Honesty

"I'm more than okay with it," I replied. Her posture relaxed, and a beautiful smile graced her soft lips; lips that I so desperately wanted to kiss. "There are some things that we need to talk about; things that have happened. I'm working through my steps, and if I'm going to fully recover, then I need to do it right," I said, pausing for a few long minutes. “Why don't we walk down to the beach? We can talk and enjoy the sunshine at the same time. God knows I've missed the sound of the ocean," I told her. The look on her face let me know that she had me figured out. She knew that I was stalling for time, avoiding the things that I needed to say.

Damn it! That was something the old me would have done. "Come on," I said as I took her hand in mine, and I immediately felt the familiar tingle when we touched. We walked through the house, hand in hand, silently until we reach the white sand just beyond the house. The private beach was one thing that sold us on the house. The blue water, white beach, and the sound of the waves were very relaxing after months on the road. Honesty lowered herself onto the sand and crossed her legs at the ankles while I stood, staring out at the blue water. The silence between us grew awkward until I finally found my voice. "Honesty, I'm going to be honest with you and just lay it all out there, and if you walk away afterward, I'll just have to live with it." I said. "I will say, that if you decide that we can't be friends, it will kill me," I told her, and watched as she took a deep breath, as if she were preparing herself for the worst. "When I was growing up, my dad used to push me around, he’d tell me that I wasn't worth the air I breathed or the space I took up. He blamed me for my mom being gone. He told me that she just couldn't live with what a failure that her son was." My gut twisted at the memory. "I know now that all those hateful words that came out of his mouth were just that: hateful words. My dad was a drunk and an addict," I paused remembering all the times I saw him with a needle in his arm, or lines of cocaine on the kitchen table. "I learned from the best.”

"You can't believe that!" She exclaimed as she jumped to her feet and stood in front of me with concern in her eyes; concern that I was sure would be replaced with disgust.

"I did believe that, but I don't now, not after talking about it openly. My therapist helped me to see that," I said. Dropping her hand, I took a few steps forward, just enough that the water splashed over the tops of my bare feet, as I prepared to tell her the ugly truth. "Honesty, Teagan and I have a past," I said. She frowned and took a step back. "It didn't mean anything then, and it doesn't mean anything now," I said, pleading for her to understand. “It’s just, when Teagan is around, she's a constant temptation.”

"Oh God!" She said, turning to walk away from me, but I grabbed her arm.

"No wait! I said that all wrong. Teagan is not the temptation, it's the drugs. You see, whenever she's around, we do drugs together. She's always carrying." I paused for a moment before continuing. She looked up at me beneath her thick lashes, as if she were waiting for the next shoe to drop. "The day that I played for you," I paused for a moment, "I stayed behind because I saw Sweet Misery's bus pull onto the lot. I had pla

I watched as she took all of this in. Her expression was blank, but the real truth lay behind those dark green eyes. I saw it appear, if only for a moment before she pushed it back down. "I wish I could tell you that it didn't happen again, but it did. After you left and went back home, all I could think about was the fact that you were gone. "I couldn't think straight, and I'd drank half a bottle of Jack in the dressing room before a show. Teagan showed up in the dressing room and offered me some coke. She knew I wouldn't turn it down. I played like a demon that concert. I had energy on top of energy; I was fucking overflowing with it. It masked all the bad thoughts about myself, the pain of you leaving, and left me with the feeling of being invincible. I was on top of the fucking world again, and once again, when the concert was over, Teagan and I got together to do drugs. One thing led to another, and it happened again." I let out a nervous breath that felt like I had been holding for the last thirty minutes. I stood still while the tide pulled the sand from beneath my feet, wishing it would just swallow me up and pull me deep into the depths. That would definitely be better than standing here, waiting for her to speak.

Her spine straightened and she lifted her piercing green eyes to mine. Her face still expressionless, but I could read the hurt behind those eyes. "You have nothing to be sorry for. We were just two friends who had no-strings-attached sex. You told me what to expect before I ever slept with you, so I knew what I was doing. You said you didn't do relationships, so it is not as if we were exclusive and you cheated. Don't give it another thought," she said with a forced smile that didn't reach her eyes.

My heart sank, hearing her words. I would rather her scream and shout, maybe even slap me, at least then I would know that I meant something to her, but she basically just shrugged it off. The only thing I could do was move forward and hope that she forgave me enough to be my friend. I could work toward wi

"I'm going to head back now," she hooked her thumb in the direction of the condo. "I still have a lot of studying to do," she said, her voice full of sadness. She cocked her head and looked at me, as if she could see deep into my dark soul "You going be okay?" She asked me.

I gave a nod with a look of disbelief on my face; disbelief that she would ask me if I was okay, when she should be kicking sand in my face. I turned to watch her walk up the stone pathway and disappear into the house, then turned back to face the water. I lowered myself down onto the sand to think about what just happened; the hurt in her eyes when I told her about sleeping with Teagan. She may have brushed it off as if it was nothing, but I could see it in her eyes. She still cared about me, whether she wanted me to know it or not, and I would do my damndest to win her back.