but I did have a good morning; a good morning punching him that is.

“Great,” he states, taking another sip of his awful smoothie. I can tell he doesn’t like it by the pained expression on his face, but I don’t say anything. I just sit quietly, savoring the moment. Who knew enjoying a juice with Sy would be so relaxing?

“Oh, and if we’re going to work out again, you’re going to need some different clothes,” he adds, taking us right back to where we began. I swear the need to punch him again burns strong, but I don’t reply like he wants me to. If he thinks this is revealing, wait until tomorrow.

***

“Holly, I love it,” Kadence says from the cream sofa in front of the full-length, mirrored wall. We’re shopping for bridesmaid dresses, and I stopped caring what she chose twelve dresses ago. Our quest to find the perfect maid-of-honor dress wasn’t pla

“It’s okay.” I don’t even try to fake my a

“You don’t like it?” she asks, looking sad again. It’s the same dance we’ve done after each dress I have tried on.

“I like the first one,” I tell her again for the eleventh time.

“You know, I think you’re right,” she says and I can feel my temper slowly rising. Of course I’m right. “Let's try that one on again.” She smiles up at me as she takes a sip of her coffee that the sales person fetched for her. I wasn’t allowed coffee since I’m the one trying the merchandise on.

I’m going to strangle someone soon.

“Sure,” I reply, pasting on my fake maid-of-honor smile, and march my ass back into the changing room to try on the first dress I tried on an hour ago.

“You know, I think the color is all wrong,” she calls through the curtain.

“The color is fine,” I say, stepping out of the dress, and hanging it back up. Handing it out to the shop assistant, I patiently wait for her to bring me back the first dress I tried on. Looking in the mirror, I take the time to look at myself. The harshness of the changing room lights are in full effect. Thinking back to Sy’s comment about my weight loss, I wonder how much my body has changed. The purple, four-inch scar left behind by the bullet, and the two surgeries to save my life has a long way to go before I can accept it. It’s not the ugliness of it that affects me. I know with time the scar will be faint and won’t mock me. No, now it’s just a harsh reminder of what I lost, what was horribly taken from me.

“You okay in there?” Kadence pulls me out of my thoughts and back into the ugliness of my reality.

“Yeah,” I wheeze out, not realizing that I was captive in a memory and had pushed myself into a small panic attack. At least it wasn’t a huge one.

“Holly, are you sure?” Kadence’s panicked voice asks again, but I can’t focus on her as the all-too-familiar feeling of panic claws up my back. The fear, the pain, all spiraling me out of control. Dropping to the floor, I lift my knees up and bring my head between my legs.

Just breathe through it, Holly. You can do this, I repeat over and over, trying to calm my panic.

“I’m coming in.” I hear her words, but they don’t register in my mind, falling short at the wall of anxiety currently building inside of me.

Memories and sounds coming at me only keep pushing me deeper into the ugliness of that night. The ugliness of what we experienced.

“Focus on my voice, Holly,” she says, kneeling down next to me. “You’re safe here,” she reassures me carefully. And while I know I’m not going to die, there is no controlling the feeling of fear and loss of control. We sit like this for a few more minutes; it could be longer. I don’t know. When I do eventually come back to the dressing room, I feel drained and ready to leave.

“Hey,” Kadence says, reaching out to touch my arm.

“Oh, my God,” I finally acknowledge her. “I’m sorry,” I whisper when she leans forward and embraces me.

“No, I am.” She squeezes me tighter. “You scared me,” she admits, pulling back and wiping her tears away.

“It just came on. I haven’t had one in the last few weeks,” I admit, wondering what the hell just happened.

“It’s okay,” she shushes me, not having any part of my apologies. I don’t know what I’m sorry for; the whole thing is embarrassing.

“Is everything okay in there?” the shop assistant queries through the curtain.

“We’re good,” Kadence calls back and I realize I’m sitting in my underwear on the floor of the changing room with my best friend. I let out a small giggle at how ridiculous we must look, followed by another and before I know it, I’m laughing. I don’t know if I’m laughing at the fact that it’s fu