Every Wrong Reason

I couldn’t imagine not going to work every day or making a paycheck.

Was that the difference? Was that why Fiona could get pregnant just by ovulating and I couldn’t manage to conceive once, no matter how many books I read or weird oils I rubbed on my stomach or how many times I tilted my hips in the right position and tracked my cycles like an obsessive maniac?

Halloween had been the first time Nick and I had spontaneous sex in over two years. We were slaves to the cycle… to the ovulation.

No wonder Halloween had been so hot.

“I’m sorry I got mad at you,” I said quietly.

Fi’s sly smile told me she had already forgiven me. “I’m sorry I was so bossy. I should know when to keep my mouth shut by now.”

I wrinkled my nose at her. “Babe, if you haven’t learned how to keep quiet by now, I doubt it’s ever going to happen.”

Her laughter stirred Jonah, who was sleeping against her chest. She stared down at him, rocking him gently to coax him back to sleep. “This will happen for you, Kate. I know it will.”

My heart dropped to my stomach. “I’m not sure it will.” She opened her mouth to protest, but I held up my hand to stop her. “I’m thirty, Fi. And I’m in the middle of a divorce. Who knows when or if I’ll ever meet another guy. And let me just be clear that I am not ready to jump into another relationship. My biological clock is ticking. No, not ticking. It’s on a countdown timer. One that’s attached to a bomb and hidden in the underground parking garage of a mall. The chances of diffusing that thing are slim to none.”

“So what you’re telling me is you need John McClane.”

“Or Jack Bauer.”

“Tom Cruise?” When I gave her a fu

I laughed, “Yes, that’s what I need. I need Mission Impossible Tom Cruise without the weird religion and couch jumping.”

“What does it say about you that you knew who John McClane was but didn’t get the Tom Cruise reference?”

“Nick loved the Die Hard movies.”

“So does Austin.”

“It used to be our Christmas movie. Not It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story. No, we watched Die Hard.”

She gri

“Then he’d quote the movie for weeks. ‘Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho.’” I picked at the seam of my couch. “I’ve actually missed it this year. I can’t make myself watch any of the other stupid movies. I just want Bruce Willis with hair.”

In a soft, caring voice, she said, “Maybe you just want Nick.”

Now the tears came. I held them back, but I felt them hot and broken against my eyes. “It’s too late for us, Fi. I promise it is. I know you’re all about rainbows and unicorns, but there is no fixing us. We are beyond broken.”

I could tell she wanted to say more, but this time she didn’t. She reached out and squeezed my hand and discussion moved to gossiping about everyone we went to school with.

It amazed me how she was able to keep up with everyone. She was like an internet detective.

It was actually kind of scary.

An hour later, Gigi woke up and our quiet afternoon turned to mayhem. Gigi had not woken up happy and Jack was bored with Legos now that his sister was around to bother him. Fiona bundled them all up again and herded them toward the door. We said goodbye and promised to do this again soon.

It wouldn’t happen for months, but the promise was enough to keep us optimistic.

“I’ll come to you next time,” I told her. “That way you don’t have to do this again.” I waved at the coats, hats, mittens, boots and other little odds and ends that had taken us twenty minutes, even working together.

 “Don’t you dare,” she huffed. “You would be horrified by the mess. Besides, it’s good for us to get out of the house. I swear to god, sometimes it feels like I’m a prisoner there.”

“Stop,” I laughed. “You’re so dramatic.”

“It must be why we’re such good friends. We understand each other.”

I gasped, surprised by her dig. “What does that mean?”

She just winked at me. She picked up the baby in his car seat and wobbled. “Geez, this thing is heavy.”

“The thing being your baby?”

Her eyes went big and defensive, “Yes! He’s huge!”

“Love you, Fi.”

“Love you too, K.” She kissed my cheek and gave me a quick squeeze. “I’m not giving up on Nick,” she whispered. “Or you.”

Then she turned around and yelled at her kids to get in the car before they froze to death. I didn’t have a chance to ask her what she meant by that or why she couldn’t just let us go. She disappeared out the door before I could even formulate a sentence.

I watched her go with a swirling sense of dizziness. My hands landed on my abdomen and I couldn’t help but feel the fresh, sharp disappointment that nothing had come of my one-night stand with Nick.

I hadn’t even thought a child was a possibility until he said something in our mediation. I had stopped letting myself entertain the idea a long time ago.

But I also wondered about my motive for having a baby. What Fiona and Austin had was incredible. They loved each other like nobody I had ever known. They loved having babies too. Their children were born out of love and mutual respect for each other. They were born into a home filled with laughter and affection. They were raised by parents who adored each other.

When Nick and I first started talking about having a baby, it seemed more a way to fix our splintering marriage than anything else. I had thought a child would force him to grow up… to get a real job. And I was ninety percent sure he’d assumed that if I had a child, I would get off his case.

But the longer we tried without results, the more I realized I wanted one. I had this hole inside of me… this baby-sized emptiness. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to see the result that would be an even mixture of Nick and me.

Would he have Nick’s eyes?

Would she have my good skin?

I wanted to grow our small household and become something more than just a couple. I wanted to become a family.

I didn’t know if Nick had felt the same way at the end. Our efforts became tedious and about as unromantic as possible by the end of it. Sex had been nothing more than a chore… a tiresome activity that we were both disappointed with before we ever began.

And it was really a tragedy. Nick and I had always had amazing sex before we tried to have kids. It was what fueled the first couple years of our marriage. I had been as wrapped up in lust with my husband as I was love.

But that had dwindled, then died completely when it became about charting and ovulating and doing everything just right.

I hadn’t realized it until now. Which seemed silly, but maybe I was too caught up in the moment to see the bigger picture.

God, I hated that we’d lost that heat… that spark that made us want to touch each other all the time.

But maybe that wasn’t just the infertility?

Maybe all married couples eventually fell out of lust. My parents had. Not that I wanted to think about that, but I couldn’t remember the last time they’d touched each other.

Kara and her first husband had. And really fast.

Fiona and Austin hadn’t… but they had to be some kind of anomaly. They weren’t normal. Sex became boring for most couples. It became a chore whether they had kids, were trying for kids or never had any.

It was just impossible to stay sexually attracted to one person for the rest of your life.

I glanced back at the wall in the entryway.

No, that was wrong. That was a lie. I had never been more attracted to Nick than that night. My skin flushed and heated as I thought about how his body pressed against mine or how his lips felt as he tasted my skin and urged me to give him everything I had. Everything I was.

But it didn’t matter anyway because it had been a mistake.