Fade to Red

Actually, it felt like a lot more than that.

It felt like breath.

Fuel.

Home.

It took every scrap of strength Beckham possessed to leave her in his hotel room. He could still feel her lips on him. Just a taste and he was ready to move heaven and earth to get another. He couldn’t convince her to come out with him, which was disappointing, but he thought he had talked her into staying there, so he was already looking forward to that.

Beckham and Ian had a blast with Jimmy. He knew Jimmy and Ian would hit it off. The three of them were completely in sync and did a segment where they sang everything like Elton John. Everything clicked into place like it was supposed to—improvisation came so easily when he was comfortable. His band joined The Roots, and that was a kick. If every night could be exactly like this one, he wouldn’t want to leave the business.

He shut the show down and was saying good-night to Ian and his band, when he checked his messages. There was a missed call from the lab. He called the technician’s number immediately and was happy when it didn’t go to voicemail.

“Do you have the results? This is Beckham.” He loosened his tie, so he could breathe better.

“I do. The results are negative. You are not the father.”

Beckham leaned against the car, feeling like he was just sucker-punched. He motioned for Howie to unlock the door. As soon as he did, Beckham sat down and leaned his head between his legs.

“You’re sure?” he asked.

“We’re 99.8% sure,” was the reply.

“I guess that’s pretty sure,” he said softly. “Thank you. I appreciate you letting me know.”

He ended the call and put his hands on his head. He didn’t know what to think. Part of him wanted to redo the test at least a dozen times, even though that was nonsense. The other part raged for not believing Roxie in the first place. And another, very small part of him, hated her for being right.

He wanted so badly for Leo to be his. Had he imagined everything—the similarities, the bond, the rightness of it all—just because he so desperately wanted it to be? Was he that fucking lonely?

“Drive around, Howie. I can’t go back yet,” he said.

He was so ashamed of how he’d treated her. He couldn’t believe she’d had anything to do with him after he’d been so hateful. He imagined her earlier that night, pressed up against him, as hungry for him as he was for her. At least it had seemed that way. But he didn’t know what to believe anymore.

They drove for hours. He wanted to go in every single bar they passed, but instead gripped the edge of the seat so hard it hurt.

“You ’bout ready to call it a night, Beck?” Howie asked.

Beckham hadn’t spoken in at least a half hour.

“I guess so,” he said.

He went in the back entrance of the hotel and said goodnight to Howie at his door. He walked in quietly, hoping he didn’t wake up Leo and Roxie. Everything was neat and tidy. All the mess from the ice cream had been cleared out. He peeked in the bedroom, and they weren’t there.

He cursed, frustrated that she’d left, but really it was probably for the best. There was no telling what mood he’d be in tomorrow. He needed some time before seeing her again.

The guilt that he’d stayed out so long weighed him down. How long had she waited for him? Shit. It was 3:30. He wouldn’t blame her for being mad at him. He deserved it.

He sat on the edge of the bed and dragged his hands through his hair.

This was just all so fucked up.

He didn’t leave his room or talk to anyone until it was time to start the show the next night. The sound check had been taken care of without him. Nate and Anthony both called a few times, but he didn’t talk to either one of them. He’d stared at the mini bar until 6 that morning and finally fell asleep. The only person he’d called was his sponsor, Troi. They agreed to talk a few times every day, at least until Beckham felt stronger.

He felt the hurt emanating out of Roxie as she danced that night. It was his fault and he couldn’t stop it. She’d let herself be vulnerable with him the night before and he’d crushed it. But his own pain was just under the surface too. He was riding on the edge of self-destruction and didn’t want her caught in the crossfire.

The next day was a repeat of the day before. He had an early morning talk show to do and then his show that night. He stayed in his room until it was time to perform and came back the minute it was over. He’d asked the front desk to make sure the mini bar was cleared out, so he wouldn’t have that staring him in the face when he got in that night.

He stayed up late, packing for his flight to L.A. the next morning. He should have just stayed up, because when the alarm went off at six, he’d only gotten two hours of sleep. His head pulsed with pain as he rode to the airport. They’d chartered a private flight for his crew and Roxie was the first person he saw when he got on the plane. She was sitting next to Sierra. He knew she saw him, but then she hadn’t looked at him again.

Sierra called out, “Hey, you’re the last one on … was starting to wonder if you were go

He nodded. “Hey, Rox,” he said softly. “Where’s Leo?”

“Chloe and Leo flew out already. My parents are meeting them and they’re going home with them for a day or two.” She looked like she was going to cry and looked out the window.

“I wish I could have told him goodbye,” he said softly. And then under his breath, “I got the results back.”

“I know,” she said just as quietly.

He waited for her to say something else, but she didn’t look at him again.

“Roxie, I’m sorry.”

She nodded but kept looking out the window and didn’t say a word.

Dejected, he sat down a couple rows ahead of them and buckled his seat belt. He didn’t think he’d be able to, but he fell asleep not long into the flight and slept most of the way. Before he’d opened his eyes all the way, he stretched an arm out and bumped into someone.

“Oh, excuse me,” he said, looking to the side. “Hey…”

Coco sat facing him, holding a pillow.

“How are ya?” he asked groggily.

“Tired. S-sorry. It was noisy in the back and I … saw you sleeping up here. Thought maybe I could sneak in a nap too,” Coco said. “I’ll go back now,” she said shyly.

“Don’t worry about it. I need to get after this.” He ran a hand through his scruff and grabbed his bag. He smiled at Coco. “Go ahead and stretch out.”

She nodded, put her pillow on his side, and laid down. He got up to shave and brush his teeth before they landed. The flight attendant followed him into the bathroom. It was barely larger than most airplane bathrooms.

“Uh, what are you doing?” he asked.

“Just seeing if you need any assistance,” she said, ru

“I’m good, thanks,” he said.

“I’ve heard,” she whispered seductively in his ear.

He took a step away and held up his razor. “Excuse me while I shave.”

“Just let me know if you need me. Now or anytime,” she said.

“I’ll be sure to do that,” he replied, shaking his head no to say otherwise. “Go ahead and shut the door behind you.”

“Do you mind if I just stay here and watch?” she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders and started shaving. “Knock yourself out.”

It was like he had a flashing sign pointed at him, saying, ‘Eat the apple.’

When he came out, the girl was practically on his heels. Ian flashed him a look, and then Beckham realized how suspicious things seemed. He looked at Roxie, and thankfully, she was asleep, leaning peacefully against her window. Coco wasn’t asleep, but watching him from her pillow. When she saw him looking at her, she sat up and moved her pillow, making room for him to take his seat.