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“Good. Just listen to my voice. Think about your toes.
They are all stretched and comfortable, like they’re sitting in a pool of sunlight. Let them relax in the pool. It’s so warm, so soft. It’s a perfect complement to your feet. Can you feel the warmth?” Taylor nodded.
“Good. Now think about your calves. That pool of light is moving up your legs, bringing with it the most delicious warmth and relaxation. You feel relaxed. You feel light as air. All your worries, all your problems, are being lifted from your body. Feel it get light.”
Maddee worked her way up Taylor’s body with her voice until she was at the top of her head, the pool of light shining all over her, keeping her warm and supple. She did feel more relaxed. That was an amazing exercise. She started to open her eyes, but Maddee told her not to.
“In your mind’s eye, I want you to look at your wrist. There’s a string attached to it. The string goes high up in the sky. Do you see it rising?”
Taylor nodded.
“There’s a blue balloon tied to the top of that string. See it floating in the air?”
Taylor nodded again.
“Good. Now let that balloon move toward the sky, and take your arm with it. You arm is feeling lighter and lighter.”
Her arm did feel light. It raised of its own accord, up into the sky.
“You’re a pro at this, Taylor. You can let your arm drop slowly back to your side now. Good. I want you to think back to your fear. Think about Sam. About the look on her face. What emotions are you feeling right now? Tell me aloud, don’t just think them.”
She shook her head. She couldn’t talk. Maddee knew that.
“Come on, Taylor. Just give it a try. You can speak. There’s nothing holding you back now. You’re safe with me. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“Sadness. Horror. Fury. Embarrassment.”
Had she said that aloud?
“Look at the blue balloon, Taylor. Your arm is so light. Good girl. Why are you embarrassed?”
“Because I’ve come to kill. Sam knows that, and she’s disappointed in me. I can’t disappoint her. She counts on me too much.”
It was so easy to talk to Maddee. Taylor didn’t feel bad about telling the truth. Not now, not when she was so comfortable and warm, sunlight splashing down on her.
“You came to kill? You were pla
“Yes. He deserved it. He hurt too many people. He hurt Fitz, and Sam.”
“He didn’t hurt you directly though, did he? You weren’t in any physical danger from him until the very end, correct?”
“That didn’t matter. I had to put him down.”
“Tell me, Taylor. Tell me what you did.”
“The birds were singing. They were calling me to him. And then they quit….”
Taylor remembered now. Sheer, unadulterated rage filled her. The Pretender was torturing her friends, and she had to end his reign of terror. She’d designed her own personal plan of revenge, one designed to take out the chess piece that had disrupted her life so completely for the previous year. She wasn’t proud of the fact that she’d set out to kill the Pretender. And she’d failed, anyway, in the end. Sam was still hurt. She’d never heal properly.
She’d always blame Taylor for the loss of the baby.
Taylor was crying. She felt the tears on her face.
She hadn’t told anyone what she was really doing at the house, Baldwin included. Though she was pretty sure he knew what she’d been up to. But there were plenty of other moments leading up to the shooting that she’d like to forget as well.
Oh, God. Had she just shared all that with Maddee James?
Her heartbeat began to race. She wanted to wipe her face, but her arm was still tied to that fucking blue balloon.
“Help,” she said.
“Okay, Taylor. Hold it together now. I want you to let the pool of sun go away. When we’re together, anytime you get frightened or upset, all you need to do is think about that pool of sunlight, and you’ll feel better immediately. It gives you control over your emotions. I’m going to count backward from three. When I get to one, you will open your eyes. Three. Two. One.”
Taylor opened her eyes. Maddee was looking at her with an unfathomable expression on her face, somewhere between contemplation and…was that happiness? It was fleeting; Maddee’s face closed and became cool and professional again.
Taylor sat up. She had been crying. Maddee silently handed her a tissue. Taylor swiped it under her eyes and grabbed the laptop.
What just happened?
“Try speaking aloud.”
“What…” Oh God, it was like swallowing razor blades. She shook her head.
Maddee reached across and took Taylor’s hand. She smiled widely.
“There’s nothing wrong with your voice. You spoke just fine for the past fifteen minutes.”
“I… No.”
“Yes.” Maddee nodded, still gri
Oh, my God. She had said those things.
What did you do to me?
“Hypnotherapy. It worked, too. You were an excellent candidate. As you can see, you could speak just fine when you were under.”
You hypnotized me?
“Yes. I’m surprised Dr. Willig didn’t try that before EMDR. Sometimes you’ll come out of it speaking just fine. Or, you’ll be stubborn and still insist that you can’t. But at least we know you’re not damaged.”
Hypnosis. Shit. She didn’t know whether to be happy that Maddee had proved she could speak normally, or furious that Maddee had tricked her. Never mind that, she couldn’t believe she’d been so open, either. She’d admitted the one thing she needed to keep from everyone. Not that it mattered; Maddee was bound by doctor-patient privilege. And Taylor hadn’t killed Copeland. Baldwin had taken care of that for her. But still, admitting her intention was exactly the opposite of what she’d intended. She could get herself in more than moral trouble if she weren’t careful.
She chalked the mental lapse up to jet lag, and terrible dreams. And she couldn’t help herself—Maddee seemed like she could be a friend.
She smiled wanly.
So, that was fun.
“But you’re feeling more relaxed, right? What we just did, it’s just your basic biofeedback. A really great technique. You look like you’re familiar with yoga. Are you?”
A bit. I’m not very good at the poses, but I rock the breathing.
Maddee laughed. “Good. It’s the same thing when you’re doing therapy. You set an intention, and allow your breath to regulate your thoughts. You did great. You were much more relaxed than most first timers. I’m going to make you a tape. I want you to listen to it before you go to bed every night. It’s the same kind of exercise we’ve just done, and it will help your mind let go. The more you relax, the easier it will be to talk. And I’ll put in some suggestions to allow you to sleep. Insomnia is treatable, and I’ve had great success with this method.”
All right. So now what?
“If you’re up to doing some more, we can try some EMDR. See if we can help your feelings about Sam. A friend’s disappointment is a huge burden to carry. Let’s fix it.”
They worked for another half an hour before Maddee turned the EMDR unit off and poured on a smile.
“How do you feel now?” she asked.
Taylor had to admit, she was exhausted. But she felt freer, lighter than when they started. Between thoughts of her happy place at the camp, and the warm pool of sunlight she’d immersed herself in twice now when things got too tough, they’d taken the worst of the memories down a notch.
Taylor was starting to understand why people went into therapy. It was incredibly liberating to get all the worry and fear off your chest, to give it to someone else to hold.
“Don’t forget to take your melatonin tonight—probably around seven or so to give it time to get into your system. If you get a headache, take your pills and try to relax. Do the sunlight trick, thinking about the pain and watching it dissipate. The headache should leave. Then listen to the tape. I’ll make sure it’s waiting on you tonight. You should sleep like a baby.”