Every Wrong Reason

I thought he had been amazing seconds before, but this was something else entirely. I sighed in pleasure, my eyes fluttering closed, unable to stay open against the intensity of this moment.

He turned something desperate and greedy into something so achingly sweet I felt branded by it. He was leaving his mark, his name tattooed on my soul.

I gasped for breath as he worked us closer. He drew out each moment, making them all memorable, promising nothing else would feel this good or be this complete.

Nobody else would ever make me feel like this.

Nothing else could reach this absolute height of ecstasy.

When he finally pushed me over the edge, my entire body trembled from the force of it. He followed after me, chasing the same blissful blindness I still quivered with.

He collapsed on top of me, his skin heated and slick with sweat. We were stretched out on our bed diagonally in a sleepy tumble of limbs. His hand settled on my bare abdomen and his nose trailed up the line of my jaw, teeth nipping playfully, lips kissing, tongue tasting.

“God, we’re good at that,” I teased.

He replied with a drowsy, “Mmm…”

I snuggled closer to him. He shifted back and I missed the touch of his body immediately. The emptiness between us was too big, too cold. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me to him before I could panic.

We adjusted on the bed until his chest nestled against my back and his arms hugged my middle, holding me to him with a tightness that made me feel safe and satisfied. My eyelids drifted close and the exhaustion from the day, from A

I knew there were things to talk about. I knew doubt would find me in the morning, quickly followed by regret and probably fresh heartbreak. But I physically couldn’t make my mind worry about that right now. I couldn’t make myself care.

Sensing I was slipping, he leaned over me and rubbed his roughened scruff against my check. I felt myself smile, but I couldn’t make my eyes open.

“Kate,” he coaxed in a tone that dripped with contentment and amusement. “Katie,” he whispered. “We need to talk.”

“Mmm,” I agreed. “In the morning.” I wouldn’t ruin this. Not tonight. This had been too perfect… beyond perfect. This had redefined the entire meaning of perfect for me and I refused to give that up tonight.

“Katie,” he murmured. “This changes things.”

I yawned. I was past the ability to speak. Sleep took hold and pulled me under, sending me into the peaceful slumber of relaxed dreams and the wonderful feeling of the most beautiful man’s body entwined with mine.

I woke up once during the night. I blinked awake on the wrong side of the bed with Nick’s arms still holding me to him and his legs, hot and heavy, slotted between mine. His head had pulled back from mine, presumably so he could breathe without my hair suffocating him in his sleep, but I could still feel the steady beat of his heart on my back and his hips tucked against mine, fitting exactly right.

I had a sharp, concentrated moment of panic as the reality of our actions set in. Ice cold lucid thought jerked me awake and kept me there. I felt hysterical laughter bubble in my chest, but I swallowed it down.

How did this keep happening to us?

And why had I ever thought it was a good idea for him to sleep over?

There might actually be something wrong with me.

I lay as still as possible, terrified of waking him. I tried to talk myself through my meltdown, tried to rationalize and reason my way out of it. But I couldn’t.

What we did was going to permanently screw things up between us.

We had mediation in three days.

Oh, my god, he was going to bring up the possibility of being pregnant again.

I thought I would be sick.

I focused on the night sky. I hadn’t closed my blinds tonight because Nick and I hadn’t really been thinking about those things. The stars spread from one side of my vantage to the other, glittering like diamonds on a background of onyx and indigo. The crescent moon hung like a pendant in the middle. Its milky glow stretched and spun in the tranquil sky, turning wispy clouds to gold. I concentrated on those things.

I steadied out my breathing, letting the calming rhythm of Nick’s heart soothe me back to sleep. His body was deliciously warm. He’d covered us with the comforter after I fell asleep and our mingled body heat had become something extreme, but it felt amazing.

He felt amazing.

Choosing to put off my panic till morning, I closed my eyes once again and drifted off.

By the time I woke the second time, he was awake behind me. I could feel his body twitching, his general awakeness intruding on my slumber.

I blinked at the same sky that had sung me to sleep the night before, but the moon and stars were gone, replaced by a soft violet and dusky gray. The sun hadn’t risen yet. It was still very early. But Nick was awake and I knew, before I’d even opened my eyes, that our night was over… that it was time to face our actions.

I let myself stir and stretch lazily against him. I couldn’t quite give this up yet. Just a few more minutes, I promised myself.

“Happy birthday, Kate,” he said with his sleep-roughened voice. His fingers surprised me by lightly ru

How did I sleep? It was probably better if I didn’t answer that question. It would only confuse both of us. Instead, I dropped my hand over my mouth and mumbled, “I need to brush my teeth.”

“Me too,” I could hear the grin in his voice. “But we’ve been married for almost eight years, Katie. Can’t it wait another minute?”

Still hiding my mouth, I narrowed my eyes and demanded, “Why?”

“We should talk.”

“Why?”

His low laugh vibrated in his chest. “Last night…”

“Was a mis-”

The tension that rocketed through his body was so strong that I fell silent before he could cut me off. “Don’t say it.”

“Nick-”

“Goddamn, Kate” he muttered. “Are you kidding me?”

I scrambled to sitting, yanking the covers with me. We were both starkly naked and I flushed from head to toe, realizing I was about to launch into an argument with him while I wasn’t even wearing underwear.

There was something wrong with my mouth that it just couldn’t shut up and be quiet.

But I couldn’t listen to what he had to say either. I couldn’t go through that just because my boobs were everywhere.

“We’re in the middle of a divorce!” I pointed out. “We have mediation in three days, Nick! What were we thinking?”

“Maybe we thought the divorce was a stupid idea. Maybe we thought we couldn’t keep our hands off each other!”

I sucked in a gasping breath and swayed with dizziness. I couldn’t… I couldn’t grasp his words. I couldn’t make them concrete thoughts and ideas in my head. They danced in the air outside of my reach, taunting me... laughing at me.

“Is that what you think?” I asked breathlessly. For a second I thought I might faint. I shook my head, desperate to find my senses. “Do you think the divorce is a stupid idea?”

His shoulders fell with defeat. “It was your idea, I… I just…”

My emotions took a sickening twist and my head spun again. “You’re blaming me?” Hot tears pushed against my lashes. “This is my fault?”

“I’m not blaming you,” he stated firmly. “I’m just trying to think. God, Kate, there are times when I think you hate me. When I think you would do anything to get rid of me. And then… then there’s last night. And all of the other times like it. I have never been more alive than when I’m with you.”

I sat up straighter. “Nick, you’re still blaming me. I’m the reason we’re getting a divorce. I’m the reason we don’t work! I’m the reason your life is miserable or not miserable or I don’t know what! Was last night all my fault too?”