Every Wrong Reason

“Can I help you, Jay?”

“I know you never said anything to Kellar.”

His accusation felt strange like he wanted to call me out on it, but there was something more. I lifted my eyebrow, daring him to say whatever it was that he wanted to say.

“Why?” he finally asked. “Why didn’t you say anything? He threatened you. He threatened me!”

“Are you mad I didn’t turn him in because you felt threatened?”

He rolled his eyes at me and rubbed his hand over his shaved head. “Don’t be stupid.” He cut me a sideways glance that I interpreted as an apology for being rude. “But isn’t it your job to say something?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “I should have said something. He could have threatened another student. He could have brought another weapon to school. He could have truly hurt someone. I should have said something.”

“So why didn’t you?” His deep brown eyes searched mine intently, flickering back and forth, waiting for the truth.

So I gave it to him. “If I had said something, he would have gotten expelled.”

Jay let out a bark of mocking laughter. “So what! He ended up in jail, Carter. That’s way worse than getting expelled.”

I swallowed around the golf ball lodged in my throat. “Yeah, and if he would have gotten expelled? Would that have changed anything?”

Jay snorted, “No, he just would have ended up there sooner.”

“Exactly. I wanted him to avoid jail or prison or the lifestyle that he was so bent on having. I wanted him to have a chance at something better. I want the same thing for you and everyone else that comes into this classroom. I gave Andre a second chance and he squandered it. Nobody is more upset about that than me.”

“You don’t know the kind of neighborhood Gonzalez is from. They don’t give college scholarships to kids like him. They get their prison cells nice and ready because they know it’s only a matter of time.”

I expected Jay to be gloating over Andre’s fate, but I only saw an interesting mixture of regret and fear in his expression. Wondering if this was my chance to finally break through to him, I said, “They give scholarships to kids of every kind. It doesn’t matter what neighborhood, social class or family you come from. If you try hard enough. If you work hard enough, you can find a school that will want to take you.”

“So you’re saying Andre actually had a chance at college?”

“Andre was brilliant, Jay. So are you. Every student that comes into this school building and shows up day after day has a chance. But we can’t make you take it. You have to decide that you want it… that you want to do something bigger than prison or jail or whatever.”

He rocked back on his heels while he thought about it.

“College isn’t easy, Jay. And maybe it’s too late for a scholarship. But there’s financial aid. There are options for you. Have you talked to Ms. Chase?” He shook his head. “Talk to her. Please. She can walk you through this better than I can.”

“Maybe.”

“What are you afraid of?”

His gaze snapped back to mine and it was lethal. “I’m not afraid of anything. You saw me with a fu- with a knife to my throat. Did I look scared then?”

I breathed through the rapid beating of my heart. “Then why won’t you try at this?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to try.”

I stood up and placed both hands on my desk, my attempt at looking intimidating. “It is. You have to do something with your life, Jay, or you’re going to end up just like Andre.”

He stepped back, ready to run. “You don’t know me.”

“I know that life is hard work. I know that growing up is the hardest thing you’ll ever do and if you don’t try at something, if you don’t make yourself into something, then you won’t become anything. What Andre did? That’s the easy way out. Getting yourself out of your neighborhood and through college? That’s going to be a lot of goddamn work. But it will be worth it. I swear to you, it will be worth it. The best things in life come with a price. Work hard for those things. Work so hard that you don’t know how to be lazy.”

Jay’s lips twitched and I held my breath, hoping to God I got through to him. “You swear more than any other teacher I know.”

“That’s because I’m the coolest teacher you know.”

The look on his face told me he didn’t believe me. “Is this my second chance, Ms. C?”

I smiled at him. “I knew you were smart.”

He looked around us dramatically. “Shh, you’ll ruin my street cred.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled out a pass pad. “Do you need one of these? Are you late for class?”

“Yeah, but I just got Mr. Bunch and he doesn’t give a shit.” He started walking backward, out of my classroom. “Unlike you.”

“That sounds like an insult.”

“It might be. I haven’t decided yet.”

I laughed, despite myself. “Go to class, Jay.”

He gave me a sarcastic salute and disappeared out the doorway.

I sat back down in my chair, completely perplexed.

Kara appeared five minutes later with her lunch in hand and two Diet Cokes. She handed one over to me. “What’s with you?” she asked.

“Did you know Andre Gonzalez got arrested last night?”

Her eyes flashed with disappointment. “Yeah. It sounds serious. They caught him in possession, selling to minors.”

“Oh, my god.”

“He’s eighteen,” she added.

“I heard that.”

We were silent for a minute. “Jay Allen might come find you.”

“Which one is that?” I was just about to explain what he looked like when she said, “Oh, I know that kid. He was just in my office last week for harassing a teacher.”

“Which teacher?”

“Mr. Bunch.”

I nearly smiled, but caught myself. “He’s going to come talk to you again I think.”

“Mr. Bunch?”

I threw a chip at her. “No, Jay. I’m convincing him to go to college.”

Her eyebrows drew down and her shoulders sagged. “Do you think he’s serious?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

“Me too.” She sat down on the edge of my desk and opened her soda with a long, pink fingernail. “How’s the divorce?”

My stomach sank. I had just been contemplating texting him about Jay and Andre. Old habits die hard apparently. They die really hard.

“Uh, we’re still at a standstill. Neither one of us will budge.”

“When’s your next mediation?”

“Not until March. I guess I never realized how long this stuff took.” I stared down at my desk, cluttered with papers to grade, papers to hand back, pencils, whiteboard markers and other odds and ends. “Do you think I’m making a mistake?” I asked the mess.

Kara was quiet for a long time and when she finally spoke her voice was gentle and reserved. “Do you think you’re making a mistake?”

I looked up at her and tried to decide. “It’s normal to question something like this, right? At least I would think so. Except that I can’t stop questioning it. I can’t stop going over my marriage and the night we decided to get a divorce. I can’t stop thinking that there was more we could have done.” I took a deep breath and tried to figure out what I was really trying to say. “I just got finished telling a student that the best things in life are hard work and that he shouldn’t stop trying just because they force him to try harder. He should try harder and harder and harder until he gets what he wants. Isn’t the same true for me? For Nick and me?”

Kara frowned at me. “This is why I took so long to tell you about my divorce. I needed to leave Marcus. He was an awful person. But you… your circumstances are completely different. Neither one of you are bad people, you just… I don’t know, you fell out of love. That happens too. There are all kinds of reasons people get divorced. No reason is right or wrong, just different.”

But mine felt wrong. All of my reasons felt wrong.

I kept a ru